DM has early onset Alzheimer’s, impossible DF! (Long post)

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Hi all, my DM is 60 and has just been diagnosed with Alzheimer’s. She also had an elective hip replacement in July and tells me she has been religiously following her physio regime, but I’m not convinced as her mobility is still very poor: she is still relying on a stick much of the time.

My DF has many narcissistic traits and is older than my DM: he is 73. He is quite controlling of her. He is also very resistant to any suggestions made to improve their situation and refuses to follow medical advice. There are numerous examples of this, but one is that he had a coronary stent put in after a heart attack 3 years ago, and refused to take any prescribed medication or attend cardiology follow-up. Instead, he has spent a lot of money on alternative remedies and supplements that he has found online doing his own ‘research’. There was also a recent crisis where he went into urinary retention twice in a fortnight and needed a catheter because he refuses to take medication for his terrible prostate problems that get him up to the loo up to a dozen times a night. He takes a homeopathic remedy for this and will not consider medication or a surgical procedure. All of these incidents require a huge amount of attention paid to him, multiple phone calls offering advice, district nurses attending on him, many trips and calls to hospitals and GPs, etc. The stress of trying to help from a distance is quite heavy when I can’t just drop everything and leave my children to attend to my parents.

I am 34, the oldest of 7 children and I live 200 miles away from my parents. I have 4 young children of my own and am pregnant with my fifth. My youngest sibling still lives at home and is in high school. The rest of my siblings also live far from our parents but I have probably been providing the most emotional and practical support for them.

I am in the process of arranging to become financial and welfare PoA for my mother (joint and several with one of my sisters).

My DM’s parents both died last year and their estate will provide around £180K for my DM. This is tied up in property at the moment but should become available later this year. My main concern is that this money needs to be ringfenced for her benefit and possible care in the future. I have deep concerns that my DF will fritter away this money on things that he wants as he has a pattern of buying expensive things, and has never had an ability to plan for his future or save/manage money. I worry that his own cognition isn’t great but he would point blank refuse to be assessed and I am quite sure he has capacity to refuse medical treatment or advice at this point in time.

My parents live in a large house which is owned by an organisation my father worked for that allows them to stay for peppercorn rent, on condition that they pay for council tax, utilities and so on. It is an informal arrangement that has gone on for many years. Unfortunately, the house is in a terrible state of repair and nobody will take responsibility for its upkeep. My DF refuses to heat it properly or turn on the hot water as it is too expensive (despite his winter fuel allowance). It is mouldy and damp, and crammed full of their junk as well as furniture that has been donated/dumped by this organisation. My DM struggles to manage the stairs. There is no shower and she can’t get in and out of the bath. Her hygiene has suffered as a result and she struggles to wash her hair and herself properly using the sink. My DF will not countenance carers, and when my sister tried to set up a cleaner once a fortnight she almost started a nuclear war as “this is a private house and we will not have people just coming in”.

Matters came to a head a few weeks ago, where we had a family meeting and all of my siblings told my parents that we were really concerned about their well-being and that they had to decide where to move. They should choose to move to one of two cities to be closer to family members so we could help keep an eye on them. My DM is very keen to be near family and would love a smaller house. My DF had to be left for a couple of weeks to come round to the idea but has accepted that it would improve a lot of things for them both.

The inheritance coming to my DM will be enough to buy a house (they have no other savings and only a tiny pension), and I should be able to deal with the purchase once the money is available and I have been granted PoA. Has anyone else had to protect money coming to one parent from another? My current thought is that if I set up an account in my DM’s name for her inheritance, it will be protected for purchasing a house for them and my DF will not be able to decide to spend it on other things.

We live in a renovation project of a house with a large mortgage and many drains on our own finances, and I have concerns that some social/medical crisis will occur that mean I will be obliged to take my parents and youngest sibling in and look after them too. I’m the only one of the family that would remotely be able to deal with this. If this happens, I think they would probably refuse to budge and would be stuck in my home. This is the last thing I want when I will shortly have a newborn to care for as well as my DH and 4 other children.

I apologise for such a long post. This isn’t the full story by any means, but I am in the unusual situation of acting almost as a parent to my own parents, while my own children are still very young (and one unborn!), with parents who are 5 hours’ drive away, and very resistant to making changes. I am doing my utmost to help and make life easier for them but the wheels of bureaucracy grind slowly! One of my sisters is reasonably supportive, but she doesn’t own her house, is saving to buy a home and has a baby of her own. She gets very angry with my DF and there is a lot of friction between them so there are tensions there. My other siblings are not able or willing to support our parents or me, so I feel fairly isolated.

I know there’s nobody that has all the answers to this complicated situation, but it would be so good to hear from anyone who has dealt with similar. I really appreciate anyone who has waded through this and might have any helpful comments!

OP, I'm so sorry to read this. I thought I'd had a difficult time with mother, father and aunt, but your situation knocks it for six.

There's been a lot of good advice above. I'm mainly replying in relation to your question about attempting to ring-fence your DM's inheritance to buy a house.

If your parents were divorcing (obviously they're not) then I don't think it would be possible, after a long marriage, to ring-fence anything. However, that's not the situation, and so your proposal (i.e. have the proceeds of sale paid into an account to which your DF does not have access) sounds like a very good idea to me. I can't see why it wouldn't work. If your DM still has capacity when the money is available then she'd need to set up the account (obviously you could help). If she doesn't have capacity by that stage then the attorneys on a finance POA would be able to do it. (See below for why I think it's best that your father is not one of the attorneys.)

In relation to the possibility of your parents moving into your house, or into an annexe, I have to say I think that would not be the right thing at all. You clearly want to do everything you reasonably can to support your parents, and they are very lucky to have you, but reasonably is the important word here. It's not reasonable to expect you to jeopardise your own family life, with your DP and DC, to look after your parents when there are other options available. For your sake and that of your family I hope you won't go down that road.

Because I'm typing I can't review your OP, but I think you said you were in the process of obtaining one of the two types of POA. You need both - get both the finance and health and welfare ones while your mum still has the capacity to grant them. Of course it would also be a good idea to get them re: your DF, but it sounds as though he might not be willing to grant one. Bearing in mind the way he behaves, though, it sounds as though it would definitely be best for your DF not to be an attorney in either of the POAs. Otherwise it sounds as though you'll be embroiled in constant arguments and won't be able to make sensible decisions. I don't know whether that's possible, but I'm sure it would be best.

I wish the very best for you in this indescribably difficult situation

Thank you Carolina, that’s really helpful. I fully appreciate that I crammed a lot of information into my posts but I was trying to convey some of the interlocking complications. I will definitely be seeking financial/legal advice but I am hopeful I can protect this money. It’s fairly complicated as the estate is mostly tied up in my grandparents’ property which is overseas and two of my aunts will have to decide whether to sell it or buy my mum out of her share of the property value and give her the cash equivalent. Either way there will be a delay of months before it is available and I can hopefully put plans in place to protect it for everyone’s sake.

I have organised the forms for both welfare and financial PoA (joint and several with my sister), and mum has an appointment with her GP on Thursday to be certified as having capacity to make this decision. Surprisingly enough my DF has agreed to this, and he would let me handle the hassle of a house purchase as he has never been good at admin.

The annexe idea was something my DH thought could potentially add value to our house before we realised that mum was inheriting enough money to be able to buy, as their options were so limited due to their not having savings. I think he saw what a burden they would likely be when they stayed recently, so that hasn’t been brought up since!

Yes i was wondering that, if your DH maybe didn't know them as well as you- mine has also made similar comments and changed after they visited!

It's good you are sharing that P o A situation with a sibling so it isn't all on you.

The other thing I thought of is with small children and another on the way, you could do with some support yourself have you got supportive in laws perhaps or even a cousin on the DH's side perhaps who might be able to give you a bit of support after the baby arrives.

I found my in laws to be quite supportive, and sometimes we need to think of our own needs and put our children first. It's Ok to ask for support.