Severely depressed retired parent- how to help?

[Jasperjonesc]

My mum (67- so not old but ANY means) has become severely depressed since retiring (May 2018). She's starved herself to the point of ICU inpatient care and attempted suicide twice.

She's seeing a counsellor (min weekly) and occasionally gets home visits from the "crisis team". She's on anti depressants. She was going to support groups but past few months stopped going.

She rarely sees friends, never calls us (her children), is not interested in grandkids.
We still are baffled by her fast decline into this state (we all now suspect abuse but no idea if it's true as she's SO secretive/unable to communicate).

How does anyone cope with this guilt of dealing with a severely mentally unwell parent?
Us (adult kids!) have our own lives and cannot physically be with mum 24/7. She has the professional help. She just seems to have legit given up!
She doesn't care about her grandkids in the slightest (YES i know depression but where do you separate the depression from being a selfish person?)

We did not have a great relationship growing up. She was cold and controlling so maybe now I feel
obligated.

Anyone else have had to deal with a suicidal parent and how do you deal with it, whilst also not giving up
your own life?!

Am so sorry to hear this, is it likely it's still a form of control? Was her employment 'high status'?

Sorry to read your post OP.
Sadly many people fall into depression when they retire. A lot of times it is because so much of our identity and feelings of worth are tied to our work.
It’s understandable that if her depression manifests itself such that she also has an eating disorder that landed her in the ICU that she would not care about kids, grandkids because she cannot even care about her own self to keep her self alive.
My mum struggled with a different manifestation of depression and ended up taking her life.
All I can say is try and find out what would make your mum feel like a worthwhile person again. Maybe just having a pet that loves her but also depends on her will be enough. You can try getting her permission to talk to her consultant psychiatrist about things that might help your mum specifically.
And it probably would not be giving up your life or sitting with her 24/7. It’s probably going to revolve around your mum finding a new purpose in life now her working days are done and her child rearing days are done.

Thank you so much for taking the time to reply!
I feel like I have spoken about this and analysed so much in the last year, trying to figure out WHY that I've got totally blind to the obvious. Like mum not caring about anyone /anything because of the all encumbering depression.
Hmm. I spoke to mums psychologist (well many, but most recently) who did say she's struggling with her new role and we've been actively trying to get her to become a more engaged grandparent and she refuses to go to community groups. I hadn't thought of getting a pet- that's something I'll look into with my dad.
Anyway, thanks! It's actually comforting to know others have gone through this.

My mum is in her 70's and has suffered with depression for the last 20 years ..
firstly she will need to jiggle meds and doses to get the right one and they often start them on a low dose so try going back to the doctors with her and say it isn't working , if she is anxious ask for propranolol as well as that helps my mum a lot to feel calmer .
Depression is very tiresome and selfish for me and she is very difficult and needy , I do get annoyed with her but I have tried to get her to move to a retirement village so she has company and activities but she is resistant so I just make sure she is safe and ok ..
My mum does love seeing my kids though and is interested but at her worst she would just sit in the chair so I would work on getting the meds upped or changed .

Your post makes me sad OP, your poor mum. You sound as if you really don't like her very much (which I can understand if you didn't have a good relationship in the past, but perhaps she has always struggled with her mental health?)
Do you really want to help her feel a useful and valued person again as to me it sounds as though you just find her a bit of a burden.
I'm the same age and believe me 67 DOES feel old some days.

I've read this quickly as having a coffee before we get ready to go out for the day,

I just wanted to say, you won't be able to figure out why your mum is like this or what's causing it, and it'll hurt your head to try to find unknowable answers.

You'll be able to identify factors contributing but why and how, even the professionals will struggle & go on information they have available at the time. It's an extreme reaction to retiring and you won't be able to fix it. They'll try medication, counselling support and all sorts.

It's important you have sources of support to talk to, as this will be affecting all of you including the gnawing worry.

I went through this with my own Mum who I had a really difficult relationship with. She had had mental health issues all her life but as she became older they became worse, with us it was compounded by my daughter becoming older and needing her less - mum would regularly say her life had been “destroyed” and would refuse to engage with any kind of help. To be honest all you can do is disengage a bit. If she won’t help herself there’s little you can do, and if you don’t have a good relationship with her you’re not obligated to help, you just feel you have a duty but her happiness is not your responsibility.

One thing I will say though is that 67 IS old to many people. We’re told through the media that people now live active long and healthy lives till 85/95 but for lots of people late 60s is when being elderly really kicks in - my own Mum died at 70 and I really noticed her decline from 67ish onwards. Perhaps she feels you’re not being understanding of her age...? Clutching at straws...!

Thank you everyone, it's really helpful to her others perspectives.

@Oblio
I actually can't answer this in a simple yes or no, our relationship is not really a "normal" mother/ daughter relationship. In my childhood I had no voice against my mum and she was very emotionally abusive, so we had many years of distance during my early twenties. Ironically now I am one of three people she leans on for all support, having cut everyone else out and it does bring up feelings of frustration. The dynamic is very take, take, take from my mum, mental health issues or not.
I know there are two sides to every story, and my mum had/ has MH struggles.
I guess we just want to see her get better but feel at a loss as to what to do (having tried basically everything).

People who were very domineering when they were younger, well that was kind of like their Modus operandi but as they get older they can no longer dominate in the same way, people refuse to defer to them and times have changed; we no longer feel we our parents unquestioning/unconditional loyalty!
I suppose if your modus operandi just doesn't fly anymore and you can't come up with a new one then your personality structure collapses ?

In my childhood I had no voice against my mum and she was very emotionally abusive

Sorry to hear that. It might help to look at the site Out of the FOG online, it also has a forum about such parents / elderly parents.

What i am noticing here is it's all about how to help / her feelings etc, it isn't your responsibility to make her happy, or to change, you need to think of your own feelings OP. I had to go NC with such a mother and it is hard as can make you feel guilty as they are getting older etc. It's not easy

Your post makes me sad OP, your poor mum. You sound as if you really don't like her very much (which I can understand if you didn't have a good relationship in the past, but perhaps she has always struggled with her mental health?)
Do you really want to help her feel a useful and valued person again as to me it sounds as though you just find her a bit of a burden.

Hmm, guilt inducing much? Maybe others have not experienced life with an abusive parent...or wouldn't say such things.

Or maybe others have experienced such things but have come to realise that the parent has had their own difficulties and been damaged themselves and therefore hasn't been able to treat others as they should have done.

Really interesting perspectives- I guess this has highlighted to me that this is quite common (I literally don't know anyone in real life going through though but that's just my little bubble!)
Do feel that if you're not careful you can start to take on all the problems of your parent when they're depressed, like just writing off childhood abuse as something outside of mums control / all down to MH issues.

I don't know what the answer is really but good to know in a weird way am
Not the only one!

It is possible to accept they may have been through some trauma or experienced bad parenting themselves which maybe brought on abuse towards their child, however we do have the choice as to how we deal with that- e.g. stay in the relationship and continue to be abused (if they won't change, or leave it (go NC).

like just writing off childhood abuse as something outside of mums control / all down to MH issues.

No, there isn't an excuse, people with MH issues need to seek external support / therapy not take it out on their DC. My mum used to say 'I just did like my mum' about this as well, but i don't do it with my DC. We all have a choice.

Is there a way she could go back into a work setting as a volunteer? Or perhaps her health is too poor at the moment? My heart goes out to you, it's a really challenging situation.

She needs to choose to do that though, you can't make her. OP says she won't engage with it. It's hard mine is the same but you can't make someone. She has the MH team support too, she needs to engage with that and maybe in time she will try some therapeutic activities or get therapy perhaps

A pet is a good idea - does she likes dog? If she got a small dog she would need to walk it each day which could be therapeutic? Could she join a Pilates class or yoga - with you or one of her friends? My mum is 72 and still very active which helps to keep her happy. We run together on a Sunday and although I’m much faster, we do the same route and I wait for her at the end! Voluntary job is also a good idea.

You mention your Dad. Where is he in all of this?

This sounds incredibly difficult. Maintaining a relationship with a parent you have a complicated past with is very painful.

0blio I think you’ve taken this quite personally, you must recognise the OP is struggling?

Take care with just getting a dog for her, she may blame you and hold you responsible if it doesn't work out! Maybe Borrow my doggy could be a way she could test the waters.

You can take a horse to water but you can't make it drink.

OP as well as here you might like this site / forum, specific to those with such parents there is a section on dealing with elderly parents too and lots of tips / ideas...www.outofthefog.net/forum/

Thanks all. Take on board everyone's comments. Have found starting this thread very helpful!

@orangeblossom78
Thanks for this link. Just had a quick look and VERY relevant. Feel will be a great resource for advice!

Yes I like the Toolbox area, some good ideas for things that work and don't! I find the forum very useful also, and the moderators are really good too always taking time to write thoughtful posts etc. Hope it goes Ok, not easy

It is possible to accept they may have been through some trauma or experienced bad parenting themselves which maybe brought on abuse towards their child, however we do have the choice as to how we deal with that Absolutely right. But my experience is that it's easier to live with the memory if there is a reason (not an excuse) for it, rather than it being deliberate evilness directed at you. Of course it's easier to see the reason if you've already stepped back.

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