Husband lost to caring for parents

[belay]

Anyone else had this situation? My husband is an only child. We've visited his parents every single weekend for the last 26 years since we got married. His mum is now 90 and was admitted to hospital in November with a hip fracture and then to a temporary care home. He's visited her every day. Our son has also gone with him about 4 evenings a week and every day over the Christmas holidays. He's at his mum's unoccupied house today to "sort some things out", he's done this every Saturday.
He won't go on a 2 night minibreak with us to Scotland because of his mum. The last time we went away together was 7 years ago for 4 nights in a caravan. Am I selfish to feel that it's all about his mum ? Our son is 14 this summer and I feel he has put his parents before his son.
I'm feeling resentful and quite ashamed of myself for that

Why is he so bonded to his mother it's as if she's an ancient relic that he venerates 😕
Every single weekend for 26 years!!! fuck that shit🤦🏼‍♀️
I'm an only child I see my parents as little as possible

Yes my FIL died rather suddenly leaving behind MIL.
My DH has become surrogate husband for MIL he spent every evening with her either that or she was at our home. She would stay over taking one of my children's beds meaning they had to sleep with their sibling (even in school nights).
It destroyed us; particularly as the support he felt able to give her was never something I had been shown
It's difficult because it doesn't feel great to begrudge a lonely grieving in my case person on their own but, the time dedicated to his mum came directly off the time we had as a family.
We did go away on holiday one year (in the uk) to have his mother call him 13 times a day and each time was at least 20-30 min conversation.
It just destroys everything because they have a significant relationship with someone else and it leaves nothing less for you.
Sorry I can't offer a more optimistic outlook but i do feel your pain.

I think he's gone a bit overboard. I'm also an only - we'd visit my parents about every 6 weeks, staying for the weekend, and continued that pattern after my mother died. Then when my father reached his 80s and moved nearer us, I visited first once a week then later, when he became more infirm, 2-3 times a week. We went on holidays, but for the last couple of years only in the UK, where we could get back if needed without feeling too resentful or out-of-pocket. But now he's in a nursing home, we have the freedom to go on holidays again, and I'd have thought your DH should feel able to do the same.

On the plus side, I prefer to show my DS a role of caring for elder relatives rather than abandoning them. But I wouldn't want to demonstrate to them that you have to sacrifice your own life to support them.

I'm an only child I see my parents as little as possible I think it's really sad that your relationship has broken down to that extent.

I think it's understandable to feel resentful (after all, many of us feel resentful about the parents we care for willingly - one of the joys of their moving into care is to begin to get back a relationship that isn't tainted by feelings of wishing you weren't at the receiving end of all the problems), but it doesn't do you any good. Accept that DH is behaving the way he is, and just set out to give DS all the experiences you would want him to have. DS will be fine, he won't realise he's missing out, and he must have a good relationship with his father to be accompanying him on visits. And no need to feel guilty - you don't have the history of the relationship with her as a parent, so it's natural to resent her neediness, even if it wasn't at a level to affect your marriage. Prognosis after a hip fracture at 90 isn't great, so you're probably nearing the end.

I'm an only and it's hard. My DM has been in hospital with sepsis last week and sat in A+E with her I just felt this overwhelming love for her that overtook everthing else.

That said - every weekend for 26 years! Even after a week staying with DM in hospital I also wanted to be with my DH who I love dearly. Where are his feelings for you in all of this?

She is in a care home. It may well not be temporary. I don't think it's unreasonable for you to ask about how he works out family life or thinks about the needs of his son - most kids can only tolerate short visits to infirm relatives.

Given that your situation has lasted the whole of your marriage, it may take relationship counselling for you.

I'm an only child and thats weird as hell. He cant take 2 days away? cut the bloody apron strings for goodness sake, this is very unhealthy.

Its good he's close to his mum and cares for her but not being able to take TWO DAYS off is bizarre in the extreme.

I think you need to have a very serious chat with him

You can get this intensity of visiting even if not an only child. One of the adult children does all the visiting because the others can't be bothered so the one who visits seems to make up for all the other visits and is there all the time possibly encouraging the others to stay away. And on the rare occasion dsil turns up is it is as if the Queen has visited (from both dmil and dh).

Hs mum is old, possibly dying and your DH has no siblings to take pressure off. Instead of supporting him you’re just making things worse. There is plenty of time later to do things with you and his son - his priority should be his mum for now

Disagree with Grumpy that 'There is plenty of time to do things later with his son - his priority should be his mum for now' - it sounds like his priority has been his mum for 26 years. If he isn't willing to spend holiday time with his son as a child because he is prioritising his parents he will turn around to discover his son grown up and no longer interested.
I'm not suggesting he should turn his back on his mum but a bit more balance and emphasis on his marriage and child wouldn't go amiss.

@GrumpyHoonMain I totally agree!

What is he supposed to do? Ignore his parents? If he’s struggling so much why can’t you help him instead of whining about it?

You won't get him to change now - the time to make a stand was 26 years ago! Could you book the holiday in Scotland just for you and your son? Your mother-in-law won't last much longer - but what does your husband think will happen when she's gone? Will he just slot into a family life that he's never been part of?
I'm also thinking that four evenings a week is a bit much for your son - doesn't he have homework?

I cant believe this has been going on for the last 26 years! This should have been nipped in the bud 25.5yrs ago.
I think it may be a bit late to expects any change. I am dumbfounded that you have never really had a proper holiday, your poor poor son.

@GrumpyHoonMain What unbelievable nonsense, did you read the OP properly? . Visits every Every single weekend since they’ve been married., The poor 14yr old DS visits 4 evenings a week and everyday during the hols OP’s DH has been visiting. Plenty of time? He’s been prioritising his mum for 26yrs, his son will be an 18yr old adult in 4yrs time, his whole childhood gone, possibly leaving home. .W here is the time you speak of? He can’t take a two night break with his wife and the last four day holiday was 7yrs ago? . OP has been supporting him through all this how much more do you want her to do? 26yrs is a lifetime in a marriage and OP should not be made to feel ashamed by expressing her frustration. The marriage has been completely sacrificed. Of course he shouldn’t abandon his dmum but there’s got to be a better way than this. That’s what OP is asking for.

You sound oblivious and dismissive of the suffering this family has been through. Selfish and entitled.

It seems like the balance is off, but unfortunately both your DH and his mother are accustomed to this set up so it will be hard to break.

If she's in a care home she's safe, warm and fed. While it's nice to have visitors, it's really not necessary every single day. My dad is in a care home and he would usually get four visits a week; one from me, one from my sister and two from my mother. Some people only get one family visit at the weekend. But there are plenty of activities and the staff look after everyone really well.

Unfortunately mum is now ill in hospital too. My sister and I make sure at least one of us goes in to visit most days (so she has someone there 5-6 days a week).

It's not at all unreasonable to ask him to keep at least one day a week free for his family. His mother will be fine. But you might have to be careful how you approach it. Is his mother guilting him to visit every day?

I do think 4 visits a week or your son is over the top, once or twice a week is plenty.

The elderly parent must live close if your DH is visiting every weekend and now every day

It's just impossible, if you don't live locally

I agree book holidays or weekends away for yourself & your son

I’m going to buck the Terence and say I understand him

He might be using his mum as an excuse

But if he wants to be there for her as much as possible, I can respect that. But why do you visit every weekend? You can do your own thing surely?

I’m not bucking a Terence

Best autocorrect ever 😂😂😂😂

Oh my goodness, your DH is doing a lot, even when DMIL is in a care home , entertained and safe. She has carers and activities around her, to talk to.

The only thing you can do in this situation is have a gentle chat about loving your MIL, being scared for her, that she's safe and that this level is having such an impact on precious family time at a period when your DS needs you and his family if you, him and DS need to have a full life too.

Teen years are hard , DS is in GCSE years and will want to chill, see his friends, do fun stuff with his parents, study, as well as see his Gran. I'd talk to him about the balance being off.

What's the picture with your parents? Are they alive?

One of the reasons I dont see more of my mum is I'm bloody surrounded by elderly relatives. My dad died just recently after weeks in hospital but my mum needs a bit more support these days and my mother in law is fading in a nursing home and my FIL is grieving already. Plus my godmother in hospital, aunt just died...

I think you have a right to be resentful but it's probably a bit late to break the pattern for him. Talk to your ds though, arrange an evening out with some friends for him and tell him it's ok to stop going have more breaks.