Please help my mil is destroying me

[housetips]

My mil is a very difficult woman both demanding and intimidating and gets very angry if she doesn't get her own way. We have realised that she has many narcissistic tendencies. A couple of years ago my fil, who was a lovely man, died after a long traumatic illness. My dh did an enormous amount of care as she didn't want to pay for carers despite being able to afford it. Despite many emotional scenarios we never saw her shed a tear even though she was married for over 50 years. Almost immediately she started throwing herself at every man to the point where tradesmen would not come round the house. She is so desperate to find a man to pander to her needs. We have had various instances of unscrupulous characters 50 years her junior, she is only interested in young men (she is 82). She declares her love for them after only an initial meeting. Tomorrow she plans to meet a 30 year old, out of work man who lives with his parents in a deprived area, who she met at the supermarket a few days ago, who plans to bring her flowers. The theme seems to be that she tells these men that she owns her own house and will look after them. She calls them her 'boyfriend' and convinces herself that they have genuine feelings for her. We hold a poa for her as she had a stroke 10 years ago. These constant situations are so stressful that it is having a really negative effect on our health. We want to walk away but can't my dh is her only child and she can't cope by herself, which she tells us on a daily basis. Please can anyone give advice on what to do, particularly regarding tomorrow with regards this new unscrupulous man, or what rights we have as poa in intervening.

She sounds vulnerable and potentially unwell. I'd take her the GP to see if they have any thoughts on her behaviour.
And maybe talk to Age UK for advice on how to deal with elder abuse so you are prepared next time one of these men visit.
It sounds very hard for you and your DH.

What do you want to happen?

As for the man, if I were your DH I'd meet him and point out there is no magic money tree because you have POA and will protect her assets. Maybe let her have her way with him first.

You don't have to abandon her to protect yourselves. You can just let her live her life how she wants and maybe have a laugh about it. The constant situations only stress you out because you are trying to control her behaviour. Give up on that and a weight will lift from your shoulders.

If she wants to do silly things, let her. Don't get involved except to block large financial transfers.

If she is mean to you, walk out. You can go back tomorrow with the shopping or whatever and leave again if she's a cowbag. She has the money for carers so if she gets in a state because DH storms off regularly then she can hire carers.

I agree with TorkTorkBam you’re enabling her behaviour by reacting to her. She’s enjoying the drama.

Ask your DH to decide exactly what practical help he can give her. If you choose to engage a Carer then give her that option and no alternative. You’re allowed to put boundaries in place to protect your wellbeing (and sanity!)

Be very very boring, look up the ‘grey rock’ technique. She might get bored with baiting you.

Sorry to hear what you are going through. Caring for elderly relatives can be soul destroying.

I think the key question is does your MIL have capacity? If so, she is entitled to take up with whoever she wants however odd/distasteful her behaviour may seem to you. Older people have a right to make poor decisions as do younger people. And that would include inviting a man fifty years her junior to live with her in her home.

How did the stroke impact on her mental and physical abilities? Has she seen her GP for an assessment? Is the P o A for health and welfare or for finances or for both? Has it been registered with the office of the Public Guardian?

Can she actually get to the meeting with this man on her own? If so, that suggests she is able to make arrangements and stick to them which would indicate that she does still have mental capacity.

If you believe she is at risk of being exploited you should contact adult social services. They are pretty good on safeguarding issues. You might also get advice from Age Concern.

How is her memory? Dementia can present with behavioural changes rather than memory loss. Sometimes cognitive loss due to vascular changes can change someone’s personality in very subtle ways.
If you feel that it’s just her- and she still has capacity , then unfortunately she can make as many poor choices as she wants.
You can have financial POA - which can be used when a person still has capacity but only with the persons consent. You can also have welfare Poa - but this cannot be used until someone lacks capacity. Do you know which one you have ( this applies in Scotland- May be a bit different in England)

We have poa for both health and welfare and financial, registered with OPG. I have read threads where people have changed their poa to someone else, seems to easy for elderly people are duped by unscrupulous people.

The stroke impacted her mentally. She can't read or write. Much of her speech and understanding is confused. She is very strong willed and does exactly what she wants.

My Mums best friend had a stroke in her 50s, and suddenly became obsessed with sex and wanting a partner. She sent thousands of £s to men on dating sites, and only stopped when her bank account was empty. As she was deemed to have enough capacity to understand money, she was allowed to get on with it. Her family and most of her friends got so frustrated that in the end, they all had to walk away from it. She's absolutely vile if she doesn't get her own way.

I'd say this is behaviour from the stroke, and if she can't access money which being honest is going to be the main lure for anyone dodgy, then there is little you can honestly do other than try to get her GP on board for a full assessment and if she's safe to be living alone. But you have to protect your own MH too

You need some advice about the POA - you say it is registered but are you using it?

As someone above suggested - start with asking the advice of Age UK about the next steps in actually using the POA.

Regarding having mental capacity - it must be remembered that this is decision specific. No-one should have a blanket label of "having capacity" or "not having capacity". Even severely mentally impaired people can still be capable of deciding, for example, what they like to eat and what they don't like. But they cannot handle money. Your MIL may have the capacity to decide what to eat for breakfast, but not the capacity to decide to re-mortgage her house. It is up to the person requiring the decision to decide whether she has capacity. So, for example, if she approached a mortgage company wanting to re-mortgage her house, the company would have to decide if she was capable of making that decision. If she needed medical treatment, the doctor or surgeon would have to be satisfied that she understood the implications of agreeing to or refusing the treatment.

Your MIL appears to be making bizarre decisions regarding meeting strange men much younger than she is - this is potentially risky and does she really understand the risks?

You need some advice - if Age UK cannot help, then you need to speak to her GP about her behaviour, or a solicitor with experience in this field.

I think you have to walk away, it sounds as if nothing you do will make any difference anyway?