Do I stop or keep going?

[HC4U]

Hi.
Dad in full time nursing care. Mum living on her own. History of her lack of caring, "all about her" etc etc. But since my Dad has moved out, I cannot help but feel guilty she is on her own. However she does seem to have a good network of friends. She never showed real love, compassion etc and you would think as I have gotton older it would be water of a ducks back. But the past few months I have realised I am the one who always rings, visits, makes the effort to contact. If I stop for a few days there is never a contact made to me. Yet I will hear about her contacting cousins, being great with neighbours etc. But its with her own kids she seems to have an issue with. Despite us always being there for her, even if we didn't always agree with her choices over our Dad. If she isn't at home I leave a message on the phone to say hi, catch up and she never rings back, but I will get a text to say hope all well and thats it. I often wonder if it wasn't all well, what would she do. I feel like a kid not a mature (nice word for getting old) adult who thinks their Mum should make some sort of effort in maintaining a relationship. Even this week alone I made four phone calls to elderly relatives and my Mum was the only one that doesn't call back. She doesn't seem to want a relationship or as my brothers note she just presumes you will always be there and no value or respect for me. I know she is lonely and feels guilty about my Dad, but also she has a great opportunity to spend time with her kids, grandkids and she just won't. I am beginning to think she is depressed or suffering herself from early dementia, but then I hear of her sending gifts to people, helping them out etc and I wonder why then she makes no effort with her own family. Is it a case that as a daughter you ache for a mothers love no matter what your age? Oh well! Thanks for listening

I really feel for you. My Mother's been a bit like this...I know she loves me but she only started telling me that once she got dementia.

It's incredibly hard to accept. Did she give you any physical affection as a child? Mine didn't. I think she had a pretty awful childhood. Did your Mum?

You do ache for a real relationship. But you have to accept it won't, and can't, happen. It's easier then.

I do whatever I need to, to be seen as 'enough'.
So I ring and leave messages and thank my lucky stars if she doesn't answer.
I stay at intervals and work hard while there to sort out any issues she needs help with (tech, it, switching provider etc).
She has an open invitation to stay with us.

This mollifies her, so I'm not the subject of her rages.

I'm sorry for her, she is sad and frail and wishes life were different. But it is what she has made it, she can't do 'real' relationships. She can fake it, until people get too close. But she doesn't know it's fake, so she's sad she doesn't get any further. But only sorry for herself.

SNAP SNAP SNAP Pickemepopcorn!

So hard to accept sometimes! Thank you both!

Just to warn you, we lost dad 2 years ago. He was a wonderful man, apart from his enabling of her.

His illness was very difficult, she did not treat him well, she was afraid for herself, angry at the restrictions on her (she went on an outing, leaving him alone for the day, because he had fallen so wasn't well enough to go out- he was far too ill to be left). All the concern was for herself.

And now he's gone it's still about her. She doesn't seem to grieve the loss of him, but the loss of what he did for her.

So be prepared for a rollercoaster of emotions as you deal with that. I'm glad he's in a home, he'll be safer there.

Honestly its refreshing although sad so sad to know that someone else experienced the same thing. thank you! Condolences too re. your lovely Dad.