Lost and floundering (sorry long and rambling)

[Lifeisdinky]

Dad (90) diagnosed mixed dementia @3- 4years and whilst he was more and more confused we were able to go out in car and get to Hospital appts as needed.Roll forward to summer 2018 , long admission (chest infection left him unable to walk/ move) and after that had carers twice a day to wash and dress him. At that point he was still able to mobile with zimmer and able with some help from us to get to toilet and we still managed to have a drive out every week or so, so not well but we could manage and still had conversations about stuff and could laugh and joke.and watched tv together when I got In from work for a few hours.
In Nov one morning I sent carer away to come back in an hour or so as they were early and we had slept later then usual ( carers timetables had changed to a 9am call rather than 10-10.30 which we had worked to previously), he got restless waiting for someone to arrive was wandering around had a fall (for which I am feel so so guilty), we got him up but later evening carer called ambulance as he was complaining of pain. In ED 17 hours medically cleared after x-ray and cts after x-ray but as he couldn't or perhaps wouldn't stand and walk was admitted.
Admitted for over a month, refused fod, drink and wouldn't mobile, Was in for 4 and a half weeks, and didn't eat really at all during that time, we were constantly being asked to get him to eat which we couldn't do despite pleading with him. He was finally discharged last Friday with 2 carers 4 times a day , with Sara steady to try to transfer bed to chair next to bed.

Had him home for 36 hours before I had to call ambulance as bad chest infection, whilst in ED (in fluids, antibiotics and oxygen) he was quite bright, drinking coffee and if not chatty aware of what was going on. Discharged home again Christmas eve , and since then had nothing to eat at all and very little to drink (refusing but don't think he could swallow anyway (have thickener for drinks), and seems to have given up.
Add to that my Mum is blind ,I work full-time and whilst previously she could cope in the day time , with me getting up and doing nights and getting dad up in the mornings and up to bed at night , she clearly can't cope now and is already 3 days in exhausted.

Not sure what I am asking, if anything, just think others on the board will understand the feelings of guilt and utter despondency I have. Not asking to be told will be ok, cause it will be what it will be, but the whole time I am thinking if I hadn't sent carers away to come back as we had slept in, dad wouldn't have been wandering around and wouldn't have fallen.
He seems so lost lying in a bed in the dining rm, so, sad and well like a ghost breathing and not much else I am just so sad for him suffering and I fear giving up.

Oh that sounds really tough, but please don't feel guilty about sending the carers away, his fall wasn't your fault. You are doing a wonderful job looking after him.

I can understand you feeling guilty but you shouldn't. You have done far more than I am able or willing to do for my Dad. Never let yourself thing about "what ifs?". If you hadn't sent carers away, he might have been grumpy and half asleep and tried to brush them away and fallen, he might have taken against carers, he might not have fallen that day but because he wasn't in hospital he might have fallen at any time at home in the next month. I'm thinking "what if I hadn't facilitated my father moving near us - would he have declined mentally if I'd left him in the house he'd lived in for 50 years?" "What if I'd pushed him harder to have carers - would he have stayed longer in his own home?" You can't live life on "what-ifs", you did what you thought right at the time, on the information you had available at the time, and you can never know what horrible thing might have befallen if you'd made a different decision. All you can do is your best in the situation you find yourself in.

Yes, your Dad may have given up. My mother said to me at Christmas "what have I to live for", and died at Easter. In retrospect, I wish we had not spent so much time encouraging her to eat, and just concentrated on making her feel happy and loved.

Honestly, something would have happened, if not that day then another day, which would have caused your dad to deteriorate. Or maybe nothing would have happened but he would still have deteriorated anyway - my mother has deteriorated at several points for no apparent reason. It's the nature of the disease, and there is nothing you can do to stop that. So please don't blame yourself.

If you and your mum can no longer cope - which would be entirely understandable - please ask for more help from social services.

If you hadn't sent the carers away maybe it would have happened after they left. As others have said, see what other help you can get. You can't help if you are on your knees