Guilt ridden, elderly grandparent

[Washingnerd]

Hi all,
Please bare with me it's my first thread but I'm desperate for advice.

My grandmother moved in with me, DH and children 5 years ago she was given a terminal diagnosis and her life expectancy at the time was very short, she brought me up as a child and is like a mother to me so I wanted to care for her and do everything I could. Fast forward 5 years and she is still here we've had a great few years with her and she is generally independent, the last few months her memory has deteriorated aswell as her mobility but she has managed to get by. Last week she fell twice, the second time I could not lift her so I had to call an ambulance, she was so bad on her legs that they have kept her in, this has made her memory issues worse and she has fallen again in the hospital. Luckily no injuries from any falls.

No ideas why this is happening, nil medically wrong. The hospital is keen for me to take her home, she lives upstairs in my house and occupies 2 rooms which is like a mini flat. The problem is is that she can barely walk, using a Zimmer frame now and needing 1-2 people for assistance, she is mildly confused periodically (unsure why shes in hospital, doesnt know where she lives), and now occasionally incontinent. They want to get an ambulance to bring her home and up the stairs because there is no way she will be able to climb them herself.

To top all of this off she is giving me a real hard time I'm not sure if it's the confusion or what but blaming me for her not being able to come home yet. I have explained time and time again my concerns but I'm left feeling extremely guilty.

I'm really down about it all part of me thinks I didnt sign up for this (we did want more children but have no room so I have sacrificed deeply), how on earth am I going to manage her at home myself and DH work FT and have 2 kids, I feel trapped and guilt ridden into accepting her back which I feel is my duty, shes begging me and making me promise not to put her in a home, we cannot afford that or any personal carer anyway. I'm sorry for my kids because I dont know how long this will go on for, will we ever be able to go on holiday, probably not because we will have to care for her she will never be able to be left on her own at night time even if we could manage in the day.

The hospital have agreed to some step down rehab which she will hopefully move to shortly this is only short term then she is to come home.

Any advise from anyone who has been in a similar situation, we are very close and I love her dearly

She needs to go to a care home so you can love her without resenting her
The authorities will check it she has the finances for this or they will pay
Also you should get her into the home so you can have the baby you want

Don't ever sacrifice that

Love, don't let guilt stop you seeing the facts:

1. if you ruined your life, DH's life and the kids' lives, you can't fix her. She's still going to decline.
2. A lot of people really like being in a care home.
3. Even though they beg you not to send them beforehand.
4. She's got dementia and that makes her unreasonable. That won't be easy to live with.
5. For the next ten years.
6. Your DC deserve a bit of their childhood in peace.

Tell SS you're not having her back for safeguarding reasons. Tell them again. Write it down. They will decide what is best for your DGM.

I know that it's a hard and horrible position that your currently in. You have minded your grandmother for a number of years but she now requires more help than you can give her. She is in hospital and they are keen for her to move back with you when you know that this is not practical.
The reality is that she dementia and this will make her unreasonable. She wants to come home but the reality is she has a history of falls so she can't live upstairs. Along with this with dementia she needs to have far more care than you can offer her.
You work long hours, your husband works away and you have children.
At this stage you need to tell the hospital that she can't move home as per superskimin 2 said.
I watched a friend of mine look after their mother with dementia. She could wake up at 5 in the morning wanting to go to work - she last worked 40 years before this. She then would say this is not my house despite having lived their for over 40 years. Then she would get outside the house and not find her way back. My friend told all the neighbors about her and if they saw her out they would bring her into their home and ring my friend to say X is with me.
Then at 9.00 at night she would want to go y and get annoyed when she could not go their.
Eventually she needed to be put into a nursing home because of the level of care she needed. My friend was both physically and mentally exhausted at this stage but they could no longer care for their mother.

You are probably going to be put under EXTRA pressure to keep her because you’re a nurse. The fact that you also need to work AND look after your family AND yourself is not going to be taken into consideration when they assess her needs. Be prepared. You are going to have to be selfish and work out that this situation is either untenable now, or soon will be. Your grandmother may start wandering and could hurt herself trying to leave your flat, etc....