Help! Stop me from sending this to my 88 year old parent!

[Nextphonewontbesamsung]

I have typed out this email:

"I just heard your answerphone message. Bit late in the day to call you back now, so will try tomorrow afternoon. I am ok, been better this week.

But - do you really want to know how I am? (as you said in your message) or do you actually want to talk about your problems again? If it's the latter can we put it on hold til the weekend? I've got quite a lot on my plate and it piles on to to my stress levels to listen to your issues repeatedely.

Sent with love (I'm just being honest!) x"

I can't send it and I won't send it, but it's what I want to say so badly!! At the moment I am physically unwell and waiting for surgery any time soon (but functioning, nothing desperate) and so on top of handling this and how it affects my life, my Christmas plans, my work, my family - I also have to handle this parent's worry about it. And they can offer nothing except needing weekly updates from me which take about 5 minutes to convey, followed by the usual 45 minutes of me listening to their problems.

I have been their counsel since I was 11 years old and I have been sick of it for years. Intellectually, I know I will miss this person deeply when they are gone (lost 1 parent already) but my heart says there will also be a great deal of relief from the mental strain.

So - lovely people of Elderly Parents - I just totally delete that email message don't I and start afresh?

Send it if it's how you feel!

If they can read emails, I suggest you send regular updates by email (without waiting for prompting by them) and then don't answer phone calls. If you do answer a phone call, say at the beginning "I've only got 10 minutes) and stick to it, even if it seems rude to say "got to go, sorry, goodbye".

I suspect sending it would open a can of not cute worms

But is the parent not worried about your surgery etc? I mean, not that I’d want them to worry but would expect some sympathy etc.

Don't send it. They will obsess over it if they are a worrier so it won't help.

Send a cheery email every few days. It can be much more positive than you feel.

Yes it's not fair and so very annoying but is your parent likely to change their behaviour? Unlikely.

Encourage them to reply to you by email too and with the occasional phone call which you make whilst doing something else useful too, emptying the dishwasher for example.

"I just heard your answerphone message. I will try to ring you on the weekend when things aren't so busy. I am ok, been better this week. Been very busy with work, family & other plans. I am a super looking forward to the surgery (scheduled when). Don't worry about my surgery, I am sure it will go well. I hope that things are good with you, too.

Love - Next x"

I wish you should send the email. Some people deserve a telling when they only think about themselves and their issues.

But, thinking about you, I think it's too late to be candid. Maybe years ago, this should have been nipped in the bud. But I don't think you'll feel very good about yourself if someone bad happened to your parent in the near future. Of course it wouldn't be your fault, but it's human nature to ruminate deeply about how what a relationship was like before someone passes away. X

“ But I don't think you'll feel very good about yourself if someone bad happened to your parent in the near future”

I think this is crap. Mainly I think don’t send the email because it will be so much hassle for you. But we’re human, dad and I had some serious disagreements before he fell ill and died. Didn’t matter. I think it’s fair to say neither of us would have changed our approach with knowledge of what was coming.

I also think don’t send it. You’ll be wading through treacle for ages while the parent worries and obsessed over it. You’ll get so fed up you’ll retract your statement just to get some peace and quiet.

I do get it though, being subject to many hours of being talked at by a parent who knows where the neighbours cousins best friends son went on holiday but couldn’t tell you my job title.