Could I have a handhold please

[HeatedDryer]

I'll try and keep it brief.

MIL - 83 - was rushed into hospital early this morning and is now in a high dependency unit for breathing difficulties. She has COPD and they think she has an infection which has made breathing very difficult. DH has been with her today, she's very poorly.

MIL has been carer for FIL - 79 - he has vasculitis and has been very unwell and on intensive drug regime, at home and has been improving.

FIL is being extremely stubborn about accepting help from us, however he is very unsteady on his feet, uses a walker in the home, needs frequent trips to the toilet as he is taking water tablets, needs a cocktail of drugs, meals etc etc. MIL has been doing all of this, we have of course supported as much as possible but she's been exhausted with it all. He also has a low immune system due to his drugs so has been pretty much housebound.

FIL just given us a lecture about how he has the right to decide if he wants anyone helping him etc. He's retired clergy and very forthright in his views. I get where he's coming from but he does need some support. DH is going to stay anyway tonight but the next few days and weeks could be difficult to say the least. I'm particularly worried in case he has a fall. They live about 1/2 hour away.

SIL is useless in a practical sense and sporadic with contact, although has been to the hospital today.

Sorry that ended up being quite long. I just needed to vent.

Handhold from me @HeatedDryer. That’s a heartbreaking situation. It must be very hard to be elderly and to become reliant on your offspring.

You sound like a very kind DiL. Best wishes for you, your DH & the PiL 💐

@Dreamersandwishers thank you so much for your kind reply, it means a lot.

That's a very difficult situation, OP. Sorry you're having to deal with this.

I agree with the PP - you do sound like a lovely DIL.

It's hard when elderly people want to retain their independence but actually need a good deal of care.

and

And if that helps...

I think it is his right to cope as he sees fit. You offer your love and support and wait for him to accept it. The only exception, IMO, is if someone loses their mental capabilities.

I agree with Mammajay that unless people lose their capacity to make rational decisions it has to be their right to decline care.

I am not sure how I would cope if my DC thought I needed help when I became old or infirm.

It's so difficult.

I hope your MIL improves soon. The rest in hospital will do her good. She is probably exhausted with caring for your FIL, as well as having the infection.

@Mammajay and @TheMustressMhor I truly hope you are never in a situation where you have to pick up the pieces if an elderly relative refuses care. I'm not coming back to this thread.
Thanks to those who have offered support.

@HeatedDryer I am in a position where I have to pick up the pieces, clear up the 💩, take the criticism from others who 'know better'. The blunt and painful truth is our loved ones with capacity absolutely have the right to make choices and that includes poor choices.

It's bloody hard and very draining but FIL may need to find things out for himself. MIL is unlikely to be up to providing his care again and frankly nor should she.

I can't offer you any easy solutions only empathy. I really hope MIL makes steady progress

@HeatedDryer

I think you have misinterpreted what I said. I am very sorry if you thought I was being judgemental or unsupportive. It was not my intention.

I really do feel for you in this difficult situation. I was an elderly care nurse for many years and I have seen at first hand how awful some situations are with regard to elderly people who do not want to accept help.

Please accept my apologies for any upset and distress I caused you.

I'm so sorry to hear this. I can relate all too well. One day at a time.