Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Elderly parents
Original poster

Your opinion

25 replies

Bobstergirl · 06/12/2019 17:38

My mother is 86. She has been living at home with carers coming in each day.

She is physically ok if frail tired and weak.

What is concerning me is her memory. Over the last year things have stopped working eg her tv only shows shopping channels, when we go to see it we just change chanels and it is fine. Hearing aids dont work but when we check them they are fine. She has forgotten that her phone has a memory so dials in the numbers each time - sometimes I think she can not do this. Always gets the dustbin muddled up recycling etc (tbh so do I!). Misunderstands conversations.

She also just gets up and wanders off in middle of conversations and conversations are very hard to follow with her having difficulty recalling names

Other times she is perfectly fine.

I arrived one day to find her in a state as she did not know how to use the microwave. She can no longer remember her pin number on her card. On this particular day also could not remember if she had taken her medication or not.

Writing it down it seems to be clear that she has some sort of demetia or memory loss.

The Drs dont think it is dementia because she is aware of being confused and forgetting things. Say it could be vascular dementia and she did have a memory test 9 months ago and the result showed mild cognitive impairment. She also had a CT in the summer that noone was worried about and said pretty normal for an 86 year old.

I am not sure if she is eating because if she cannot use the microwave then how is she cooking?

I have managed to get her in for respite care and the stress and trauma of this has nearly killed me!

Now two days in she is demanding to come home.

I am unsure as to how much care she needs. Maybe residential care is too much as she can be fine at times (if depressed and grumpy!) but I can not go to her ever week to get money out and check every day she is eating. Although I guess I could increase the carers in her own home.

Aaah how do I proceed? How can I tell how bad she is if I am not with her 24/7 and as I work full time this is not an option.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 06/12/2019 17:46

Dementia at your mother's age is very common, but I would also be wondering if her medications might be causing her memory issues. This happened with my grandmother when she was 86, and it turned out she was being over-medicated. My mum and her siblings took her to a geriatric specialist, got her meds sorted, and she was back to her normal self. She lived to 100 and never had any further issues with memory or confusion. This may not be the case with your mum but it's something to consider.

Original poster
Bobstergirl · 06/12/2019 18:02

Thank you for your thoughts Aquamarine her medication is unlikely to be causing the issues as she is only taking reflux medication that she has been on for years.

Although I will mention it to the Drs

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 06/12/2019 18:04

Do you think she would be open to moving to an assisted living facility? She could have her own flat but there would be carers around 24/7.

Original poster
Bobstergirl · 06/12/2019 18:37

She might do. Can carers help with basic cooking and shopping?

OP posts:
Original poster
Bobstergirl · 06/12/2019 18:42

Although learning a new house would be a challenge She can not lock her own door from the outside and would have no idea about new cookers and fridges etc

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 06/12/2019 19:40

Different facilities offer different amenities. Some provide meals, etc. I think your mum might be able to handle a new cooker and fridge, and the staff would be there to get her sorted. It's something you can look into. Good luck.

Bargebill19 · 06/12/2019 19:54

Ok , so double check for medication side effects and/or a uti. Her mild cognitive impairment could take a nose dive due to either of those two potential problems - or - time has moved on and the impairment has progressed.
Assisted living places are now usually called retirement plus apartments. (Another term same thing). They are usually a flat to be purchased, monthly service charges and annual ground rent to be paid on top. Care packages paid on top of all that. Care can be sourced in house - dependant on company and staff availability. Some will provide, for a charge a cooked three course meal in a restaurant plus a cold evening meal in the residents apartment. They do care, meds, housework, laundry and companionship calls. All of which is charged for. Be warned, they are not easy to resell. If you can rent - then that’s the route I would now choose. They are good, but have their limitations and the bills soon mount up. Many will have restrictions on how ‘bad’ the new resident can be before they are accepted. You have to pass an interview before moving in.
Purchasing additional care in your mums existing setting might be an easier option. Or, perhaps start with a day care center?

Apologies for the long post.

Toofaroutallmylife · 06/12/2019 20:00

Have you spoken to the care home about their perception of her? It may be that their experience and observation may give you a more objective view

Original poster
Bobstergirl · 06/12/2019 20:12

Bargebar thank you for your useful (not long post). You have given me some things to consider. I am concerned about resale and also the cost in our area is extremely high. Probably cost more than her 3 bed house she would have to sell.

Toofaroutforallmylife that was the intention to get the care homes observations but she is threatening to leave after 3 days....

I could either leave her there and suffer the stress of this and also her reaction to it or bring her home and increase her home care but I feel we will be back in this situation again very soon.

It is such a difficult situation is she safe at home, do I wait for an inevitable crisis, or act at the moment against her wishes .

OP posts:
Bargebill19 · 06/12/2019 20:24

Do you have power of attorney - and has she given you the power to use it? Generally, you have to wait until capacity is lost before you can use/invoke a power of attorney. (Not always - it depends on what conditions were/weren’t included). Capacity is judged by medical professionals.
You can try to persuade her to stay in the home - how you go about that it up to you.
Honestly, most but not all people end up waiting (hoping?)for a crisis before moving - loved one into a home.
You cannot force someone with capacity to stay somewhere they do not want to be and against their will.
Speak to the home - they may have witnessed behaviour that you haven’t and can perhaps help you to come up with a plan. Good luck.

Bargebill19 · 06/12/2019 20:25

Oh and it often takes a couple of weeks before someone settles into a care home.

Original poster
Bobstergirl · 06/12/2019 20:37

Thank you for your words. We do have power of attorney set up but she does have capacity (I think) although unable to handle money or bills etc she can make decisions.

We will try and persuade her to stay for a bit longer...

OP posts:
TigerDroveAgain · 06/12/2019 20:45

Recent experience:

UTI?
boredom?
Depression?

My mum of similar age wouldn’t contemplate a care home. I got a private carer/companion to go in for a couple of hours a day to do non essential but important stuff, chatting to her, and keeping an eye on things. Mum also had carers 4xday to do personal care. She was vague some of the time, sharp as a pin (on Brexit) the rest of the time.

Original poster
Bobstergirl · 06/12/2019 21:01

No Uti although she did have one earlier in the year with a lot of hallucinations etc but she did get over that in time.

Yes there is a lot of boredom but as she is quite anxious she does not go anywhere even when encouraged and with company

OP posts:
thesandwich · 06/12/2019 21:46

Live in care might be worth exploring? Carers could help with cooking etc.

soupforbrains · 06/12/2019 23:14

Another vote here for this potentially being caused by a stubborn UTI

I've seen it completely muddle and confuse people, make them seem like they have dementia just as you described. I've seen it cause someone to one minute be fine and the next think it's 40 years ago and the child on their lap is their son, not their grandson. Or suddenly forget that a loved one has passed away and ask where they are. When they 'snap out of it' they recognise that they were wrong/mistaken/confused.

If it is a UTI then the plus side is that it's easily treatable.

TARSCOUT · 06/12/2019 23:22

Uti vote again!

Lunafortheloveogod · 06/12/2019 23:30

If she’s still in the care home could you get them to do a urine dip?
3 days isn’t long and depending on when you get the “I’m not staying” reaction it could just be you that hears that, which is unfortunate and hard for you but speaking from experience we had a lady who was an absolute ray of sunshine.. singing, dancing, call me aunty x etc until she saw one of her daughters. That woman got hell, she would threaten to end her own life, demanded to go home and if she wouldn’t take her she’d run away, throwing herself down having a fake fainting episode. If it wasn’t for her daughter seeing videos from activities we done and her siblings seeing normal mum there’s not a chance she’d have believed she was settled.

Have the staff said she’s unsettled, you can check her care plan, we had sheets to fill in for everyone about their mood/behaviour/anything in general.

Original poster
Bobstergirl · 07/12/2019 09:00

Thank you all so much for your words of experience.

I think I will stay away from the care home today - my brother is going in I will get him to ask for a dipstick UTI check and see what today brings!

OP posts:
malfoylovespotter · 07/12/2019 17:31

It sounds to me like she has capacity and therefore if she wants to come home she can!

I assume she must be self funding if you've sorted the respite yourself? If SS has done it we wouldn't have placed her against her will.

Carers can help with food, make sure she eats, prompt to eat etc. I'd exhaust all that before moving towards residential.

Beamur · 07/12/2019 17:37

There are lots of gadgets you can get to help with taking meds at the right time - plus lots of other stuff. My advice would be to introduce equipment like that sooner rather than later as it needs an amount of functional memory to learn.
Staying at home with relatively mild dementia and the right support might be best if you can manage it.

Original poster
Bobstergirl · 07/12/2019 19:40

Gadgets have been introduced but are too difficult for her to use.

She has not been placed against her will - she is homesick and wants her old life back which unfortunately is not possible.

if she wants to come home she can! Noone is stopping her coming home but it is not that simple, she can not shop for herself, open her front door or use the phone - she needs support for all of this which is hard for me to do alongside full time work etc. Yes carers can help but need to be managed and advised by someone as she is not capable.

No UTI on dipstick

OP posts:
Bargebill19 · 07/12/2019 20:41

Oh bum.
Can you spin out some love lies? Eg. The doctor thinks a break in this nice home will help you get strong/better? Or you need to do some work on her home and it would be easier/better for her to stay in the care home? Anything that she might accept and give her time to accept the new reality of a care home.
It’s sounds like you either do that and hope she settles or you bring her home with a greatly enlarged care package - which might be difficult to achieve depending on supply and demand in her area. Or you wait for a crisis and hope that a best interests meeting falls in favour of her residing in a care home permanently.
You are right, it’s nigh on impossible for you to work full time and care full time and have a family life of your own.
Have the care home made any suggestions on how you proceed - given that they will have been watching her 24/7?
It’s a hard road- you have my sympathy.

Beamur · 07/12/2019 21:40

Ah. That's not so good.
My MIL is in a care home. Frail, dementia, etc.. Doesn't love it, but we really have no other option. She is unable, even with carers to live elsewhere. She needs 24 hr supervision but doesn't understand why. Even in the home, which is very good, she's fallen repeatedly as she can't remember she can't stand unaided.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page