Is my Mum normal?

[Tupster]

I feel bad putting this here because my Mum is 76 and would be furious to be called elderly!

Thing is I've just had yet another row with her where she's got something completely wrong but been completely convinced she's right. This is not entirely out of character - she's always been someone who is convinced she's right about everything, but it's the kind of things she's getting wrong that are worrying me. This isn't opinions, it's just ordinary day-to-day things.

Tonight it was an arrangement we'd made about 3 days ago for her to arrive at my house at 5.30. She denies we'd had that conversation and is absolutely insistent I'd told her not to come before 7, even though that makes no sense - I had a table booked at a restaurant for her. It's happening repeatedly over these type of little things and I almost feel like I'm being gaslighted, because I know she's 100% convinced she's right, not just being bloody-minded. It's just she's actually 100% wrong. We recently had a row about where a sugar bowl came from that I'd bought right in front of her about a month previously. It turned into a row because she just wouldn't accept what I said - that one took my Dad intervening and agreeing with me to finally persuade her.

Is this a normal sort of deterioration with age? I wouldn't be so worried if she was being ditsy and admitting she's confused about things and forgetting, but she's always so adamant - it's like she's built up a total alternative reality about things in her head - and that makes it seem like there's something odd going on. Especially because it's not big things, it's just these endless little niggly things that she's getting wrong but she can't see or accept it.

I don't know if I'm making a mountain out of a molehill because the whole "no I didn't" "yes you did" bit gets me wound up - especially when she ends up completely messing up everyone's plans and blaming me! So I'd really appreciate some advice about whether this is normal aging and I should just suck it up and keep on squabbling with my mum, or whether this is just the first signs of something much more sinister?

Does she use a smart phone? If she does get her to book things in her phone so there is no misunderstanding. There is no need to fall out you just need to do things differently. Make sure this is done in front of you.

Is this a normal sort of deterioration with age?

No. I'm really sorry.

I suspect if you speak to your dad he will have many more examples.

Early intervention has the best possible chance of slowing down most progressive diseases in the dementia family, so if possible that needs to be ruled in/out quickly. If she won't agree though there isn't a huge amount you can force her to do.

Remember that for all her 'gaslighting' and confabulation, part of her probably will be aware something is going wrong somewhere and it will be terrifying for her.

Why do you need her to acknowledge she’s wrong?
I get it’s frustrating being told you’re wrong when you KNOW you aren’t but in the grand scheme of things does it matter where the sugar bowl came from?
Obviously if it’s a symptom of a potential bigger issue keep an eye on it but other than that just say “ if you say so Mum” and leave it at that

If it's making plans to meet up or having visitors she could keep diary calender in the kitchen and a reminder on her phone, then theres no confusion. For things like the sugar bowl I'd just either not discuss things like that, it's not worth an argument. There probably isn't much point in squabbling, maybe if your dad has noticed a change in her behaviour or memory he could suggest she sees her doctor.

I wouldn’t argue with her as it’s not going to change her opinion. She knows she’s right. No point in everone including her getting raised blood pressure.

Just make sure things are recorded in writing so no misremembering will occur and she will be promoted by her calendar that it’s a 5.30pm meet up not 7pm. They all seem to get a bit forgetful. As someone else said it must be terrifying. You can get her tested for dementia I think.

Thanks for all the comments. You're all right, I need to try and duck out of some of these things earlier. It's not that I need her to acknowledge that she's wrong, it's just some of the time she's causing problems and then on top of dealing with the problems, plus the worry about why she's got it wrong, she's telling me it's my fault - that's very hard to take.

I think I worry too about glossing over anything too much with her because I know she's someone that finds it very hard to accept any kind of weakness so I'm worried that she could easily go a long way downhill before she'd agree to talk to a doctor about it or accept any help. I certainly don't want to terrify her, it's more that I want her to have the awareness of what her mind's doing so she can either fight back or choose her own way of dealing with it - sort of pick her own moment to ask for help or see the doctor rather than being dragged down there when things get desperate.

But I think it's good advice here to try and just focus on getting more appointments and agreements in writing with her and just changing the subject on the other stuff.

Read up on confabulation. I’m sorry you are going through this

I know exactly what you mean, I get accused of saying she is lying if I contradict her. She can say something quite ridiculous but it is totally true in her mind.

Thank you for the tip about confabulation - that does sound a bit like what's happening.

I hate to say this OP but when my Gran became like this it was because she was in the early stages of Alzheimer’s. She would argue black was white rather than admit she had a problem with her memory and half the time she didn’t believe she had a problem with her memory anyway. As an earlier poster said, talk to your dad, he is probably already covering up for her a lot out of misplaced loyalty.

You need to pick your battles, OP. I've been right where you are and I know it's infuriating . But arguing over "who bought a sugar bowl" isn't doing either of you any good.

She needs to be assessed for dementia, so talk to your Dad about getting an appointment with the GP, who is the first port of call.

Meantime, with things like appointments, make a habit of calling her to remind her, half an hour before you are going to meet. That way you will both know that she has to be somewhere in 30 minutes and you'll avoid some of the arguments.

Good luck !

My mum is also only 76, but is deteriorating rapidly. I have finally got my sibling to agree to an assessment. From what I have been told the arguing points more towards Alzheimer’s than the forgetfulness.

Sounds like dementia ho me love

Dementia is turning up in surveys as being the greatest health fear of the over 60s, ahead of the other obvious candidates. She'll be very aware of what's happening, and every time you challenge her, you are asking her to admit that the thing she fears most is upon her. No wonder she holds hard to her beliefs.

My MiL is a bit like this. She's in the early stages dementia (we've not been to what kind, but I suspect vascular) she forgets things like that she has a great granddaughter and refers to her as him and calls her by her brother 's name.

I am 71 and am starting to be aware of acting similar. There are no arguments as we keep it light-hearted but it does concern me. I am so convinced that I am correct, but when given proof I know that my memory is false.

It is more difficult for you, because your mum already has the ‘always has to be right’ attitude. This makes is harder to asses whether it is the start of dementia. I doubt that you will be able to convince your mum to seek help. If it is the beginning of dementia, you will notice other signs, such as repeating conversations in a short space of time or asking the same question. You do have to bite your tongue in this case.