I'm drowning...

[Didiplanthis]

I'm not really looking for advice, just empathy I think ! My mum is very very ill, and my dad is trying so hard but is now utterly overwhelmed by the day to day stuff, which there doesn't seem to be any help for, he's struggling to stay on top of bills, can't work out what to do if the tv stops working, struggling to liase with all the care team involved with my mum, and is exhausted with the stress of it all. I live 60 miles away and children with additional needs who we have absolutely no help with and no access to child care and also work. I'm trying to go every weekend to help them but I'm running on empty now. I always thought it's ok if they need help they can buy in care. But the help they need isn't out there and can't be bought. Any ideas ? They have always been so independent and refused to move closer and she's too ill to move now.

Just sending a handhold and OP. It's an impossible situation and no obvious answers. Is there a neighbour who might be willing to call in on a regular basis (maybe formalised via a small payment?) to have a cup of tea with your dad and help with some of the daily tasks maybe?

That sounds horrible. Only thing I can suggest is getting on to Age UK or other charities for elderly people to see if they have volunteers who can help - or any advice. They may come up with something you hadn’t thought of. My elderly dad gets v muddled and lives over an hour’s drive away so I know a little of how tough it can be. (Annoyingly, he refuses to move nearer too.)

Thank you. My poor dad just managed to swallow his pride and go to the neighbour for help and now the neighbour has been hospitalised too !! I've given him the number for age concern (he wants to ring !) It's tough when they have always been so strong clever and independent.

I just want to offer you empathy, as I don't think I can really advise much.

I too have elderly parents with increasing health issues. They live three hours drive away from me, or a train journey. I no longer have young children (youngest is now 17) so the issue of childcare has gone, but it is still very hard.

My parents have also always been fiercely independent. They have guarded that to the extent of (I suspect) being quite secretive about medical issues. I doubt they ever tell me the half of it.

I see them struggling. I make occasional suggestions if I think something might help them, but many get rejected out of hand. They have difficulty now cooking and preparing meals as they can't stand for long enough to do it comfortably, so don't eat enough. My sister and I have both suggested a good meal delivery service. Met with "No, we don't want that!"

Have you and your Dad considered setting up Lasting Power of Attorney? That would enable you to help him with the finances if he is struggling there. There is PoA for finances and for health and welfare. My parents have actually done the financial one with us, do that is something anyway.

It is something to consider. Beyond the first few meetings to discuss what's what you could possibly help with financial stuff without always going to visit them for it.

Something to think about anyway, if you haven't already.

I would keep trying to find the paid help they need.

I'd focus on trying to advertise / interview for someone privately rather than using a traditional care agency. Or perhaps approach it more from a Housekeeper / Personal Assistant angle so you get someone looking at a bigger 'life' picture rather than short term care needs?

Or a private care agency but that has a vulnerable adults / families in need focus rather than just the elderly???

Admittedly I would be a bit stumped as to how to start that search but google would be first call - maybe local Facebook sites / Job Centre / advertising at local coffee shops / libraries / community centres???

I see that as being your long term and best solution so although it will feel like a mammoth task that you haven't got time for, it is crucial to your and their future so is time worth investing.

Do they have anything like a "Good Neighbour" scheme near them? My sister volunteers for them and they help out locals with lifts and so forth. I'm not sure if their remit extends to the areas your parents need, but might be worth investigating?

Or, what about advertising on their local FB site for someone who could spare a few hours a week/day (or however it best suits them) on a paid basis, tailor-made to their needs. I've just seen someone on ours, offering their services for a range of help for an elderly person/couple.

When you say you can’t buy in the help, I remember someone on this board got a PA for their parents who did all the bill paying etc

I had an elderly neighbour to whom I gave help but she also had someone from the church come in and do her post everyday, is there anything like that in the area?

Stuff like the TV, I know it’s distressing but unfortunately if they haven’t got any friends who can help with that it needs to go in the non important box.

Do you have power of attorney? Alternatively can your DDad authorise ypu to deal with bills bank accounts etc. That way those you can monitor from a distance even online. I think even if you get help locally you are wise to do this from a "safeguarding" prospective.

Yes, I'd second the PoA idea. the Financial one can be set up to come into effect while the person still has capacity, so you could manage bills and finance from a distance.

Draft a letter for your Mum to sign saying that the medical and care staff are authorised to speak to you, and then phone them to find out what's going on so you can support your DF.

I'd be trying to take on more stuff remotely and cut down on the weekend visits, say once every two weeks, less if you can manage.

I will just say that my dad deteriorated quite dramatically and suddenly, and somehow lost the ability to perform quite basic cognitive tasks. He had been quite handy with texts and emails and setting his Sky box and so forth. Then he just started showing confusion and would try to recline his chair with the tv remote and things like that. Very soon afterwards, it became apparent he couldn't live alone any more. He forgot how to make a cup of tea and couldn't manage to dress himself or personal hygiene. In his case, yes, he was ill with cancer too, but it was also a sign of his distress and worry about being alone. That's not the case for your parents by the sounds of it, but you nonetheless might want to think ahead to a longer-term plan, so that you're not put in a position in future where you're having to fire-fight and make panicked and rushed decisions about care.
Yes, yes, yes to Power of Attorney, both for financial affairs and medical. That was a game-changer for us with my parents. Made things immeasurable easier.

Would they be willing to have an assessment done by the local council? It's not necessarily about getting them a care package, but could be about offering them simple fixes at home, to make life easier. My dad has a disability and was offered a wet room plus grab rails. He and my mum now qualify for attendance allowance and so they use that to pay a friend to pop in. She does some ironing, bits of cleaning etc.

Depending on your parents' financial situation, they might also qualify for help with what our council calls a 'personal assistant'. It's someone to help with the things you struggle with...which could include bill paying etc. Obviously you might have to allow the person access to bank accounts but if you also have access, you can keep an eye on it too.

My experience so far is that there are a lot of benefits and services available, but if your dad won't do it, perhaps you could ring Age Uk yourself and have a chat about what some of their options would be?

💐 for you, it is tough isn't it

YY to getting POA set up

Could the bills be settled by DD. Then make sure that the bills are as far as possible paperless so that no 'bills' or statements turn up and they can really just forget about them. Get online access to their accounts and you can check that there is money to meet the DDs.

All the best.

Thanks for all the advice. I'll look into all your suggestions !