Feeling guilty at setting boundaries

[Smiling2019]

I’m feeling guilty because I’m setting boundaries with older parents and in the process, I think I’m causing hurt.

I don’t want to (one day) regret this, so I’d love to hear how others manage this.

I have a very close relationship with my parents and I also have a job/vocation which I love, but which keeps me incredibly busy. My parents are mid 70s and live about 60 miles away (about a 90 minute drive).

I’m nearly 50 and so far, despite a few long term relationships, haven’t married. I’m content with that, but now as my parents age and their health is not as good, I am needed by them more. I accept that fully as a responsibility, as I love them dearly and don’t want to have regrets. But I also want to live my own life and keep a healthy balance between the two.

If there is an emergency, and there have been quite a few, I’m there like a shot. At one point, I was driving up and down the motorway every night after work, for 2 weeks, to make sure they were ok after an extended hospital stay.

I ring every morning and we’re in contact throughout the day via text or email. I also go and stay for a day (and stay overnight) 2 weekends per month, and help do jobs etc.

They have a good, local community who pitches in and I have a sister who helps too.

But my mum grew up in a difficult home and has always had lots of insecurities. These seem to be coming to the surface more as she gets older. She has struggled health wise and my dad isn’t in good health too, but she often tells me she’s sad, lonely and wants to see me more.

Although I stay for nearly 48 hours every 2 weeks, she wants me to stay longer. It’s just not possible because of work/life and just basically needing some time to myself, after a hugely hectic week. My mum has a good, busy life and goes out with friends 1-2 times a week. They also get visitors and they have some good friends who ring or text throughout the week too. She is a carer for my dad though and he is quite hard work, often grumpy and irritable.

So in short, I try and make sure they have everything they need, we are in contact multiple times a day, I’m there for 1-2 nights every two weeks, they have a good support system locally....but to give more Of me, would mean losing some of what I need to be whole and/or pursue my own life! Does that sound selfish? I genuinely don’t know!!

I’ve put a few Gentle boundaries In place...e.g, please don’t ring me at work (text or message Instead) as I’m often in meetings. Also, if I have to leave Early on a weekend, don’t ask me to stay another day (it makes me feel horrendous!!). This is because I’m often quite run down...I’m always getting colds and bugs and I think I’m doing too much!

These wee boundaries have caused great upset and I now feel really bad! I feel like I’m doing the best I can with the time I have, but perhaps if I don’t give more, I will regret it when they’re gone?

Has anyone else been through this? How did you manage it?

Suggest if DPs go into hospital again, you can request paid or unpaid leave to help with dependants after they leave hospital(doesn't only apply to children)

Secondly, you do need some time to yourself. So that you have strength to provide care

Instead of every day, what about every other day ?

Your DPs are fortunate that you live fairly close

If they have regular medicine, get it delivered free by pharmacy
Fill out form at pharmacy
Phone to reorder

It is ok to say NO

The no I can't stay anymore than 48 hours

If you haven't already

They need a cleaner & gardener

Gives them some social interaction, as well as the assigned tasks

I had to set the "please don't phone me at work" boundary when one of my parents was very ill. I felt bloody awful about it but they didn't understand that I couldn't be distracted at work - i had to get my work done - and secondly, if some bad news came I then had to carry on as if nothing had happened in front of clients (oh I'm sure they'd understand - actually no they'd probably complain about my lack of professionalism).

This and me only doing a 9-hour round trip every 3 weeks is still being dragged up years later as evidence that I didn't care. I felt so guilty and like a complete shit for not going more but I was a mental and physical wreck by the end of it all. I know that going more and being constantly available would probably have sent me into a full breakdown or led to me losing my job. But you have a right to your own mental and physical health (both of which sound stressed from your OP) and you're human, not a robot, you need to look after yourself too.

You're already suffering from a lot of colds , you say, so that's a sign that what you're doing is beginning to impact on your health. Always remember that you won't be able to help them if your own health (physical or mental) collapses, and you won't be able to give them what you want if you start to resent all time spent with them.

The cynical part of me says that if "wee boundaries" cause such upset, you might as well go for big ones.

You talk about doing jobs - think hard about what you do for them. Concentrate on doing things only you can do.You're the only person who can help them make decisions, and help them manage their lives. Try to sub-contract everything else. OK to do odd jobs that it would be too difficult to get a tradesman in for, but don't get into the habit of doing regular jobs -eg get a gardener or a cleaner. Make sure they have PoAs in place, that your father gets attendance allowance (which isn't means tested). You're in your 50s with them in their 70s - remember you could still be looking after them when they're in their 90s and you're 70+ - you need to set boundaries and make sure everything is sustainable long term. No need for any guilt - remember expectations come from those with parents in their 50s - the nearer people get to care for the elderly, the more they stress "look after yourself first" - and in my experience this has been true of health care and social care practitioners above all.

You sound as though you’re doing your very best and you’re doing the right thing by taking care of your own needs where you can. Just one point, you can’t change your mother’s childhood experiences, nor can you repair them. When she says she’s sad and lonely it’s putting you in a position of feeling guilty for something you can’t help with. Has she always led a fairly isolated life?

Make sure you have a way of off-loading your stress in a positive way. You’re entitled to your own life. Your parents could be around for many years to come, you have to pace yourself.

You sound be be already committing a lot of time to your parents.And as Hero says please pace yourself.I know from experience as my dad lived into his 90s and my mum is now a frail,housebound 97 year old who won't accept any outside help.She has grudgingly allowed a cleaner once a fortnight but otherwise is totally reliant on myself and siblings.Fortunately I live close so can go dailly for short periods,but now feel have to.And having barely had a day off in years running my own business and helping with grandchildren tbh much as I've been close to mum I often feel resentful.Then guilty.Then stressed and anxious.
Her mantra is I can manage.But she can't. Or it isn't worth getting help I won't be here much longer.In other words I want you to do it.
So take care of your own health.Establish those boundaries.It's particularly unfair of your mum to guilt trip you to stay another night when you've been and need a bit of time before work.Just because you're close and love your parents you are entitled to a life.It sounds like they already have other social contacts.Over time those dwindle away.All mum's friends are dead now.And if your parents live a long time it sounds harsh but theirs will be too.Save some energy-efficient - and patience -for then.All the best.

Sorry stupid phone and typos.Efficient not meant to be in there ?!

Agree with above posters that you might have 20-30 years of this care ahead of you, pace yourself.
Persist with the boundaries, you can always increase how much time/care you give now....but it will be very hard to decrease it!

Your boundaries are more than reasonable and if anything you are probably doing too much.
Delegate as much as you can. Use pharmacy deliveries, on line shopping and cleaners/gardeners if they can afford it. Support your parents by all means but make time for yourself and don't feel guilty about it.