Elderly mother living abroad

[IamAporcupine]

I have posted a couple of times about this, but I could do with more advice.

I am 48, work full time and have a 7yo DS. DH has just now started a new full-time job with a long commute. We are trying to adjust.
My mother is 87, she lives by herself in something like sheltered accommodation in a European city (3 hr flight)

My (half) brother is 66, is married, has two adult sons (who are married and have children) and has just retired. He lives in the same city as DM. In fact his house is 10-15min drive to hers.

DM was ill last week and was admitted to hospital. Nothing serious but she was in quite a bit of pain. She is back home now, but quite fragile. We have arranged for a nurse to go and see her 4x day to make sure she is taking her medicines etc. It was quite stressful at first but it seems to me under control now.

Similar situations have happened in the past. Short stays in hospital etc. Obviously DM is not getting any younger and every time it gets more difficult. I have always tried to travel to see her, either when she was admitted or to help her coming back home, or if that was not possible as soon as I could. This time I will not be there until the following weekend.

I have talked to my brother and by the end of the conversation he said to me 'you owe me one'

I can totally understand that he feels frustrated because almost everything falls on him, and he must be tired and even fed up with it all. He does not particularly have a good relation with DM which makes it more difficult.

I try to be as present as much as I can provided the circumstances. I look after anything that can be done from here. I understand that sometimes he'd like me to be there right then, but that's not always possible, I have other responsibilities, and if it is not an emergency I cannot just leave everything and go. Apart from bringing my mum to live with us, I am not sure what else I can do to make him less angry with me?

I was actually about to come back to the thread to update.

Since I started the thread I visited her twice - 10 days ago and now.
The first time I found her in a really bad state, she was very confused and seemed she had almost given up eventhough there wasn't anything seriously wrong with her. But she had been in bed for about 10 days and because she could hardly walk she was using nappies 24hr a day

Luckily we managed to made her realise she had to snap out of it, and she did. The following day she got out of bed and started to use the toilet normally, so I am very glad I came and helped, even if briefly.

This second time I found her much much better. She is almost back to her usual self, even with the negative side of this.

Today I had a long and emtional chat with my brother. He acknowledged that he was not happy when she decided to move close to him and that he has struggled all these years (not just now that she is ageing). I said that I really appreciate what he is doing, even more because I know how difficult their relationship is. What I could not say (only because time run out) was that it was not my fault that she moved here.

Still, it was to get it all (or some) out.

IAma a slightly uneasy but better understanding and an agreed plan to go forward with local services is progress. Hopefully he is a little less angry from now on. Just tough, though. Hopefully your conversation with your brother might let you relax a tiny bit more at home. Never an easy time.

IamAporcupine it's her he's angry with deep down, for "following" him all those years ago by the sound of it, given their difficult relationship.

In a lot of cases the sibling who lives near the elderly parent has had very extensive childcare/ practical day to day and/or financial help from parents which the sibling who moved away hasn't had, making it somewhat less unfair that they do more when the parents need help, but I assume this isn't the case for your brother.

Sorry, I didn't realise there were more posts

@Fortysix - thanks. Yes, I think we both feel much better now

@notnowmaybelater - exactly. DM never did any childcare as the kids were teenagers by then. There was no financial benefit from by brother either.