Watching parents decline

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I’ve just come back from a visit to my parents and I’m sad at the decline in them I’ve seen. They are mid 70s but suddenly feel a decade older. They are still in the family home but starting to struggle and I just don’t know how to persuade them to think about downsizing. They have also become very insular and have no desire to travel to stay with us. My mum is very vulnerable and just wouldn’t cope living alone if something happened to my dad who is not in the best of health.

What have others done in this situation? Have you asked for there to be a plan in place should the worst happen or do you just go with the flow? I feel really worried about them but also sad that I’ve seen such a decline in a short space of time and worry about what sort of quality of life they’ll have in old age.

In a very similar situation with my dad who is also mid 70s and declining rapidly. It's hard to watch isn't it Like your parents I feel he is just giving up on life and rarely wants to leave the house or go anywhere further than our local town for his shopping.

Would you be able to persuade your parents to look at nice, shiny new sheltered or retirement accommodation? Might offer a level of extra care, security and support that they would appreciate in a few years.

Would they consider doing any voluntary work e.g National Trust or charity work to get them out and socialising again?

“ My mum is very vulnerable and just wouldn’t cope living alone if something happened to my dad who is not in the best of health.”

Wondering what vulnerable means here.

Also, what sort of decline are you seeing?

When my folks were early 70, I thought it would be good for them to move to a retirement flat but actually I think the house and stairs may have kept them fitter. Dad died at 79, mum is 81.

I never thought she’d manage alone but she’s not vulnerable, just never lived alone before.

She’s really glad they didn’t downsize but is very fond of the house and wee garden.

My mum lived in Devon, I’m in Surrey. She didnt mention anything but the distance was getting really worrying (and she was 90!). I found a retirement property local to me that I knew she would be able to afford, When she was staying with me I told her we were going to the garden centre, and then had the conversation with her in the car on the way there, saying I just wanted her to see what she could afford if she did ever decide to come and live close to us. Initially she was speechless and a bit cross, but by the time she got back in the car she was thinking about it and she moved up later that year.

For your parents at least have a discussion about Power of Attorney - they need to be in place while both of them still have capacity and dont get used until they are needed so you can do it on the basis of “would be a good idea to get this in place now long before it becomes an issue”.

I am watching mine decline and it is hard. They rely on me a lot for things they used to do themselves.

My parents will not move despite it being in their best interests, nor will they entertain the idea of lifeline or walking aids both which are needed.

You can look into lifeline for them. If they have multiple problems they might qualify for attendance allowance and might agree for you to organise a PA (you can use attendance allowance to pay for this), to visit them once a week or more. The PA can take them out or to appointments. My parents wont agree to this either unfortunately.

Yes to the Power of Attorney two each. You can do them yourself, still a fee to OPG but via solicitors is pricey.

Plus make sure their Wills are up to date and say in the Wills what your parents want them to say.

We’ve got power of attorney sorted out already (thankfully). It’s just like the spark has gone. You can see basic things are just physically harder but really it’s attitude. My dad does do social stuff but my mum doesn’t really have any friends and doing the ironing or going to the supermarket seems to be a highlight of her week.

My mum has always had mental health issues so that is a concern but she has no confidence to do things for herself. I don’t know if she’d even manage a food shop if my dad wasn’t there. I literally don’t think she’d cope for a week on her own. If they were in a more suitable property she’d have more of a chance but I think she’d always need extra support. I’m just dreading the what ifs and knowing that if something happens to my dad first, we’d have to make lots of important decisions under pressure and stress.

The what ifs are just mind-spinning. I am trying to help my parents make plans about moving house etc and the what ifs make it so difficult - if daddy dies soon, this would be a good outcome, if he lives for quite a while, this would be better. Moving to a cheaper house would release capital but if daddy goes to residential care then that would just release more money that had to spent before they could access any government help to pay for care etc etc

With a crystal call it would be easy to tell them what to do, but without it, so hard.

And it is so sad to see them change, and have to make adjustments. Random things - ooh, shall I see I'd mummy would like to come to the spirit of Christmas fair? Oh no, her mobility isn't really up to it

I really do understand how you feel

OP what happens about things like food shopping if your dad is ill?

It sounds like there’s nothing to be lost if you suggest a move.

How far are you, is there a risk that the one left alone will make huge demands on you?

Could you introduce the idea of help now such as cleaner/ gardener? If that is accepted it’s easier to ramp up as necessary.
Find out about local support- age uk etc ready for when you need it. It’s tough to watch..🌺🌺

Trouble is, what seems to be a better solution from the outside - moving to an easily maintained flat - may be bad from the point of view of a person trying to preserve all they value in life - space to do their hobbies, a garden to create, etc. Moving in itself is an upheaval - do they cut their fulfilment in life short by moving in their 60s or 70s, or wait till they have to move, in their 80s, when the moving may exacerbate mental decline?

This sounds similar to the position I was in two years ago. We tried to encourage them to move to sheltered accommodation nearer to us, they weren't against the idea but it didn't happen and then Dad died very suddenly. There was no way Mum could cope on her own, mostly because of her depression and anxiety which made her unable to cope with her other limitations (mobility etc) - we did try for a bit with carers coming in, but she was unhappy and scared and I was 200 miles away. So we ended up moving her into a care home near me in a hurry, which really wasn't ideal, but did force us to 'solve the problem'.

It's absolutely not perfect, but it's the best we could do at the time, and now things have settled a bit it still is the best we can do. However, if they had been already nicely settled somewhere where Mum (or Dad in fact, depending on who had died first) could cope on her own with my help, it would have lessened the need for that massive upheaval while still coping with shock and grief.

So in an ideal world they will think about it now, but they might not want to. In the real world, there might be a crisis decision that has to be made and it might be very difficult, but something will happen and sometimes you have to realise that you don't have much control over what that something will be.

My parents are both very frail, and mum has severe dementia. They manage at home 80 miles away from me with carers, district nurses, gardener, cleaner and so on but its always on a knife edge.

I have emergency plans in place for when things fall apart - I do online shopping for them anyway but if dad can't get out then I do ready meal orders with Waitrose or whatever. I know which care agency is good (their normal carer can't do multiple visits a day), and know the emergency process where SS cover a carer being in hospital so mum gets a respite care place. Similarly I know which care home in their area and mine would be my preferred placement in a hurry.

Having a plan makes me much calmer. I would have liked them to have moved when mum was first ill but dad didn't want to. My PIL have also not downsized, and now MIL is terminally ill and we have plans in place for them too

Yes, I wish I had realised quite how bad things had got and had those plans in place. Quite often the thing you have planned for isn't the thing that happens, but also quite often it is!

Similar position. Both parents and in-laws have suddenly, i.e. within a year or two, gone from busy and active people enjoying their retirement, voluntary and paid work, holidays etc, to elderly people who are struggling to cope. They are all in their mid seventies. Both sets of parents live a couple of hundred miles away from us - in different directions, so we don't see them as frequently as we might like and the changes between visits is striking.

In both cases sudden and serious illness has played a part. My DF went from fit and healthy to dying of heart failure within months, following a cancer diagnosis. My MiL has a serious and untreatable condition which has left her unable to walk unaided, and even then only for very short distances. FiL is struggling to cope, both with the situation and with the extra caring and household responsibilities. But in addition there are other things like no longer wanting to drive after dark (which is understandable) and no longer wanting to use email or the internet (which is a little frustrating). Just 2 years ago he was organising festivals, so this is a big change. They are just about coping at the moment, though it won't take a lot to tip the balance and they are already relying a lot on the kindness of neighbours (we have each others phone numbers).

Short term DH or I can go over to help, but long term, we can't live there and they can't live at ours (no room and we have stairs). Downsizing or moving anywhere (e.g. supported housing which isn't miles from the nearest shops, drs etc) isn't something they could cope with at the moment.

The last 6 months have had us going back and forth between our various sets of parents. That has been all my Ds's school holidays since Easter. During term time, we have to take turns so someone is at home with DS. Our work is flexible in that we can take time off, but that does mean we don't get any income, and that isn't a long term solution.

We did have some plans in place, LPAs etc, but given the speed at which things have happened, and the emotional toll on everyone concerned, those have not been enough. What might be a practical solution in an abstract situation is not what any of the people involved actually want.

Sorry no solutions, just sympathy. It is hard.

fairyflaps have they got carers coming in?

My DF died a couple of years ago and my DM seems to be in a steady decline since. She used to be very active (mostly due to DF's declining health before he died) but then she fell down the stairs and broke her thigh so she doesn't travel too far on her own now as her leg hurts. She doesn't drive and at 83 her weekly trip to the supermarket each week, or back and forth to the GP or hairdresser are her only outings now.

DM has no friends as her and DF were very insular and the only people they mixed with were from DF's bowls club. Now he's gone DM doesn't see anyone except the occasional interaction with a neighbour. She can be a bit cantankerous. She moans that the neighbours never bother to check on her (doesn't realise they have busy lives of their own), but if she does see a neighbour, and they want to chat, she barely talks to most of them, so they can't win!

I worry about her going up and down stairs in her house as she has poor vision in one eye, and since her fall she insists on coming down the stairs backwards. It's hard to broach the subject of reduced mobility etc and whilst I think she'd be ok in some form of retirement/sheltered place, she'd miss her house and having her garden, even though she doesn't really have the energy to do much to the garden these days.

It's awful watching them decline, and I worry all the time about something happening to her in the house or garden and her lying undiscovered. I ring her every other day, and visit her at the weekend, but it's the in-between times that concern me as she doesn't always carry the phone with her for emergency contact.

@AutumnRose1 no they haven't. FiL is trying to do everything. And to be fair he is succeeding, but it is taking its toll on him. The stress of trying to do everything while also dealing with MiL's illness and prognosis is making him more stubborn and set in his ways - and bad tempered.

We're still working on persuading him to get a cleaner, and persuade him that they need to apply for attendance allowance and a blue badge.

I am in a very similar situation OP, and just wanted to Send you a very un-MN hug x

fairy this might sound odd, but would it help if someone else urged them to do these things?

I had a friend who spent every weekend helping her parents, they were a long way away. She was permanently exhausted and worried. One day I was chatting with her mum on the phone and said how worried I was about my friend and said I’m very happy to research carers etc in your area ....tbh I think they were a bit ashamed of themselves or maybe they did t realise how much stress they were causing her till I butted in, but honestly I was worried for her health. They got carer in daily within a couple of weeks.

Could a doctor step in to make those recommendations? Or shall I pose as a friend of yours?!

I hear you OP, it's very hard. For us, it's my PIL. MIL has been diagnosed with a range of medical issues over the last 3-4 years, and as we only see them maybe twice a year, for us it has been a rapid decline. She's gone from an active, perceptive, organised, healthy person to a shuffling, confused, old lady in that time (she has Parkinsons, dementia and osteoporosis). It's very hard for DH to watch, and the practicalities of adjusting to these changes are very hard for all concerned.

However, I'm trying hard not to project my own perspective onto them all the time. I'm not going to assume that they are miserable because their lives look a bit miserable to me. Quality of life is extremely subjective, and tbh I really don't think my PIL (or many of their generation) necessarily think in those terms. They have a roof over their heads, enough money in the bank, their medical conditions are being treated - albeit they are incurable - and they have got family around to support and look out for them.

You can't make people happy - that's not within your control. You can only do what you can, and what they will allow, to address the things that might make them unhappy or cause stress - things like having POA sorted, adjustments in the house to make them safer, keeping wills up to date, thinking ahead to care etc etc. If they won't / can't come to you for visits - then maybe you have to go to them (we are resigned to spending most of our holidays visiting relatives now, we live overseas and there is no way MIL could travel to us).

Courage, OP.