Dementia visits

[kitk]

Hi all,

This thread relates to my grandmother rather than a parent but hope you won't mind me asking. Grandmother has dementia and has moved into a care home near us in September. The care home is great and she's happy there and has made a friend who she goes everywhere with- all good.

The problem is that since she's made this friend she just doesn't want us to visit. When we arrive she uses whatever excuse for us to leave and when the staff step in and tell her we need to go to visitors lounge she'll agree with them but then desperately want to get back to the friend and tells us to go home.

I am so, so happy she's settled and doesn't care about visitors etc but I'm bothered because for two reasons-

1. My eight year old is very attached and likes going to see her so when we call in and are sent home after 5 mins she takes it personally (I've explained it's not her fault etc but she can only get it so much...)

1. The care home staff couldn't be more amazing but I feel a bit judged when we visit, I can't convince her to come sit in a lounge with me to talk etc and even when they help I can't get her to stay and talk.

So I guess I'm conflicted now because the visits are clearly for our benefit rather than hers as she'd rather we left her alone but I can't just accept never seeing her again either? Anyone have advice?

I still think you should visit but prepare your daughter in advance. Can you take some kind of treat with you for grandmother to eat and say that we are all having one in the lounge. You could even take extra for her to give to her friend after.

I guess it's a kind of bribery.

Another reason to visit is so the staff see that outside people are interested in how she is treated. I'm not saying that she might not be well treated. It does not hurt to keep an eye on her.

We visit my MIL in a care home once a week. She has dementia, is 95,and does not recognise my DH, her only son. She tells him he can't be her son because he is far too old!

Could you include her friend in the visit? Take cake or snacks to share with both of them? If having this friend makes her feel safe & secure then it is a good thing. Speak to the staff & ask if she could be included when you visit.

I think Nat's advice is v good could you invite her friend to sit with you all for a cup of tea etc

My mum was the same. She hardly ever sat down with us.
She would sit down for a cup of tea and then she was off again.
My mum was in a care home for 6yrs, she had a visitor everyday so we got used to it she also didn't know us in the end.
Dementia is really hard for family members to deal with, I was heartbroken when my mum had to go into the care home.
Take Care of yourself.

Thank you so much everyone. A treat to share is a good idea. Fingers crossed. Just feel so useless at the mo

My mother has Alzheimer's early moderate stage, is really not interested in seeing me, and makes this plain.

It's all good from my perspective so I've cut down the visits - she is not nearby- and don't stay long when I do go.

Not sure about children though. I don't have any.

I'd just let her get on with it with her friend if I were you and use the time doing nice things with your child instead, and I dunno, try to explain to the child?