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Elderly parents

End of life care for relative

5 replies

The80sweregreat · 19/10/2019 11:19

It's my mother in law of thirty years.

She is 93 and has aspiration pneumonia and been in hospital nearly a week now. She is on iv antibiotics and fluids but that will be withdrawn soon. She hasn't been mobile for six weeks and was in a care home for a few weeks before going into hospital bed bound. her mobility and physical health had been bad for decades ( scoliosis) but mentally she was good for her age. Even yesterday she was talking about things and knew where she was.
We have never got on : she is a narcissist and difficult doesn't really cover it! She gave my dh and his sister a decent childhood but things became bad and she had a bad / difficult marriage for years. All her fault but she didn't ever acknowledge that it was. Lots of reasons why etc.
However, I am upset that's she is now dying : she wants to die and she is old and helpless so why do I feel so bad? Why? My dh is strong even when his dad passed last year he handled it well. He also wanted to die and it was a release.
I can't talk to anyone in real life. Nobody understands how bad she could be ; not violent at all but all mental abuse. She was the most unreasonable person at times.
Nothing was ever good enough.
Anyway has anyone else ever felt this way?
Are my own feelings just guilt?
I am confused.
Thanks for reading

OP posts:
Fortysix · 19/10/2019 13:07

From what you describe I reckon i’d be similar. Lots of feelings swirling around. I’ve definitely experienced an emotion of frustration and sadness that a life could have been lived very differently. It just strengthens a resolve to not follow the same routes.

The80sweregreat · 19/10/2019 13:54

Thank you for your message!
I agree that things could have been different.
Sad that it's not.

OP posts:
The80sweregreat · 20/10/2019 12:42

she wanted to eat a bit yesterday and seemed a bit brighter to me., she was having a few hallucinations, but nothing that bad.

today they said on the phone that that she wasn't stable but had eaten a tiny bit of breakfast and was comfortable. its all a bit odd as the prognosis on friday wasnt that good to be honest, but she is trying to eat a little and drink. the anti biotics have stopped nowa s far as i am aware.
i wasnt really prepared for the roller coaster it seems to be plus we havent spoken to a doctor at all! the care seems good but she is up and down.

OP posts:
MenopausalMrs · 24/11/2019 10:58

Can I ask what happened to your MIL? My DF has the same and all treatment has been removed but he is fighting and holding on - it's horrendous to watch.

WillLokireturn · 26/11/2019 06:28

Grieving a parent ( or family) you deeply dislike or who was abusive is complex grief
Do you think this might be going on:-
You feel bad as part of you isn't sad
It'll be hitting home that you and she have run out of time for her to say sorry or to change and for you to forgive her.
Do you think you might be doing your future self a favour if you can quietly forgive her anyway in your head?

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