Just not sure what to do anymore

[HC4U]

Hello. My Dad is in a Nhome the past few months. He had early stages of dementia but is now getting worse in terms of mobiliy but he is still recognising us thankfully. Mum is much younger than him and openly noted to us she didn't want to mind him so she did everything she could to get him into a home from his initial diagnosis. Long story.

The nHome is 4 hours away from me and I try everyweek if not twice a week to visit my Dad. My Mum lives 2 minutes away by car from the nhome and I am finding it very difficult to visit her when I go to see my Dad. There is a history there with her behaviour and my tolerance of it. Everytime I visit I am upset leaving and it takes its toll on me and my own family. But this weekend when I visited them both, I just thought I cannot do this much longer where I am constantly scoffed at for visiting Dad making the long journey and "isn't he fine, I am looking out for him" and never ever during the week do I get an update on Dad. She would never phone me or let me know if he was unwell which he had been recently and ended up in hospital. She is perfectly able to go on holidays, meet friends, have everyone have sympathy for her, but she treats her children so differently. I have heard today from staff that she isn't visiting everyday like she has told me and also senior staff have started emailing me with things Dad needs etc. I feel very much on my own as my two siblings don't live in the country and they try to visit once a month but would just tolerate her too and just go through the motions with her. I guess what I am saying is I am just finding the whole thing hard with her more so than my poor Dad. I have also discovered she has lied over two very signifance issues with regard to my Dad and I am finding that very difficult to deal with. My other siblings just want nothing to do with her but I am concerned now that maybe she isn't mentally well as you couldn't make up some of her behaviour. But then I switch to her just being not a nice person and has a major issue with her daughter who is trying to keep a family together and be there for both of them. Just not sure what to do anymore. One part of me is just be there and be kind and do what you have to do. Other side feels like having it really out with her and not being a door mat, but unfortunately the consequences of that I amn't able to deal with. So I guess kindness and tolerance is what is needed. I am so aware life is short having a lot going on in my own immediate family and illness and also having mil and fil who both had alzehmiers and who myself and hubby cared for until the very end. So I also wonder do I feel so bad that Dad went into the home without me being able to care for him in my own home. My Mum just would not let us help and that was such an issue. Also now that she isn't visiting all the time and staff emailing me, if I don't keep visiting Dad I won't know whats needed or going on. Its just the guilt too I feel if I am so close to the nHome and I don't visit her. Thanks for listening....................

Notwithstanding what I said above my life shouldn't be about trying to fix theirs is dead right.

First, I'm not sure why you and your siblings are paying for your DDs care. I'm assuming he has a social worker? A financial assessment should have been completed to determine who pays what. If your parents own their home and your dm still lives there, that cannot be used. If they have joint savings, again that cannot be used. If he has a pension, some of that can be used, plus applying for attendance allowance (or whatever it's now called) adds to that.
My MIL is in a home. She has minimal savings and rented her home. Her pension goes directly to the cost, and this is subsidised by the LA. We then top this up by £50 a week, which we agreed to do. Please ensure you're not paying more than necessary.
Regarding your DM. She may have actually had a poor relationship with your father, my father in law was horrendous to his wife for many years, but their children were not really aware of this. So when he died, she was actually relieved.
My DH visits his mum weekly, we do her washing and get her whatever she needs. He doesn't feel guilty that he doesn't go every day, she likes him going but doesn't really know who he is anymore. I'd say cut your visits to weekly at the most, if not fortnightly.
As for his phone, my mil had one that she'd used for years, it then lost the ability to use it. When she did try, she got very angry because it didn't work for her anymore. Getting a new piece of technology probably won't help your DF. He may well not have the capacity anymore to learn how to use it.
Christmas is always going to be tricky. However, the home he is in will make a big deal of the day, so if I were you I'd visit in Christmas Eve, pop in to see your dm too, then spend the day with your family.
What you have to remember is that things are now very different for your DF. His memory will be different, he will be much less aware of things than he used to be. Your dm may well be mourning the loss of her DH!

I don't agree with the comments on "poor decision making". You spend your life compromising because of jobs, children - especially in the 1950s, 60s, when marriage and children happened earlier and chances to travel were much less - retirement is your chance to fulfil some of your own dreams, not to find yourself a town-centre retirement flat close to your family (who in any case may well move in the next 20 years) and start living like a 90 year old. 60s and 70s may seem on the cusp of senility and immobility when you're in your 40s and 50s, but it won't seem like that when you get there (especially if, like me, you are supporting a parent approaching their 100th birthday).
I don't think that's what's being alluded to here Mind.
Poor decision making is when mid 70s, and already told by your doctor that driving days are numbered, you up sticks to move as a couple 40 miles away to 'do your own thing'.... even when your partner has obvious signs of mental deterioration. You buy an unsuitable property with protracted legal issues which you don't have the patience to sort... Then immediately find there are no bus stops or doctors' surgeries or care infra structure .

Reading between the lines, I think OP would be very happy if her DM made a self-contained life for herself, staying in the marital home in the town four hours away from OP and her family. The issue appears to be that OP's DM is continuing to make stressful emotional demands of OP even though OP is working and has a young family. From the descriptions I think the DM will only be in her early 70s, so obviously still young.

Hi all,

Thank you again. As I read all messages and my own again, yes the issue is now more Mum than my dad. He is being so well looked after that it is probably bothering her even more. She is on her own, she has pushed her family away. She is not getting the visitors every day like he is, she is not getting attention. She has always wanted to be the centre of attention. She makes no effort, only to bring us down and is very unhappy herself. I cannot fix her and she is probably grieving in her own way about Dad as indeed I know we all are. He is oblivious to our emotions because of his illness. She however isn't or so I think but she still chooses to hurt instead of love. A very good friend of mine who is a doctor actually noted that she is blaming me for her unhappiness and her life was not the same as my life in her eyes. She was definitely unhappy in her marriage and the last few years when Dad was ill she made it very clear he wasn't the man she really wanted to marry but did and now that he was losing his mind she didn't want to mind him at home. Hence the rushed nursing home decision. Also to note we pay as its a private nursing home and she wouldn't be able to afford it without us.
Regardless of all the examples I could give, my intention here was to get some advise, which I have and I very much appreciate. I have tryed to make everything ok with my parents and support my Mum as she is on her own at the cost in some way to my own family. So I do need to establish a new normal and be there if needed or when needed and in the mean time stay kind but mentally healthy. Thats all I can do and hope for........... starting today. Thank you again!

HI all, I popped back into these discussion boards again the past few days and reread posts. Of course nearly a year later I am still dealing with issues around my parents. My Dad has slipped in health quite severely and now no longer recognises me and with COVID I am the only one visiting him with a wave through the window. His nhome have a Webx system set up so other family members can call video call him, but it scares him if truth were told. Its very difficult watching the demise of someone you love. Covid too has really had an effect on residents in terms of even holding their hands etc. Thats a post in itself unfortunately. My Mum is still causing me upset and stress but I am getting better at handling it, I think, although popping back in here again tells me I am not really. I haven't called her this week as I just had enough last week of her behaviour and I of course am feeling guilty but I just wanted to have a week for the first time in my life literally without engaging and feel crap when I do. Isn't it funny how your mind works? My husband keeps telling me I was as well ringing her everyday if I cannot not ring her and not stop thinking of it. So once I master that I actually think that will be progress. I think its this time of year too when your struggling with family issues, it always kick starts emotions. Take care everyone.