Help me feel better about myself please

[Hydrogenbeatsoxygen]

This is really about DH and his relationship with his elderly DF. Their relationship has been difficult for years. They don’t get on, mainly because the DF treats my DH like shit. Over the years the DF has tried very hard to get me to join ranks with him in being horrible to my DH and I’ve always refused. I haven’t seen DFIL for two years now but DH has been to see him regularly out of duty. Even these short visits often end up with my DH being upset. The golden side of the family think my DH and probably me as well, are unpleasant characters who don’t do anywhere enough for DFIL. DIFL has isolated himself. He has no friends, no neighbours on speaking terms and we are the only near family. His health is deteriorating and I honestly think he’s not safe at home on his own. He won’t listen to any sensible suggestions from DH.

DFIL was admitted to hospital with confusion and leg ulcers, just before we came to Italy for our yearly extended holiday. The golden side were very unpleasant to us, saying we should cancel our holiday etc. I did consider whether we should and I felt really unsure if we were doing the right thing still going away. My DH was adamant that we go. He was so looking forward to it and we’d paid for it. I received some unpleasant texts from the golden side but I replied trying to explain, then I blocked them.

Fast forward. We are away and DFIL has kicked off on the ward, I’m not surprised because he is an unpleasant individual. However they are saying he is having psychotic episodes and they are going to transfer him to a mental health hospital.

I cried yesterday, as I feel sorry for him even though he’s impossible. I asked DH if we should return home but he said he didn’t want to.

I feel I must support my DH. It’s his father, not mine. Nonetheless I feel guilty about us being away.

I think that’s everything. Please be gentle with me. I feel fragile.

You being away may actually help him get services as there isn't family care to rely on. Being in a facility, means his immediate needs are being taken care of and none of this is your fault. He's lucky his son still speaks to him at all.

Your FIL needs proper medical treatment. Even if his relationship with your D

DH was better there wouldn't be a lot you could do

Thank you for the replies. Yes it’s a good point about him getting the help he needs whilst we’re away. And really, what could we do, other than visit him?

PPs are absolutely right. It would be very convenient for the golden side of the family if your DH stepped in to organise your DFIL's care etc - because then they would not have to get involved. Well done to you and your DH for resisting the pressure. Enjoy your holiday. The whole business of elderly parents is fraught with difficulty and guilt but IMO people should put their own immediate family (themselves, their own DCs and partner) first - always.

Why aren't the other members of the family there advocating for your FIL? Whilst you are away, they can stand up and do the 'right thing.'
As others say, he is getting the appropriate care whilst you are away.
You and your husband obviously really need a break, I have worked in health care, there are many times that family members are away, and people rarely cancel their holidays when things happen.
Stay and recharge your batteries, and return with increased strength.

Even when the relationships are good ones it just seems like you have to abandon the elderly person in a hospital when things deteriorate and refuse to do anything before they can get any significant help. Otherwise the family will be fobbed off

Thanks everyone. The golden side don’t live close, with one lot about an hour and a half away and the others three hours. If DH ever mentioned to his DF that perhaps they could do something, he was always met with the same response. “Don’t start that again, don’t you realise they are busy people”.

Just recently, one of them came up and started issuing orders to me and DH. She told us to strip DFIL’s bed and get everything washed and ready for his return home. We didn’t do it, and I thought afterwards why didn’t she take his sheets and wash them?

Over the years I think the golden side have been brainwashed into thinking DH is an idiot who needs ordering around.

The golden team sound as if they are waiting for DFIL's will to be read and estate to be picked over. obviously that's what they are saving themselves for...
You are absolutely doing the right thing. Stay put and let the system kick in. DFiL is safe and his needs are met. A mental health unit might sound a daunting option but actually it can be really helpful and encouraging. Don't be scared by its label. It's likely they will have a higher ratio of staff and even more likely they will put him on medication.
But very proud of you for refusing to change sheets and blocking.. Those were absolutely the right responses so even though you are upset you had the clarity to rise above their rudeness and avoidance of helping.

They are nearer than you. Please don't be blackmailed into coming home.

This is likely to be a marathon not a sprint.

Pace yourself.

Thanks so much you lovely Mumsnetters. Your responses are helping me no end.

Agree with what other wise posters have said. The rest of the family are treating you like serfs, which only serves to emphasise their guilt at not doing more. It doesn't sound like DFiL will be allowed home so you all need to have a mature conversation about what that could mean.

Thanks everyone for the wise words.

I happily went on holiday when my mum was in hospital because I knew she was safe there, unlike at home!

I wouldn't be returning for someone so unpleasant either!

Thank you. 💐

My mum ended up in hospital while I was away. I was worried about going as she had a few falls beforehand. When she ended up in hospital after a fall and I knew she was going to be ok I totally relaxed for the rest of my holiday as I knew she was safe and being well looked after. Fortunately I had family who helped. I really needed the break.