In cancer denial

[LindaLa]

This is about a very close friends parents (they helped raise me when my mum died).

Both are early 70s, dm has Parkinson's and is slowly getting worse and df had heart attack and bypass surgery a month ago.

Whilst he was in hospital they found cancer. Lungs and bowel.

He is refusing to listen. Keeps saying they need to do more test and I'll keep refusing to let them.

His notes say "advanced cancer - refused treatment."

He won't listen to anyone.

I know I can't smack sense into him but how can I help my friend and her mum?

She will and we will be facilitating this but it does have to be after he has gone.

He will not have "help", when dm became unable to cook or clean he took over. They can only use two rooms and ready meals.

He won't even let my friend cook for them or even fill the fridge.

@RosaWaiting
We'll never know unless he tries.

OP - do you mean you won't know if he can enjoy more time unless he tries?

he might already know, IYSWIM. What have the doctors said? Have they given any indication of what his max quality of life could be?

@RosaWaiting

Apologies, yes that was a reply to your comment of is he in a position to enjoy time.

Drs are willing to give him painkillers but he won't take them, he says he doesn't trust them to knock him out and do tests anyway.,,
There is no talking to him.

All we can do now is try to protect his wife from being made carer.

Thanks for listening, I'm just ranting really.

Drs are willing to give him painkillers but he won't take them, he says he doesn't trust them to knock him out and do tests anyway.,,
There is no talking to him

That really is extreme self-sabotage. I think you're wise to concentrate on his wife and on damage limitation.
It seems to be a man thing when this stuff happens. And it's tough on everyone.

My dad refused to let the doctors tell him that he had cancer. He allowed them to talk to my mum separately though, and they broke the news to her instead, telling her that they'd given him every chance to ask what was wrong with him, but he'd persistently avoided doing so, and they had to respect that. However, he did allow himself to be treated 'for a prostate problem'. He lived for years longer than expected (it had already spread when he was diagnosed), but even as he lay on his deathbed at home, with visits from Marie Curie and Macmillan nurses, the C word never crossed his lips nor those of any of us family and friends. It was weird.
But his consultant said that his sheer determination not to acknowledge that it was happening might actually have contributed to him doing much better than expected.

It's really hard. I cared for people who didn't want me to do anything and were really really stubborn over it. If you can get a decent carer in the door then often they can get somewhere once they're trusted
I used to get around it a bit by saying well I have to stay here for 20 mins, can I have a brew? You having one? And then make a cup of tea and I've made a mess, best wipe the sides and wash up anyway
What you having for tea tonight? Oh I'll just get it out ready and put the oven on. I basically used to do things so fast they didn't have chance to argue and I'm as stubborn as they come so it worked out well
I think I spent 10 weeks trying to persuade someone to shower because she was terrified of falling or being seen undressed. I had a flannel over my eyes at one point

It's incredibly hard especially when they're stubborn and independent!

He keeps telling everyone ... he needs to get home as he is a carer for his wife! Can you work on this at all, and persuade him his wife is being well looked after? I suspect not, from your later posts.

@MereDintofPandiculation
No. He will not accept how ill he is of how much help they need.

However, it's all awful now.

He discharged himself.
We had asked for a SW/OT referral before he left but hospital can't enforce this.

Looks like we have to harass them ourselves- again...
They are struggling and I am sorely tempted to take my friend and her mum away for a few days to see if he'd realise he needs help but am also scared of returning to a dead body.