Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Elderly parents

Bereaved mother doesn't know what to do with herself...

20 replies

Anonymum40 · 01/09/2019 18:35

My dad died in May this year. Initially my mum coped OK but just recently she's not coping so well as the reality is kicking in. She's very lonely and thinks she wants to move into sheltered accommodation.

We have taken her to see a huge range of different flats/ rooms and bungalows in the area. Initially she has seemed keen about a few but then her confidence wains and she's back to wanting to see more... She says none of them are 'ideal' but we've lost track of what that even is. Each one has had a reason for being unsuitable in her eyes. For example, one was 'too remote', so we got another that was in easy walk of a town, but that was 'too posh' etc etc. We've tried a checklist approach so she can evaluate them but common sense seems to have nothing to do with it.

Really the problem is I don't think she's ready. I've tried to get her grief counselling through the hospice where dad died but there's a 2 month wait. She is getting increasingly needy and driving my sister and I a bit mad. We are finding it very difficult trying to help her when she's so negative and won't help herself. She's also trying to convince herself staying in the family home might work, but she has few friends and little community and would expect us to carry on the present level of babysitting and it's all getting too much. My sister and I have to get on with our lives/ work/ family commitments too...

Anyone been through this? Any advice gratefully received...

OP posts:
TemporaryPermanent · 01/09/2019 18:42

My goodness this sounds so hard. I agree she doesnt sound ready to move, its a huge decision to make such s tiny sliver of time into widowhood. Could you/she pay for counselling, perhaos twice a week?

I would focus on trying to improve her loneliness. If you and your sister can commit to one or two weekly visits each, thats a great start. Forget the move, focus on doing nice things or spending tome together, or doing any pastimes you like that she might enjoy too. Then put the word out among anyone you can think of. The vicar, friends, local clubs or organisations. Might she enjoy the WI, tennis, bridge, book club?

TemporaryPermanent · 01/09/2019 18:44

Just to say i was widowed myself 18 months ago and i was involved in moving my mother when she really had ither issues :(

Northernlurker · 01/09/2019 18:46

You need to stop rushing her. It's too soon for counselling and it's too soon for moving house.

You and your sister have the building blocks of your daily life intact, it's much easier to keep going. Your mum has to do a complete rebuild. It's going to take a year or more to stabilise. That's the timescale to think about. She was ok at first because she was in shock.

I think all you can do is set boundaries to what you can do - so you say you will be over to see her at x and you will take her out at y and then stick to that. Liaise with your sister so you spread the contacts out as much as possible. Encourage her to see the friends she has and if she expresses interest in anything encourage it, whatever it is!

Raphael34 · 01/09/2019 18:46

Why is she wanting to move? Is she lonely? I don’t think leaving her home right now is a good idea. She’s perhaps enjoying all the attention off her family so is intentionally dragging this process out to spend time with you?

Seeline · 01/09/2019 18:47

How old is she and is she in good health?

Does she have any hobbies or interests?
Could she join a fitness class or do a course at an adult education centre - these don't have to be too social if she doesn't want to be.
A choir
Volunteer in a charity shop or in a school listening to children read.

Timandra · 01/09/2019 18:47

My dad died in March. Caring for him was a full time job and I was worried my mum would be lonely and bored.

I know this sounds trite but I got her a kitten in June. She now has company and something to care for. They're inseperable. I know nothing can replace my dad and she's still grieving of course but the kitten has definitely improved her quality of life.

IamMadameX · 01/09/2019 19:41

Age UK has a befriending service, a volunteer with either visit or telephone her weekly. If she's lonely this may help her, waiting time depends on the area and less likely to be waiting if she wants a telephone befriender

Or there's day centres, exercise glasses etc

cottagecheeze · 01/09/2019 23:01

OP I am in exactly the same boat although it's a year for my mother. I'm so exhausted with it, I'm a 9 hour round trip away and am having to constantly travel down to babysit. I feel like a complete cow for saying this but I resent it all so much. She's really alienated my sibling with the (understandable but still exhausting) neediness. Like yours she keeps saying that she needs to do xyz (move, go out to groups etc) but isn't prepared to follow through - it's just too early yet I guess. But I really sympathise, it's such hard going and she has no idea of the impact on the rest of us. I've just had to bite my tongue a lot, and go down less than she wants but what's manageable without taking too much of a toll on my health + my own family. I'm so worried and guilty and frustrated at the same time, it's awful Flowers

TemporaryPermanent · 01/09/2019 23:25

It may be too soon for full on psychotherapy or achieving big goals in counselling, but it's surely not too soon for bereavement support. I found it helpful from extremely early on.

Anonymum40 · 02/09/2019 09:38

Thank you to everyone for your advice, I appreciate it.

It's made me realise that we are expecting too much too soon. Having read a book about widowhood, my mum admits that she knows she's in the dithery, not sure what to do stage.

But she's become very difficult to be around, between being obtuse and outright spiteful sometimes. She didn't want to buy my son a birthday present saying he didn't buy her one (he did)... stuff like that... Also the avoidance techniques and excuses for not doing things are getting annoying. Getting anywhere usually involves having to get a taxi as she doesn't drive and she resents paying for it - but she is a pretty wealthy woman since my dad's death, she can afford all sorts of things. Then she says we won't inherit anything - which we don't care about!

Argh, still we will carry on. I've just agreed to have her stay over one night a week at our house. My sister is out of work at the moment and has taken her all over the place on days out and even on holiday with her. So we're doing our best. U3A classes start up again after the summer so hopefully she'll join a few of those. And I've found a private bereavement counsellor near her so maybe we can convince her to speak to her. Tough times...

OP posts:
TemporaryPermanent · 02/09/2019 16:57

I would emotionally blackmail her about the counsellor. If she refuses, burst into tears, shout, say how worried you are about her. Let out some of your own stress and grief.

Likewise, would she respond to having a taxi account paid by direct debit?? Then she doesnt feel the agony of paying the cash. Provided you dont think she will end up running up a bill of thousands.

cottagecheeze · 02/09/2019 20:03

Wow Anonymum do we have the same mother?!

I think my mum has really valued bereavement counselling, I would get her to go, as someone who "really understands". Mother has also made the effort to go to a few meetup things, and the distraction and something to look forward to is incredibly important. But when we were suggesting them 3 months in she became quite angry, and it does sound like you might be expecting a little bit much too soon. I would leave it; she will probably dread christmas but once it's out of the way it might seem like a more natural time for a new start?

It sounds like your sister is doing a lot taking her out etc, but she may risk your mother becoming overly dependent on her (and you) for support. It sounds like you've been great for her, but at some point she has to learn to cope and you have to look after yourself too.

May I ask what the book was, please?

RosaWaiting · 02/09/2019 20:39

I wouldn’t hassle anyone into counselling

My sister and I did have some issues and had to tell mum when she was bringing us down. She took it on board. But none of us wanted counselling, I know one PP says to hassle her to go, but I think the bereaved have enough to deal with without being hassled into something they don’t want to do.

SoupDragon · 03/09/2019 08:59

I would emotionally blackmail her about the counsellor.

WTF?! It's been less than 4 months. Most likely she doesn't need a counsellor she needs time. I spent 6 months driving 1.5 hours to do my mum's shopping every week and it is exhausting. I would never have tried to bully her into doing something she didn't want to!

She moved to one of those retirement properties which is like an apartment building with a restaurant and communal space. She had family there already and it has been such a relief. It's in a town and she can get to the supermarket, chemist and GP independently. She also has a cleaner for about an hour a week which is included in the service charge. It's been wonderful so far.

What8Surpr1se8 · 03/09/2019 17:37

I'm sorry for you loss
Your DM needs time
It is far too soon to make any major changes like moving house
If she is eligible, apply for a free bus pass
She is fortunate to have friends & family who live close to help her & visit
Maybe plan some things so that she has something to look forward to like Xmas, birthday
Does she have any hobbies ?
Get a cleaner or gardener if she isn't ready to join any clubs

What8Surpr1se8 · 03/09/2019 17:41

I'm going to add that a few months is no time at all
Some people hate being on their own
You can't make her happy, you can only help
Things should get better

RosaWaiting · 03/09/2019 17:45

“She is fortunate to have friends & family who live close to help her & visit”

I interpreted the OP as the mum has very few friends and her family can’t cope, understandably.

I realise everyone is different, but the idea of expecting my mother to look forward to something a mere four months into widowhood would have been unthinkable.

Walnutwhipster · 03/09/2019 17:52

How old is she and is she well?

Windygate · 03/09/2019 18:02

For a split second I thought you were my sister! If you'd said last May I would have been convinced. Give it a full year and then revisit moving etc.
18 months in DSis and I are on our knees with exhaustion.

Wexone · 03/09/2019 18:16

Hi As someone who lost my father in law in very tragic circunstances last year, we were advised not to make any big changes in the 1st year of bereavement. She was living alone in a big 5 bedroom house and we worried about her to. But once the 1st year was done and we had experinced the 1st of everything ie xmas, birthdays she has settled in and now doens't wnat to move at all. She has here routine. The 1st year is exhausting as you are trying to deal with your grief aswell, it affects everyone in differnt ways. Take time on everything and make sure everyone gets the right couselling to dela with their gref, This helps in a big way.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page