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Elderly parents

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Original poster

Elderly mother in law

17 replies

DeeWeek · 26/08/2019 18:36

Help
My 86 year old mother in law is currently visiting for a week and she is the worst conversation hijacker I have ever witnessed. I have started counting in seconds how quickly she will turn a conversation between two other family members to herself - quickest 5 seconds what can I do? If she was a friend I would say something and risk upsetting her but she had been doing this for years and gets away with it because of her age. Her 3 sons just let her get a way with it. I try to understand that she lives on her own so to be in someone’s company for a few days she needs to talk but on the other hand I am teaching my granddaughter to respect and listen to others - would welcome any ideas on how to cope with her or how to survive her annual visit

OP posts:

FinallyHere · 26/08/2019 19:01

Could she be struggling to hear? DM became a bit like this and I was sorry that we only discovered why years later

She could not hear so needed to know what we were talking about, so turned everything to something she knew about.

MereDintofPandiculation · 27/08/2019 07:36

Your granddaughter isn't going to have the good habits you instil overturned by an annual visit. So don't worry about her, just worry about how you survive the week.

(If your granddaughter is old enough you can even use MIL as a living example of why it's good to respect and listen to others.)

Ilikewinter · 27/08/2019 07:52

My MIL is like this, after many years Ive perfected the ability to watch tv / stare out of a window / think about other stuff whilst smiling , the occasional nod of the head and making the odd "umm" noise.

My DH doesnt challenge her about it either, hes had to deal with it for 50 years so now so its just the norm, quite sad though because she knows nothing about our lives but I know everything about hers and everyone who lives on street 😥

user1493494961 · 29/08/2019 10:56

Why are you worrying, it's an annual visit for a week.

Original poster

DeeWeek · 29/08/2019 16:42

Yes you are right it’s only a week but I am not worrying about it, simply looking for other people’s coping techniques in the same situation, as I’m not doing very well.
In the last few days I have not been able to have one conversation with another person where she doesn’t interrupt and swing the conversation around to her. Then we have climate change and brexit where she is so opinionated she really will not listen to any other view. Today she has announced that she wants the death penalty introduced into the U.K. knowing I do a lot of work for Amnesty int - perhaps she is simply trying to wind me up

OP posts:

stayathomer · 29/08/2019 16:47

Does she have anyone to talk to at home? Dm doesn't and she dies everything you describe but I just think I talk to dh every day and vent my opinions at him but she can't do that so they all build up and we hear them all!

missyB1 · 29/08/2019 16:53

Yea my Mil is the same but she’s has definitely got worse with age (85 now), I think she’s getting pretty deaf too. It’s irritating I know but we also only see her once a year (she lives the other side of the world), so we suck it up.
It’s odd because my own mum got more tolerant and more laid back as she aged, whereas Mil has got more opinionated, bossy and angry.

Jesaminecollins · 29/08/2019 16:56

One day you will be old - I have a lot of time for the elderly because they are on borrowed time and if they want to talk a load of rubbish to me about the good old days I just let them because life is too short isn't it?

Raphael34 · 29/08/2019 17:00

I feel a little sorry for her. She sounds lonely and is likely getting a little carried away. It must be annoying but I’d just grit my teeth for a week. And you can’t rely on everyone else around you to constantly be on their best behaviour so as not to influence your children. You need to teach them manners despite some other people not having any

campion · 29/08/2019 17:07

You grit your teeth and put up with it, as you would with any other person staying with you once a year.

Realistically, her annual visits are not going to go on for too many years so try to appreciate her now, annoyances and all. Why not get her to talk to your granddaughter about her own childhood - children are often surprised that 'old' people were once children!

Aquamarine1029 · 29/08/2019 17:19

She's 86 and it's just a week. I think you can deal with it.

Original poster

DeeWeek · 29/08/2019 17:23

I really do understand what you are all saying and I really do try to understand her
I am gritting my teeth believe you me. I just thought that others may have a few coping techniques that I had not tried

OP posts:

Aquamarine1029 · 29/08/2019 17:27

I would make myself busy with household tasks, cooking, errands, whatever, to create some space and leave your husband to entertain her.

Original poster

DeeWeek · 29/08/2019 18:48

Perhaps that’s where I’m going wrong
I got every thing done so I could be with her for the week I think I need to create a few jobs and get some space

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RosaWaiting · 30/08/2019 13:23

I would just try to tune her out tbh

I would also avoid any opportunities for controversial discussion, though that can be difficult. My late father used to say "WHY don't you want to discuss xyz" and I would simply say "it's boring". I think he knew I was lying but didn't like discussing it with someone who was aggressive. However, it's hard for them to push it when you say you want to talk about something else.

I think setting aside as much time as possible to actually converse with her was a bad idea.

dad and I used to talk about his old work - he loved it and used to keep reading the relevant magazines. I would just pick a couple of articles and let him waffle on and then agree.

it's a huge pain, I'm sorry.

MereDintofPandiculation · 31/08/2019 10:42

Coping techniques - lots of little games - you've already discovered the "how many seconds till the hijack?" Try "bingo" with set phrases that she uses frequently, our count how many times she uses a particular device like "er" or "you know what I mean?". Try to have "conversations" when you're doing something else - peeling potatoes, inspecting house plants for bugs and dead leaves, sewing - so you only have half your brain on the conversation.

But basically try to convert your annoyance to amusement. The only person annoyance is hurting is you - it's not going to change her.

And don't worry about your daughter. Just explain at an appropriate time that "Granny likes to talk about herself and her world because she doesn't have many people in her life that she can tell her news to. But you can see how difficult it is when you feel that she's not interested in what you'd like to say".

WillLokireturn · 01/09/2019 18:52

She's 86 , you're not going to change her habits now. Best to get busy with jobs and turn a deaf ear, when she annoys you on this annual visit. She is who she is, her sons know that and have worked out a way to humour her.
It needn't affect your DD. DD has you to redirect her and help her learn to listen all the other times.

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