Depression in the elderly

[tobee]

My mum and dad are in their mid 80s. I'm very glad they are living independently and together. However, they both have physical problems. Both have hearing loss (and hearing aids that they use to a certain extent) and my mum has mobility issues. They both have no obvious signs of dementia thankfully.

My sister and I have speculated recently that they might be depressed. And I wondered if anyone here has any experience of depressed elderly relatives? I thought of googling articles about depression in the elderly but wanted more than just generic advice.

I don't know if this sounds odd but neither of them had parents that got to this age so I think they have limited experience of this era of life. They have friends of similar ages but I worry that sometimes that they might just endlessly talk about ailments etc and misery loves company iyswim!

Are you worried about anything particular in their behaviour? It would help to know in what way the depression manifests itself. Quite a few medications could be generally slowing them down and making them less focused. Less of a social life will also make them turn in on themselves.

what makes you think they are depressed?

my mum is 80. she and her friends talk endlessly about this kind of thing and don't find it depressing.

I have depression and anxiety generally and I'm perky central, so I just wonder why you think they might be depressed. I wouldn't see their conversational topics as an indicator.

DM spoke endlessly about ailments, going to the doctors etc, MIL does the same, iirc my DGPs also did, I don’t think they were depressed though.

What symptoms do they have?

My elderly mother is depressed but she won't accept it.

Thanks for all the replies!

My sister first alerted me to them possibly being depressed. It's difficult to tell with my mum because she's always been a bit of a pessimist but not depressive. She's the sort of person who spent her life working where she helped people, social work and counselling. Her best "confide in everything" and have philosophical debates with friend died a couple of years ago. I think she misses being busy; her ailments get in the way.

My dad used to be very much the strong personality who liked to introduce you to/teach you about things etc. He biffed his car recently and lost his confidence with driving and other things. Is anxious now when never was before.

They used to go on holiday a lot, go to galleries and concerts etc. Now they find it really hard. So I feel they have nothing to look forward to except worrying about each other.

Since they could feasibly live for another 10 to 15 years or so, I don't know how to help them emotionally. Practical help is easier. I don't want to patronise them. I suppose it strikes me as depression bought on by anxiety.

They also have pride and probably won't ask for help.

I wondered if anyone could recommend a book or something on the subject?

Thanks for all the replies!

My sister first alerted me to them possibly being depressed. It's difficult to tell with my mum because she's always been a bit of a pessimist but not depressive. She's the sort of person who spent her life working where she helped people, social work and counselling. Her best "confide in everything" and have philosophical debates with friend died a couple of years ago. I think she misses being busy; her ailments get in the way.

My dad used to be very much the strong personality who liked to introduce you to/teach you about things etc. He biffed his car recently and lost his confidence with driving and other things. Is anxious now when never was before.

They used to go on holiday a lot, go to galleries and concerts etc. Now they find it really hard. So I feel they have nothing to look forward to except worrying about each other.

Since they could feasibly live for another 10 to 15 years or so, I don't know how to help them emotionally. Practical help is easier. I don't want to patronise them. I suppose it strikes me as depression bought on by anxiety.

They also have pride and probably won't ask for help.

I wondered if anyone could recommend a book or something on the subject?

You sound very caring. As you say it is difficult to help without hurting their pride or treating them like children. I think that asking about their health is a good thing because they quite often just like an acknowledgement of their difficulties. If you can find out if anything is worrying them you may have a starting point. It could be the fear of nursing home in the future, being separated, needing strangers to help them in their home. If there are any worries, practical suggestions and reassurance is all you can do really.

I think one of the hardest things for the older generation is the role reversal. They are not longer the care and advice givers. Accepting help is a massive step.

Thank you for your wise words @FLOrenze .

Could you take them on a short break away, or find one that is suitable for them? It would give them something to look forward to.

I'm in a similar position with both my parents and my PILs. All are mid to late 80s with a range of ailments, some potentially very serious. For my parents, my DM is the most frail, as long term type 1 diabetes is really taking its toll. Her mobility is severely impacted now and she has a range of other less serious, but often painful conditions that make her quite depressed. My DDad is generally pretty good albeit with underlying heart issues. He does get anxious though. He is effectively the carer in the relationship and copes brilliantly until my DM gets depressed and that then brings him down too. My PILs have different health conditions but the carer/dependent roles are reversed. It's made harder in that both are 3 plus hours drive away from us, and at least as far again from each other. I find it very hard to know what effective help and support I can offer, other than an occasional listening ear to my father on the phone and trying to get up to see them from time to time. I have two DDs, both later teens but the elder with MH and ASD issues, and I work full time, so it is quite challenging. Not sure what the point of this post is other than to say I share your pain!

Thank you for your replies. I feel like this is a topic that has only recently been talked about. People seem to expect old people to be physically frail, but not mentally. I dare say it's only elderly people of that generation, and not much before who have started to feel comfortable with the idea of mental health issues. As mental health used to be even more stigmatised.

It would give them something to look forward to. One of the ways I recognise my depression is back is when the prospect of a short break away leaves me thinking "another problem to sort".

My dm mentioned something about wanting to go to the somewhere by the sea, so I'll ask her a bit more about that!