How to support my mum who I disagree with re full time care for my gran?

[Maria53]

My gran was diagnosed with vascular dementia 5 years ago. I've been living abroad but she still knows who I am thankfully. She's now doubly incontinent and has carers coming in 3 times a day. After 2 infections recently she has delirium and screamed and screamed tonight when the carers tried to put her to bed. She is also now living in the living room as she refuses to climb the stairs to bed.

My mum has not physically been into work in almost 2 weeks, working from home all the time. I never see her (I am home visiting from abroad for the summer) because she spends all her time at my gran's house staying most nights. The house is a complete tip, even when I try to help I cant keep on top of it alone and find it stressful. She is effectively giving up her life to care for my gran. I've told her I disagree with this but she refuses to put her into a home as they are 'horrible places'. But she is barely coping, snapping at me and every few months has a fainting spell when stress gets too much.

How can I offer support when I am so against the role she is taking on? I see my gran twice a week and help in the house but find it quite hard (seeing her like that).

I think you can only do what you can to help at home. Be supportive of your mum. She may eventually change her mind about your gran's care but it is ultimately her decision. You can share your view and offer help in looking at suitable nursing homes but you should respect her decision.

I agree it is her decision. But my entire life she takes on too many stresses which affect me and the family (like alcoholism). She had cut down but last night I came home and she was slashed and alone. Clearly not coping.

She is meant to go on hol with friends this weekend but is talking about cancelling. I am trying to encourage her to go.

She asked for my opinion tonight and when I gave it re a home may be the best option she got angry and said 'well I'm not going to just dump her' as if that is what I was suggesting!

It’s her mum, so if she wants to keep her at home with carers the you just have to go with her wishes for now.

I’m almost certain she will soon be changing her mind though.
If normally there’s only herself and carers looking after your gran, then eventually it will get too much.

My fil was the same, his wive had him at home in the beginning
Eventually it got from
Herself and sitters (whilst she had break)
Day centre 2 week
Day centre as much as she could
Carers morning evening
Then he got worse as years passed
Incontinent/hoist in separate bedroom
She got depressed and couldn’t cope anymore

She looked at care homes nhs ones
I must say, there’s NO way I would of like to have been put in one
She could off easily put money to his care in private home but didn’t

She chose to spend what money he had on his 10k funeral for show

I can still remember the way they were left to sit in a chair for hours, left with a cup of tea/cake when he couldn’t even put anything to his mouth!
I hated it, but it was his wife her wishes

She should ask for a carers assessment for herself and if gran is getting worse the carers should ask for her to be re assessed. They are both vulnerable and your mum will make herself ill. There might come a point when her employer steps in or her g.p. what reason has she given for not going into work.

www.carersuk.org/help-and-advice

www.ageuk.org.uk/information-advice/care/helping-a-loved-one/

A day or so after I posted this my gran was taken into hospital. My mum had phoned me in floods of tears, unable to cope and my gran has been there for almost 3 weeks now.

When I saw her a week 1 1/2 weeks ago before my holiday she seemed ok and was chatting and laughing etc. Today I was shocked at how tired and listless she was. Slept most of the time but she did eat quite a bit of dinner when it came.

They are talking about releasing her soon but care package cooks take 7-10 days. My mum is now intent on single level living and planning to buy special hospital style bed etc with 2 carers coming in. She is also doubly incontinent. I don't see how she can feasibly be left alone and the thought of it makes me quite uncomfortable. But what can I do but go along with helping re the plan?

Maybe go see a couple of care homes for yourself and see if you can speak to people who have had relatives there or read some reviews. Some care homes are great, others not. Good advice I had was to look for low staff turnover. If you see a nice one in your region for a reasonable pay, then maybe invite your mum to have a look. I wonder whether age UK might have advice related to worries about relative moving to care home.