Bright ideas neede re birthday party

[MereDintofPandiculation]

DH has a significant birthday in a few weeks time; normally we would get together as a family (DF, DH, me, DCs) for a "birthday tea". I think we've thought through the options, but wondered if anyone else had bright ideas.

DF is now in a nursing home with restricted mobility, a bit confused but not demented - I don't think he can manage steps - he couldn't before he went in and his mobility hasn't improved.

We could hold a celebration at the home, but DS2 is adamant that we should bring DF out for the day. He (DS) can only manage the Friday evening.

Option 1 - at our house. Flight of steps back and front - front is easier, main flight 3 steps. DS thinks he and brother could carry DF in wheelchair up steps. DH suggests getting hold of ramp - space available means it would be steep and we'd need possibly need a safety rope to ensure no slipping backwards.

Option 2 - at DFs old house - only 1 step. But tiny room hard to accommodate us, no cooking facilities, it'd need to be a take-away, it'd be hard to decorate and get a festive atmosphere (we had my birthday there and it was dismal - ranks only just above the one I spent in departures at Faro airport).

Option 3 - find an accessible restaurant - no way on a Friday night!

Are there any other options we haven't thought of? Or any bright ideas to make dreary surroundings more celebratory?

"We could hold a celebration at the home, but DS2 is adamant that we should bring DF out for the day"

the first thing I'm going to say is - do you and DH want to do this? DS2 can be as adamant as he likes but what do others want?

I wouldn't advise taking your DF back to his home in your situation. In fact I'd say having a wee celebration at the home is the best option all round.

or a restaurant - but if there's no accessible ones nearby then I realise that's a no go.

how many of you will there be? There's a local church here with small rooms for hire, would that sort of thing appeal at all?

If you have a few weeks, I'd try ringing around and booking a restaurant I think.

Also you could ask at the home about the steps. He might be able to manage, in which case your house is probably the best.

I presume your Dad is settled in the nursing home now? Maybe he has made some friends there? So I'd hold the celebration at the home.

Trying to get him in and out of your home in a wheelchair sounds risky to me, and taking him back to his own former home could be unsettling for him.

I don't know how old your DS2 is, but I doubt that he is thinking this through properly, and he is being unrealistic. Perhaps your DH is too, with the idea of a ramp that might be like trying to get a wheelchair up and down Everest.

I don't mean to be too blunt there, so sorry if it seems that way. Everyone clearly means well, but being realistic is important too.

A local restaurant is maybe a possibility if you can get your Dad there with his wheelchair in the car. You would have to ensure though that it does have facilities like accessible toilet. Some still have the toilets up or down steep stairs that I have seen round here, so would be unsuitable.

Visit first.

How would DF manage to the toilet in your house, is there a downstairs loo?

I would ask the home if they have an area you can use privately for the birthday tea, when my gran was in a home they had a few lounges that they would let families do this in rather than use the resident's bedroom.

I can understand DS not wanting to go to the home as they can be horrible places for children, my chn (when 7 and 4) didn't like visiting my gran as other residents scared them, not intentionally of course just because of how they were.

Bringing DF out could make him agitated, I think your DS has his best interests at heart, getting him out of that place for a few hours as a nice thing but sometimes that is worse for the resident. Does your DF go out for visits at other times?

I agree that it would be better to see if the home had a room you could use for a little celebration if you're unable to find an accessible restaurant. DS can be as adamant as he likes! DF's place sounds unsuitable and yours sounds like an accident waiting to happen (and potentially very undignified for your DF).

To answer a few questions - there'll be 6 of us (so hiring a function room is OTT). DS2 is 30 and physically very fit. It's not that he doesn't want to go to the home (he visits regularly), it's that he wants a nice outing for DF. Restaurant is not an option as they'll all be very busy on a Friday night, and DF would be better in a private room. Our house does have a downstairs toilet.

I think I'll talk to DF. Don't think he'll be upset going back to his house - he was only there 12 years, it's not his family home, and in any case he wants to visit to dig out some stuff (my main fear is he'll spend the celebration asking people to find this from the bedroom and that from the roof...) DF has been out of the home, but only to the dentist. DF's church has rooms to hire but they're huge.

DH says he doesn't want his birthday at the nursing home, and I very much sympathise with that. Indeed, although we had a celebration there earlier this year, it might not be possible when we need it as they're having some alterations done.

Could you go to the home and have a small tea with DF then you, DH & DCs have another celebration without DF, that way DF is part of the birthdsy but the rest of you get to do something else as well?

Could you go to the home and have a small tea with DF possibly, but with the building works I'm not sure this is an option.

I second the thought that the toilet is the first thing to sort out. Downstairs is lovely. You say DF is nearly immobile. Is Df expected to walk to the toilet, turn around, drop clothes, sit, get up again (bars), pull up trousers, wash, get out? Or are you needed to go in and sort him out. I’ve been there. Watch the nursing home staff and see what happens and how it is done. It all needs to be safe.

Then think about access, then catering.

Taking the very frail out for a jolly can turn into a very scary event. Practicality is needed here. And, too, if you have a little do at the nursing home, some of the decorations can be left there to brighten up DF’s bed or dining room for a few days.

I can sort the toileting, I've done it often enough (like pretty well every time I visit).

We can't get 6 of us into DF's room, and I don't think the spare lounge is going to be available because of the renovations. So I think we are going to have to get him out.

I personally would separate the two events. Have something for dh on the day, as it is his birthday and his FIL is not really essential to the celebrations. Then organise a different day when ds2 is free too and take your DF out for afternoon tea to a cafe with an accessible downstairs toilet. Less pressure to make the evening about DH but also focus on DF.

I agree with Brockmans - have a separate tea so DH gets to relax on his actual birthday.

Having to have it in the evening is a problem. For DMs birthday (she is 90) afternoon tea on a Saturday at the golf club worked. They found a private space, and arranged the sandwiches and scones nicely and allowed us to bring in a special birthday cake. Golf clubs presumably have to accessible for golf trolleys so no problem with wheelchairs. Garden centre cafes are also normally a good one. And presumably other sports clubs. If you know someone who is a member at a local cricket, hockey etc club with a bar/food and scope to hire a room.

Carrying a wheelchair up stairs is a very bad idea. Don't even consider it.

I don't suppose you are near Todmorden are you? The Hare and Hounds has a ground floor room you can book for free.

Yes, the evening is a nuisance. DS2 and his partner are both working and leading busy lives outside work. DS2 has just moved jobs so has only limited annual leave at the moment. The day we've found isn't DH's actual birthday, just reasonably close to it. I've asked them if there's any other day they can manage which isn't a Friday night.

This won't be the only celebration for DH - he and I will do something on our own. But I understand why he wants something to remember with pleasure even for this secondary celebration. On the other hand, none of us wants to leave DF out of a family celebration.

I really should have started planning this earlier!

I'm now exploring local places with small private rooms. I've asked on our local FB group saying I needed it for 6-8 people, and people have been heaping me with all the usual big function rooms in the area (which I could have found by googling anyway) - but there have been a couple of useful suggestions that I hadn't thought of.

I'm going to ask DF how he feels about lending his house. Getting him into ours would be so much easier - easier to do the food, nicer venue, no need to take crockery. Ah well.

While I understand the impulse to 'take GF out for the celebration' when our loved ones get so frail it might be wise to think again about what might be managed within the home.

Finally Yes, I appreciate - but the timing is such that there is unlikely to be a room available at the home. It's not a large one, it has two lounges fully used by residents, and a third about to undergo conversion to an office and meeting room. So I don't think that's going to be possible.

Does the care home have a garden? Could you have a kind of picnic and borrow someone's pop up gazebo for the garden?

Does the care home have a garden? If only! I had thought of having it in our garden, but the steps issue would remain for access to the loo.

It's not a bad idea actually - there's an area outside the front, and one wouldn't be in the way of other residents because they don't have access. Thanks.

Meanwhile, he wants to get into his house to find various things that I've been unable to find for him. So we're thinking of doing that as a "dry run".