My parents' friend causing upset and making things more difficult

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Hi, I've posted here before about my folks and got some fantastic information and advice - hoping someone can help again.

My dad has Alzheimer's and is cared for at home by mum who is also getting on. One sibling lives an hour away and two of us live a distance away. My nearest sib goes over weekly/every 2 weeks. It's a lot for mum but she wants to keep doing it and has been very resistant to allowing us to arrange help. However since I last posted we have managed to get them accepting a weekly session from a respite carer company which is great, and we think going well, allowing mum a short break. We're hoping to build this up so they are doing more hours, as mum will accept. They have a lot of friends and neighbours around who pop in and I'm in touch with 2 of them who keep me updated if there's any issues - there's not been anything major.

My Dad is under the older adults team at the local hospital and my siblings and I liaise with them via email and meet when we can. The last feedback from them was that my Dad is not needing full-time care, and that they are continuing to try to encourage them to accept support such as groups for my dad etc.

The thing that I'm finding very difficult at the moment is that one on my Dad's old friends (they were GPs together in the town) is every so often emailing us with emails titled things like 'crisis point?!', because he's visited and seen that dad is more confused etc. He's putting a lot of pressure on us, clearly feeling we should be doing more - not sure what we could do against their wishes though . nor would we want to go against their wishes.

He then messages our relatives and they then message us in a panic, saying we should be doing more etc. I've now got him messaging us directly as he was previously only messaging the older relatives.

The latest episode was this morning - a mutual friend had seen my dad out walking on his own (mum usually goes with him now) and messaged this ex GP friend, who went over to their house and by that time my dad had made his way home. He was talking confusedly but was otherwise ok.

That was when this friend messaged me and my siblings 'SOMETHING MUST BE DONE'. He got onto my aunt who began texting my closer sibling telling him he had to go over immediately. He's gone over to find that everything's OK. My aunt has also messaged: 'Thanks for staying til Monday', when this was never mentioned and mum may not really want that!

So I emailed the friend and thanked him fort he info - told him my brother was going over to check, and filled him in about dad being monitored by the older adults team and that we are in touch with them - we will ask someone to drop in and check on them and we've passed on his concerns to them. Also that we will meet with them ASAP.

The bit that's really upset me is his reply - 'Good to know the 'Team' are involved. They need to do something to support your mum and dad. No doubt your mum struggles to prevent him going off on missions'.

We've told him before we're working with these professionals, but he obviously doesn't agree with their assessment about not needing FT care. But It's not up to him! You'd never know he was a family friend the way he speaks to us. And what's with putting 'team' in inverted commas?

I want to reply in a way that isn't going to make things worse - he is someone who can be a support to them locally after all - although his visits do seem to stress them out. But I could really do without him speaking to us like that. I want to ask him to speak to us with a bit of compassion and respect and remind him we're doing our best but that's probably not the best way.

Anyone got any good ideas?

Also as a side issue my aunt has been boxing up and taking my dad's beloved maps, because once when she visited 'they were a mess'. My dad loves his maps - and they are his! I asked her to bring them back when I found out but she didn't reply. Don't understand the lack of respect they have for them and us.

My experience of this is that these type of people keep bloody interfering and I wouldn't keep appeasing him to be honest. Tell him you are finding his interference unhelpful and bordering on harassment. That under the Mental Capacity Act your parents cannot be compelled to do what they don't want to do and, as a former GP, he must be aware of this. That you are doing your best in the circumstances and, while you are happy for him to visit them as a friend, you do not appreciate him telling you what you should be doing in the circumstances.

Can I ask, just how helpful is this guy really?

Is he really someone who would help in a crisis?

If he is, then I would give short answers etc. But some people give the impression they will help when they are just interfering.

I would definitely keep saying you are following medical advice.

The aunt and the maps, that’s totally unacceptable and I would have no hesitation in saying so.

I’d tell him to butt out and I’d tell
Aunt to stop stealing your DFs things.
I would also make sure all valuables are accounted for and safe.

Give aunt a deadline/ultimatum - she doesn’t get to take their things. Tbh with ‘friend’ I would either say frankly that he’s being unhelpful or start sending one word replies and leave it as long as you can to reply without leaving so long he starts interfering more. Ie ‘thanks, under control’

I had this with a friend of my parents. Kept emailing me about my dad being nicer to my mum and I have to do blah blah blah. My mum’s a nightmare! Friend had no idea but had decided it was my job to fix my parents relationship. Sigh.

What BigSexyCrimeUnit said.

You are doing everything you can.

Bollocks to him (and to your older relatives) telling you that you should be doing more. That just adds to your stress at a difficult time, and helps nobody.

I would tell him that he's actually being the opposite of helpful. It sounds as though he offers no positive suggestions, let alone practical assistance. All he does is criticise the situation. Who needs that? He is panicking your other relatives unnecessarily and giving you extra problems to deal with.

Or you could always ask him if he'd like to take over responsibility for the situation, if he feels it's not being handled correctly?!

As a social worker who regularly works with older adults with dementia I found myself inwardly groaning at the detail in your post OP.

We call them the 'helpful' friends (the inverted commas are deliberate).

Best way to respond to them is every time say 'thanks for keeping an eye out, your concerns have been noted and passed to the professionals involved, will let you know if the situation changes'.

Also don't read too much into the inverted commas, (theirs not mine) I've learnt that certain generations from certain social demographics use them in a different way to how we use them now. Although it comes across as very passive aggressive he genuinely may just be referring to the 'team'.

Try and find some humour in it, refer to him elsewhere as 'helpful' Bob etc. He means no harm even though he is immensely irritating.

Wow thanks everyone for all the helpful replies - that's a big help. I feel better that the reply I gave 'helpful friend' yesterday was probably ok, and am a bit more confident we're handing things ok, and how to continue from here. Very interesting insights hatgirl esp about the inverted commas! Thanks everyone

I'm really glad you've had some supportive posts and that that's made you feel better. In my experience there are a lot of people who can be very judgemental about how relatives deal with someone with dementia. You read posts on here all the time about it where relatives are condemned for not doing enough and people blithely post about what they would do and how they would 'make' people go to the doctors or accept carers etc. They are usually from people who have no real idea what it is like to actually deal with someone who is ill but who either will not admit this or who won't co-operate with you trying to help them.

As for your aunt, I would tell her in no uncertain terms that if she doesn't return your father's maps you will consider what she has done as stealing. I would also say that she is not to take anything from your parents' house without your mother's permission.