90 year old MIL

[reytmardy]

Lives a 40 minute drive away. By bus it is 90 mins. Struggle to do basic household tasks and we do a those as she refused to get a local cleaner or carer

Constantly complaining she doesn't see anyone. We go both on Saturday and Sunday, as well as ferrying DC to activities. She also has a day out on Tuesday to get hair done etc. Now asking us to find her a house near us. She wants a totally unsuitable terraced house with steep stairs. Also lots of noisy student houses on same streets.
We found her a lovely flat in one of the best aread, close to shops and too far from us. It was a no.
I have a DC, 13, with SEN and DH works full time. Finding this frustrating.

She's setting you up for more care...then probably full time.
If you don't want to or cannot then really assisted living or a care home is probably more suitable.
Or at least the flat with carer and cleaner

It's going to have to be a stern yet loving conversation I guess. It must be hard realising you are older and need help....but at the same time she needs to understand your limits on what you are willing to commit

Thankyou Surf, good advice

she refused to get a local cleaner or carer

So she wants to live near you, and you can do everything. I've been there and it doesn't get any better.

At 90 and not coping, lonely and wanting things done (but her way) I'd agree with the PP - you need to keep your nerve and stay strong . Otherwise your whole world will end up revolving around her and her needs and wants.

A firm conversation needs to be had, and the end result should be that she goes to live in an assisted living facility, or in that nice flat you found, with carers coming in . Your DH needs to be the main one to talk to her - this is HIS mother and he shouldn't be able to wiggle out of the hard conversations. Good luck !

I would agree with the other posters here. She wants to move to your area. Along with this she expects you to mind her.

You need to explain to your husband that your not willing or able to become his mother's full time career. You need to tell him she needs to move into a flat with a career and cleaner or assisted living if she is moving to your area.
He needs to have this conversation with his mother. It's not your job to do this.
Your not been mean in saying this but you have to think of your 13 Sen child and your life as a family.

Carers and cleaners give her someone else to talk to. Spreads the load. It's hard to be the only social outlet that a person has.

Find out why she doesn't want a flat. My father turned down a lovely house in a quiet residential area, close to shops and railway station. It was because it had no front garden, and reminded him of the slums in his youth during the Great Depression.