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Elderly parents

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Original poster

Should we push MIL to move near us?

19 replies

SophyStantonLacy · 07/07/2019 07:39

MIL lives about 8 hours away from us - she retired to the area she lives in when DH went to uni, it’s not that he’s moved away from the family home. We used to live 3 hours away from her, but after living overseas for 2 years have settled in a new area of the UK. FIL died 2 years ago so it’s just her.

MIL is in her late 70s & coping okay on her own, she has a good social life where she is but says she feels lonely at weekends.

OP posts:

Original poster

SophyStantonLacy · 07/07/2019 07:42

Whoops! Pressed send to soon.

We have raised the topic of her moving nearer to us or SIL and she’s open to it but concerned about it too. The nature of her character is that we would have to make it all happen - she wouldn’t take control of a move. We can’t decide whether it is better to move her now, when she could still get out & about to make new friends, or to wait it out till she can no longer drive etc & really needs to be closer to us, and move her then. Any experiences of a similar dilemma?

OP posts:

Pipandmum · 07/07/2019 07:47

I’d be cautious. She’s doing well and socialising. Is it going to be easy for her to make new friends near you? Are you happy for her to become very integrated into your lives? If you both work how will she fill her days if her friends now all live 8 hours away? Is she asking to move closer? Are you thinking that she will eventually move in with you? She will probably be one more dependant. Does she have other children? Will moving closer to you mean moving further from them? Does she enjoy her grandkids? A lot to consider!

MustardScreams · 07/07/2019 07:48

A similar situation with my grandad. When my grandmother died he was living 5 hours away, but had a very good friends support system.

He eventually moved 20 mins down the road from my parents who organised everything from house sale, to purchase of new house, and he is much, much happier here. He’s mid-80’s but still incredibly active (holidays solo 6 times a year!!) but that added security of the majority of the family near by just in case has lifted a weigh off of his shoulders.

If your MIL is in agreement then I would say go for it. Especially if you have a good relationship already. It does make life a lot easier to be able to pop in every couple of days for company and just to check all is ok. It’s probably easier when she is able to get out to connect with people and make friendships in the community.

Original poster

SophyStantonLacy · 07/07/2019 07:50

She has DH & my SIL, being near us would mean she’s 3hrs from her daughter. In some ways being near SIL would be a better fit for her but SIL is less settled than us & more likely to move away again. We have 3 kids, SIL has 2. She doesn’t enjoy small grandchildren much but likes rational ones. She’s just SO far away & is beginning to find the long train journey down to visit a struggle, so the onus on us is to go up to see her, but 8hrs is a really long drive to squeeze into annual leave etc. It’s tricky!

OP posts:

Maykid · 07/07/2019 07:54

We suggested that mother in law moved in just up the road when a nice bungalow became vacant. It worked so well and meant caring for her when she later became frail was easy. But, she never imposed or pushed herself onto us. That was important.

Digestive28 · 07/07/2019 07:57

Do it now whilst she is active, can develop new friendships, join groups etc. We moved my parents closer and so much easier to pop in for ten mins once or twice a week then intrude on whole weekend and means DCs can do regular activities at the weekend as we are still here.
Be warned though...emptying a house takes a lot and having sorted through someone else’s loft I now keep almost nothing!

Windygate · 07/07/2019 08:12

If MIL moves to nearer to you is DH going to expect you to be her carer or will he step up?

itsallafiddle · 07/07/2019 08:42

Do you have any sheltered housing apartments near you? The one my MIL lives in has a lovely communal lounge and gardens so is a good start for making new friends. They all have self contained apartments so it's not like a nursing home, the age range is anything from 60+.

ineedaholidaynow · 07/07/2019 08:48

itsallafiddle that’s what we did with my DM when my DF died. She has made a nice group of friends but has maintained her independence.

Weepingwillows12 · 07/07/2019 08:52

I second finding sheltered accommodation near you. The one my grandma was in was great. Very sociable, lots of excursions and activities, hairdresser came to the lounge once a week and you could pop in. She stayed independent for ages. Weekends got quieter but then you would be there.

But she has to choose that. Making her move when she's not sure won't work.

MereDintofPandiculation · 07/07/2019 12:54

My dad moved closer at 83. By that time he was feeling his old house wasn't practical, and friends were beginning to die off. When he moved, he immediately got involved in local community campaign groups and started volunteering for the local historical society. If he hadn't been able to do this, then it would have been a huge burden on us meeting all his social needs.

Original poster

SophyStantonLacy · 08/07/2019 09:09

I wish MIL would agree to move into sheltered accommodation - there is no chance she would! But an obvious solution, if only.

OP posts:

ineedaholidaynow · 08/07/2019 09:15

What are her objections to it OP? My DM had a wobble just before moving in, but loves it now. There are some people she doesn’t get on with but that would be the same anywhere.

Not all sheltered accommodation is the same.

saraclara · 08/07/2019 09:16

My mum chose to move seven hours away from us, when she was in her mid seventies. Less than a year later she had a massive stroke. It was huge problem to deal with from here. She spent a few months in a long term hospital, but when it was clear that she would need full care in a nursing home, we had to bring her back to the area where she used to live (near my brother). That she has never forgiven us is another matter!

But yes, should your MIL start to need support, it's going to be very difficult to arrange from 8 hours away.

Original poster

SophyStantonLacy · 08/07/2019 10:17

hmm, I will see if I can send DH to have a look at some sheltered accommodation near us as if we could find something she liked it would be ideal. Her objections would be about living in a newer style flat (likes period properties), not having lots of room (moved 3 years ago from hamlet to town because of FIL health, but still bought another 4 bed home!), and about having to socialise with other people!

OP posts:

Original poster

SophyStantonLacy · 08/07/2019 10:47

This is my fear @saraclara, when FIL became unwell MIL was able to look after him (20 year ago difference), & we were only 3 hours away at that point so went up every month to see them etc. I imagine it will be very different when MIL gets to that point & we are so far away.

OP posts:

fiftiesmum · 08/07/2019 13:14

MIL moved very close to us a few years back at great encouragement from SIL (and other siblings). She was fairly fit and healthy at the time and SIL (and others would visit). Once MIL became frail DH and I (and our adult children) were left to do all the work and the inevitable house sale and all it entails when she moved into a care home. Only one of the siblings visits and only rarely and we have to praise him when he does (despite not working and living less than ten miles away).
So if OP is seriously considering having MIL nearby then think carefully about the future and if you want to have the all the caring responsibilities and DH's siblings will do their part

ineedaholidaynow · 08/07/2019 13:38

Some flats are larger than others.

There are a couple of developments near us that aren’t the old style retirement flats. They are modern buildings but quite a few of them are houses which are like normal houses but have the facilities to enable them to be adapted easily when a person needs get greater eg living in the downstairs rooms. One of the developments also has communal facilities eg restaurant, bar, tennis courts. It’s more a child free development for the over 60s. Obviously these are more expensive.

Even in the old style flats you don’t have to socialise if you don’t want to. Your flat is fully contained. Some of them have communal laundries but I think they are moving away from that. Although DM seems to spend quite a bit of time in the laundry at her flats catching up on all the gossip! They do organise social events but again you don’t have to join in.

MereDintofPandiculation · 09/07/2019 11:11

Her objections would be about living in a newer style flat (likes period properties), not having lots of room (moved 3 years ago from hamlet to town because of FIL health, but still bought another 4 bed home!), and about having to socialise with other people! Rather than looking for sheltered accommodation, which she doesn't sound quite ready for, you could see if she'd move nearer to you in a larger house, which chosen and adapted for later life, and which would allow eventually for a live-in carer if necessary.

If she's late 70s, she could still have another 10-15 years of being able to cope in her own home.

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