What to do next.....

[OverFedStanley]

86 year old DM has lived alone for 30 years after being widowed.

Health is ok but gets very tired, no energy, has recently started Anitdepressants for low mood and anxiety. She has got according to medics Mild cognitive impairment .

To outsiders she lives in an immaculate house and keeps up a good appearance of coping. In reality she forgets how to do things eg use the microwave, the ability to put in her hearing aids . I am not sure if she showers regularly although she can do it on her own. She is becoming overwhelmed by "everything she has to do" eg make meals shop etc.

I have been worried about her and since January she has daily carers sometimes 2 hours a day or 1 hour a day. To check she is ok whilst I am at work.

We are getting a lot of panicky phone calls re not being able to do things and these are getting more frequent. What worries me know is that she has forgotten how to phone me and I am concerned there are more instances of here being stressed than she is letting on. During these periods she is unable to do basic tasks - dr does know about these as does a community nurse who visits but has now discharged Mum.

What is the next step. We have looked at care homes and she at times seems too competent to need this care but then on other occasions she needs support at all times of the day and night. She does not want to go to a care home but also realises she needs some more help.

The carers have helped but also bring other issues in that she wants to direct what they do but also finds this hard to manage - if I set tasks etc she does not agree with what I think needs doing!

I need a handbook for this - children and toddlers were a breeze compared to elderly parents

@OverFedStanley

It sounds like her dementia is progressing now so she can't realistically be on her own any longer.

I would have a look at The Lady magazine and phone some of the carers who advertise in there. It costs about £100 a day for live-in care.

Also, press for another Memory Clinic appointment so that you get a diagnosis and know what you're dealing with. If your mother is becoming overwhelmed with daily living activities and you suspect she isn't showering/remembering how to phone you, then this is going to get worse.

Sorry - that post doesn't sound very helpful. What I meant was that you need to be one step ahead of the deteriorations in her cognitive abilities.

People with dementia are usually far more impaired than we imagine they are. Seeing a Memory Clinic specialist will give you more perspective on what she can and can't do.

I was a specialist dementia care nurse for years. You could ring your local big hospital and ask them to get their dementia care nurse to phone you for advice.

Whilst it's good for elderly people to have pendants and cords to pull, they generally forget to use them in an emergency when dementia is in the picture.

PeoniesarePink I wish we had moved Mum earlier to a set up like your Dad. I think now the move would be too much and she would find learning a new flat too overwhelming. I think if she had been settled in when she had more cognitive ability she would be able to stay there longer than she can in her own home. I am glad your Dad is enjoying it and as we say in our family being a happy grumbler - that used to be my Mums hobby

Jemima232 Thank you your post both were very useful and has confirmed my fears that things will not get better but will progress - it is good to hear it from a professional.

We used to say "if" something happens but now we know it is "when" and I want her to be safe and supported when it does and as you say be one step ahead of her needs.

I agree about the pendants they seem a great idea if you have all your cognitive ability without that they as useless. Although I am getting used to my night time dashes to her house when she presses it by mistake but not when she needs to.

Thanks again

Sorry about my rubbish typing - my excuse is I am on my phone with my wrong glasses...........