Stroke, elderly MiL. What to expect?

[Cismyfatarse1]

My very lovely, very independent 85 year old MiL had a stroke a few days ago.

She has had dizzy spells and been checked out but it came out of the blue. We had got her a panic button which she was not wearing so ended up crawling to the phone and to let the ambulance in.

Right side of her brain so her left side is not working. She was treated very quickly which, we are told, helps but she is in HD ward and has very high needs. Tube fed. Hoist / pads for toilet.

She is quite OK mentally. Cross, not depressed. She has always been a bit forgetful and is a total technophobe so much of modern life bewilders her.

She will be moved to rehab this week. It is quite far from friends etc but is the best place, it seems.

In an added complication we live 5 hours away (Scotland) but are in the process of moving. I have a new job close to her and DH (only surviving child) has a portable job. Our 2 children are at / off to University.

Our house is sold and we have been house hunting within about 10 miles of where she lives.

DH is adamant he won't have her to live with us, even in a separate annexe. I am more open to this but she was very, very cruel to me for the first 10 years of our marriage (we now know she was being treated badly by her husband and rather took it out on me) so DH is protecting me. Plus my new job is very senior (to me) and will require a big workload at least to start with.

Her existing house is ideal. Bungalow already set up for her now deceased evil husband. In a suburban area.

I suppose I just want some advice really.

Experience of rehab? Does it work? Can she get back to 100% (she was very fit, walked a lot but a bit dotty)?

Should I encourage DH to at least look at houses with annexes? Or is he right to keep her a few miles away? He does NOT want to care for her and she would hate that too.

Anyway, if no one answers I will just counter away to myself here.

I think you are right to keep her a few miles away, in the long run you have to prioritise your own mental and physical health

She has been very fortunate. The speed with which she is being transferred to rehab suggests her stroke was at the less severe end of the scale.

And I recognise the cross, not depressed stage! Getting out of hospital is the best thing as they’re very depressing places.

It’s obviously impossible to say how her recovery might progress. It is unlikely she will get back to 100 of herself - that is the nature of stroke damage. But if she leaves rehab able to walk (perhaps with a stick) and to perform day to day tasks (perhaps with some help from visiting carers for a while) I’d say she’s much better off returning to her own home. It’s likely that arrangements will be made for minor adaptations, such as handrails, to help her. She needs to keep her brain active - and independence demands that. She needs to maintain her social life and other activities as far as possible. Otherwise her world will shrink and she’ll lose confidence in herself.

It’s a long road - I should just watch and wait for now. See how she gets through the next two or three months.

She’s 85. Realistically is she living at home again or are you looking for residential care?

Realistically, if she's living in an annexe she'll more than likely need care. So your husband will have to take on that role, unwillingly. Which will put a huge strain on your relationship.

It's hard.
REALLY fucking hard.

She may gain back some independence, but if she's incontinent and requiring hoisting then who knows if she'll regain that back. She also has age against her. And a lot of stroke patients have more strokes.

Looking after someone with high dependency needs gave me a nervous breakdown. I resented him for needing looking after and when he went into a nursing home it was a weight lifted off my shoulders and I became his family member again and not just his carer.

I think your husband is realistic and asking him to become carer when he doesn't want to will only make things worse.

Having said all that, that's just my experience and opinion. I'm sorry that has happened to your MIL, she has a long road of recovery ahead of her and I hope she manages to regain as much independence as possible. Good luck

It’s so variable how people recover from strokes, it’s difficult to predict. If she was relatively fit beforehand her prognosis may be better though. She needs to be encouraged to be as independent as possible (insofar as the rehab staff feel comfortable) the more active she is now the better. Also if memeory serves after stroke you should be getting at least 45 minutes of rehab therapy a day, it’s worth checking how much she is receiving as early input can make a massive difference. The fact she’s going to a rehab unit bodes well

Thanks very much everyone. I really appreciate the help, and support. Plus the words of wisdom.

We saw her yesterday and DH felt she had made quite dramatic improvements. She can lift the arm and leg on the affected side, but not weight bear or use her hand. She is talking normally and was complaining of boredom. She seems to be making rapid progress which is excellent.

DH is right. It would be too much. We were also looking at houses while down there and have picked one about 30 minutes away from her (and my new job - so a bit of a commute) that we both love. It is also ideal if she wants to visit (flat access etc) but much smaller than our current house so no space for her to stay if the teenagers are home.

And I think she is determined to have her old life back. We have had to cancel a holiday she was booked to go on and we are gently telling her that UK based might be the only thing she can get travel insurance for, going forward. DH takes her away quite a lot already so he has been waxing lyrical about all the lovely day trips they can go on. He is also keen to let her "show him" the area as he is moving back there after a long time away.