Mother trouble

[Daftdogname]

My mum lives near me ( she and my dad moved abroad when I was pregnant with 1st child ) I have 3 kids 1 with( really!) complex health needs one with autism and epilepsy. My dad died she stayed abroad for a few years then she came back lives near me I work full time ( nurse ) so does my husband ( shifts) we have always found it hard coping with medical emergencies around work etc etc. I have siblings as does my husband but none of them had kids so we’ve been on our own. I have never had a good relationship with my mum and my childhood memories are of my mum and dad drunk downstairs deciding which child they preferred! But there she is living nearby expecting me to go round as do my siblings cos she’s near me. I hate it, everything she says to me has an accusatory tone to it ( even if it’s benign ) and asks my medical advice but if I start to give an opinion that she won’t like her eyes become really wide and scary. She has nothing to say to me and I have nothing to say to her but as kids my brothers and sisters and I brought ourselves up and have a bond. And because they don’t have families of their own they love the reminiscing so want it all to be happy families but I’m permanently knackered in a way they will never understand and frankly think my mum has never been there for me and we don’t have a relationship at all ( so not even one that needs repairing ) and yet I still have guilt about all of this! Anyway else dealing with anything similar ? TIA

It sounds very difficult, what do you see as your options here?

I have decided I can only go round there when someone else is there! i.e when my sister goes which is maybe every other week. I have text her to ask if it’s ok ( she finds it difficult too so drags her partner round ! ) no reply as yet. I suspect one of my other siblings thinks I am mean and that as a female it’s my responsibility to look after her but I don’t want to get into conflict life is hard enough as it is. Thank you for your reply I really appreciate it.😀

That sounds like a good plan and I think it's important to have firm boundaries and decide what you can and can't do, please don't engage with people who think that you are mean or that it's your job because you're female.
In my view your first duty is to yourself ...you must keep yourself mentally and physically healthy,so you need enough rest and recreation to recharge properly, and of course you have a duty towards your own children.
After that is there even anything left, do you really have any spare capacity?

I know it's hard when you're stressed and overloaded but you can probably find a way to step back and disengage without having open conflicts with people?

Yes you are right. I grew up in a house where there was a lot of conflict so hate it. I won’t fall out with my siblings over this and avoid being around them when alcohol is involved! Thanks for all your advice.

Unfortunately I think there may be stereotypical expectations by your mother and siblings that (a) you’re a nurse so you’ll be the one to ask about medical things and (b) that you’re a daughter, you will “look after” your mother. Could she have presumed that and is why she is now living near you?

A family discussion about expectations of your mother and siblings may be needed so that don’t just assume you’ll be taking on this role towards your mother. They need to be put straight about the demands of your time with your children, husband, home and your own job.

In an ideal world that would be the best solution but I did host such a meeting at my house but one of my brothers was so nasty to my sister that it took me a long time to forgive him and the other one lost it completely and walked out!

Just because she's your mother doesn't mean you have an obligation to her...

She never made the effort to help when you really needed her both as a child and an adult.

You reap what you sow most of the time!

but one of my brothers was so nasty to my sister
sounds like a distraction technique....he sabotages the meeting to avoid having to have a discussion where it might be pointed out that he ought to do his fair share here

problem is if you are all sensible and organised and they just act like people who cant behave like adults cooperate and organise themselves it's too easy for them to frame you as the person who should do the work

Yes one of my brothers is tricky to say the least. I love my sister and my other brother dearly. Realistically my mum will need to go into a residential home soon. All of my siblings go round to see her with their partners so I think it’s difficult for all of us. My kids are great and that is where my energy goes. Thanks for all taking the time to respond. It has really helped. 😀

I hope everything works out for you @Daftdogname 😊👍

we have always found it hard coping with medical emergencies around work etc etc.

What kind of medical emergencies? If my mum (elderly, very frail, housebound) can't get in contact with us she knows to call 111 who will advise and get emergency help if required (out of hours GP home visit, ambulance). She had paramedics out last week checking her over as she felt breathless, dizzy and anxious.

If she calls and is worried about something and I can't go over (in work and can't leave, at a kids party, dh working and have to pick up ds, I did the last mercy dash etc) I'll tell her to try one of my siblings and if they can't come to call 111.

She does go through periods when her health deteriorates or gets serious (lymphoma returns) and it needs extra effort from us to attend more appointments/visits in hospital for a while and we sort out fair share with my siblings (apart from one who doesn't want to get involved), but when she is at home we don't let her get dependant on relying on us entirely or she would have one of us there 24/7.

General appointments at gp or hospital/dentists/opticians etc she is told to organise and go herself and it is explained as we all work FT have families we can't afford annual leave for routine appointments and she needs to accept that (she has plenty of money for a taxi to these appointments door to door, uses the local firm who know her and they make sure she gets in the door ok). We found making her organise it herself has given her a bit more confidence do it.

No I mean medical emergencies with my eldest as she has complex medical problems and needs to go to hospital a lot and have other children one with learning disability and autism and epilepsy so when my eldest is ill it’s very complicated for my husband and I work wise ! Thank you all for your advice, have been brave enough to talk to some siblings now and feel less guilty.