New to this.....Parkinson's

[TheOrigRightsofwomen]

Both my parents are dead.
My ex's parents live close by and are divorced.
MIL has remarried and FIL lives alone.
They are estranged from their son (my ex).
They have a daughter who lives about 2hrs away.

FIL has Parkinson's. It took a while to get a diagnosis by which time it wasn't really a surprise to anyone, but of course sad to have it confirmed. He is becoming increasingly frail and also forgetful and vague.

We try and see a lot of FIL; he is lonely and struggling to manage in the old family home (which he is trying to sell). I am mostly happy for him to come to my house as he is happy to sit and watch telly or chat while I get on with stuff.

I'm just here for some support really as I'm struggling to be patient.

I am a single parent working full time from home.

FIL arrived earlier to collect his phone that he left here the other day.
I am just having to get on with my work, which he doesn't understand as he keeps interrupting me to ask me things (make phone calls, make coffee, just chat, ask me if I want to go to the pub for lunch).

It's not happened much so I don't need to put anything in place, but it's difficult.

That's it really.

really decent of you to help him out

I can completely see why it's difficult. Tbh a lot of people don't seem to understand working from home when they don't have Parkinson's!

is his daughter doing anything to help?

Sorry to hear about this. My late mother had Parkinson's. It was about 16 years between diagnosis and death. But it's different for everyone.

Like I do with everyone, I suggest your FIL sorts out Lasting Power of Attorney in Health and Welfare while he still can. Otherwise, later on down the line, the family will not be the decision maker for his care - the State will be. That includes the local Council's Social Services and the local NHS CCG. Neither necessarily have his 'Best Interests' at heart, and indeed if you hear them use that term, I'd watch it if I were you.

Otherwise, wear and tear may get him. Watch out for undiagnosed urinary tract infections which bring on what looks like dementia but in fact can be cured with a dose of antibiotics. Also get a bone scan density test, because otherwise a simple trip can lead to a fracture and that is no good at all. So check for osteoporosis.

These are my main initial bits of advice.

Have I got this right, you have unwittingly become a carer for your ex husband's father?

Thank you all for taking the time to reply.

His daughter has been helping with the house sale; talking to solicitors etc. We are going to talk today about Power of Attorney (thank you for raising that taxis). It's not really my place to take the lead in this so I hope his daughter will do so.

On a practical level she's just too far away to help day to day.

Whosorry You're sort of right in that he is my ex's father. It's all quite unusual in that I am closer to ex's family than ex is (it was an abusive marriage). When I was still married ex stood in the way of me and our sons seeing his parents (DS2 - age 10, didn't even know who is grandmother was even though she lives 10 miles away). Since he left we've been able to rekindle that relationship and it's really lovely.

I wouldn't say I have become his carer, as it's all still quite new. I am glad that FIL feels comfortable with me and maybe feels able to talk to me about his difficulties in a way he can't with direct family, as I'm that one step away.

I would be concerned that you have bitten off more than you can chew here, I'm sure he's a lovely man but he will be very focused on his own illness and will not take into account the extent to which he is disrupting your life and you already seem to be at near full capacity as a working single parent?

Also, watch out for trip hazards around the home.

And encourage him to drink a lot daily, indeed if you visit it should be 'pour a cup of tea time' and watch him drink it.

One of those Zimmers with wheels and breaks on will help with agility and movement. Fluid intake and step movement are both imperative when dealing with Parkinson's.

But I suppose these are things you can mention to your sister, and perhaps it can be arranged for someone to pay the odd visit, like a local helper, just to tide things over. Otherwise, you become the only one helping out.

And make no mistake You will be the only one helping out, seeing you step forward everyone else concerned will take several large steps backwards

It's so sad to see this strong, active, funny, intelligent man decline.

He does still have a good relationship with his ex wife (my MIL) - she has already taken in his lovely dog and is also helping with the house sale and some appointments. But I'm also a bit worried about her health - she's very forgetful.

I will keep an eye on things. My older son (20) has said exactly what you are saying - that I can't become his full time carer.

My younger son is 10 so when DS1 is away at Uni it's just me and little one (he sees his Dad pretty much when there's a z in the month) so I am actually pretty restricted.

I agree it's very sad to see him to decline, but because you are the only one who has stepped up to help you are now by default his primary carer, he will take you down with him, as he declines so will you

Whosorry it sounds like you have been through a difficult time being a carer. I have no reason to think that the rest of FIL's family and friends won't be there for him.