Help! Mother is losing her short term memory and is worsening daily.

[flamingnoravera]

My mum for whom I have LPA for medical (not yet invoked but registered) and financial matters (invoked) has been suffering with short term memory loss which has significantly worsened in the past two weeks.

A few months ago she decided that it would be better for her and her husband (not my father and I cannot stand the man) to move into a semi sheltered block of flats - a good idea in principle but in fact it has caused no end of problems. Her short term memory is now almost none existent and last week her husband was rushed to hospital with a suspected TIA (but was an infection) he was returned home on Friday with daily care coming in. My mum tried to insist that she could care for him. She clearly cannot. He has epilepsy and cannot walk unaided.

Today the carers for him were so concerned about my mum that they called 999 - I only know this because my mums sister lives in the same block of flats. No-one from the health services called me to tell me. She was attended by paramedics who assessed her for a TIA at home and decided she was Ok and did not need to be in hospital- her doctor also attended.

I think the time has come for her husband's family to accept that she cannot look after their father any longer. She can barely look after herself but she does not accept this. She was told today not to drive and this has been the only thing she can remember of the day.

I live an hour's drive away, and I work and I am an only child. I am at a loss to know what I need to do for the best. I am going to see her tomorrow and will do some financial stuff and some legal stuff with her. We have never got on which does not help but compassion is kicking in because she is so clearly losing it.

It is all too overwhelming at the moment. I dont know what to do for the best. Anyone with any wise words?

This all sounds awful. Are social services involved? Could you contact them with your concerns?
Good luck.

And 🌺🌺🌺🌺

My first task tomorrow is get social services involved- probably for both of them. And to calm down and get a better sense of what's needed.

My aunt says my mum needs to be in "a home" but mum can manage daily tasks- but she is leaning on her sister who has her own problems (her husband 80 has cancer and is probably terminal) so the health services and mum can't keep relying on her to provide me with information.

Flowers much appreciated

Good, getting social services involved is a good first step.

If it is a sudden worsening of memory, has she been checked for a UTI or other infection? This can cause short term memory loss, confusion and delirium, while not necessarily giving any other symptoms.

When you see SS, let them know you have PoA and be prepared to let them see copies. Understate what you are able to do - what you feel you can commit to at the moment will be far more than is sustainable long term with no holidays or sick leave. It's important to save you energy for the things that only you can do - finding out information, help with decision making, liaison with medical services and others, managing financial affairs. That's pretty well a full time job. Other people can do social care.

Ask about technological help with the memory loss, eg medications delivered already in a dosette (originally pronounced "dose-ette" but now seems to be universally pronounced and sometime spelt "dossett") box separated into days and times; voice reminders of things that need to be done (eg one which detects front door opening and reminds her to lock it); clocks which show night and day and day of the week as well as time. Encourage her to make lists - my father used to write down when he'd eaten, so he knew whetehr he'd had lunch or not. Think of installing cameras (with her permission) linked to a mobile phone so you can be alerted if there's no movement in the house; or if someone's come to the door; and see what's happening.

When two people need support it can sometimes be cost-effective to get home carers instead of moving into a home- especially if they are OK overnight at the moment. It can help if you can work out when and what they struggle with. It's tricky as there's often a lot of denial- but if SS do a care needs assessment, that's a great first step.

As Mere said, your mum also needs medical assessment to get a diagnosis and check that her sudden confusion isn't due to an infection or illness.

Thanks for your inputs everyone. I saw her today and got an agreement with her husband's son that we will get carers for his dad first and foremost with mum being checked on for being up and coping with meals etc.

Mum will see a psychiatrist next week where I hope we will get a diagnosis. I sorted out the LPA with the bank and am now a signatory on all her bank accounts. I also got the doctors to understand that calling her husband's son about my mum is not appropriate.
I feel less scared than yesterday but just a few hours with them has exhausted me. Mum tried to go to the butchers to buy pork chops for supper three times- she has a fridge with nearly half a pigs worth of assorted pork products in it!

Care from the hospital will continue for her husband until suitable replacement carers are found privately.
And I found their passports! buried deep inside a bag inside a bag in the back of a wardrobe.

It is going to be a long and bumpy ride. I really appreciate your suggestions and will follow them all up. I made it clear that I cannot do any caring as I have to work.
I heart mumsnet at times like this :)

Great progress flaming ! Well done. Feel free to join the longer thread - lots of us in the trenches to share moans and wisdom and the odd laugh.
Take care🌺🌺

thesandwich which is the longer thread? I need to join the thread... more stuff has happened today and I am yet again not sure what to do...

There's a thread called "shiny new 2019 thread" or something where lots of just post and keep up to date with our elders. It's somewhere you can just share the day to day frustrations, realise you're not alone, and other people ask you how things are going.

For heavy duty advice on one issue you're best starting a separate thread as you have done, and I suggest you continue this thread for the stuff that's happened today (or yesterday as it now is).