Worried, guilty, helpless. What to do?

[orenisthenewblack]

So, parents live an hour and a half away. DF 80, fit and healthy but getting older every time I see him. Still drives but car on its last legs so he will not be buying a new one. DM 72, recovered well from stroke 10 yrs ago but suffers memory and mobility problems because of it. On top of that, she has arthritis, osteoporosis in her back and constantly in pain.
They rarely complain on the phone because there are 'many more worse that them'.

I spent two weeks with them on holiday recently and realised how much my DF does for DM. It was an eye opener to see how everyday is for both of them.

DM confessed to me on the phone that she is having a flare up this week and has not been able to shower since coming home from holiday.

She desperately wants to clean the house but can't - she says house hasn't been dusted for four weeks. (She hates this)

I'm aware that she has my DF help her dress, do her hair etc. She's recently had an urine infection which meant she couldn't get to the toilet in time.

She can only walk a fee meters before having to stop. She refuses a stick, zimmer, wheelchair and mobility scooter.

They live in their own 3 bed house with gorgeous views and would hate to move. I'm unsure how much money they have, they have enough for a holiday, but not to have the heating on around the clock - not flush with cash but comfortable perhaps. DF is quite frugal.

So here I am, living in another county, wondering what can I do to help without offending them. I'd love to be able to pay for a cleaner for them but they would hate it.

I feel very frustrated and useless. I suppose I'm asking advice before things get any worse. I'm clueless.

If they are struggling to drive, apply for bus pass & provide the timetable
Get taxi numbers

All good ideas thank you. DM much better this week after a course of steroids.

OP I have just applied for Attendance Allowance for my father who has Vascular dementia. I filled the forms in myself and he didn’t get it, it’s a massive form a top tip was to phone up and it will be back dated (as someone said up thread). But ring Age uk and they can send someone round or can let you know who to contact in your parents area to fill the forms out for you or them. I am now getting a local Carers Association to apply for POA and help my parents complete the forms for Attendance Allowance. My parents didn’t want this Allowance when I first filled out the forms but since then my dad needs someone to wash him, we all live locally and do our best to transport them to local doctors and hospital appointments but the never ending list of appointments is hard to juggle for two of them even around working part time and living locally so sometimes they have had to get taxis which mount up. Also don’t be naive enough to say you will visit on X days or during X week if someone could come round then and sort it out to coincide with your visit these things take time to arrange a few days or a few weeks notice is needed. One thing my parents did get was a hand rail for going up the stairs and this has been an absolute god send.

You've had some great advice already OP.

I remember a DC going with my DM to visit my GPs and DM spending all of her time cleaning and sorting things out ( DM worked practically f/t in a stressful job) and it was obvious to me as a know it all teen that actually what my GPs wanted more than anything was to spend time talking to her - but as they resisted having in any paid for help then this was the net result.

With my own aged DPs I suggest practical but irregular things - such as transporting them to visit relatives across the water. I did tentatively suggest a cleaner at one point but they seem to be managing ok. We have a robohoover and thats a great no effort way of vacuuming so maybe you could get them one of those, but don't whatever you do give up more of your time on household chores if it will make you tired and resentful as not good for DPs or for you.