Feel in limbo

[KaywinnetLeeFrye]

Hi. Regular-ish reader of mn, but don't post often. Just looking for a sounding board re what's going on with my dad and the difficult feelings I'm experiencing.

My mum died 2 years ago. Sudden illness, only a month between her diagnosis and her death. My dad has not coped at all well. He's a decade older than my mum and I think he always assumed that he'd die first. He's clearly been suffering with depression and anxiety, though denies (or just doesn't recognise) it. He refused grief counselling. He has finally been put on ADs after his last hospital stay where they did a thorough review of his situation.

He just seems to have given up entirely, frequently talks of "being called home to mum". He doesn't want to live without her and basically seems to be marking time until his own death (he's in his 80s).

He has no interest in his children or grandchildren, or any of the (many) social groups he and my mum were involved with. He says he has to stick around to look after the cat. And that's it!

I'm not looking for practical suggestions. My sibling and I are doing our best with the situation, although you can imagine it's hard to effect improvements when dad's not remotely interested in anything.

The thing is, I feel like I've been so taken up with sorting out dad that I haven't processed what happened with my mum. Dad's acting like he's just hanging around, waiting for death and it rubs off on me. I have started to feel like I'm in this limbo, between the death of my parents, unable to grieve or mentally move on. And that makes me feel pretty shit.

Is it normal?

Sounds completely normal to me. Would it be worth looking at counselling for you to enable you to process your feelings?
🌺🌺

OP sorry if I am speculating here

is part of it that you feel you are waiting for your dad to die, because he is making you miserable?

I think it's really unfair that he talks the way he does in front of you. Mum is older than my dad was and was also beyond shocked that he died first. However, she is very conscious of not bringing the rest of the family down and so doesn't say stuff like that, though she did initially after his death.

even when we organised the funeral she said "have you got something nice to do the week after, you need a mental break from all this".

I don't know how much time you spend with him but if you are hearing these comments a lot, I wouldn't be able to cope.

you mention "his last hospital stay" - have there been a lot of these? Are you doing practical care for him?

It sounds very normal to me. Grieving for a parent can be a long process, especially when it is quite sudden, so you have had less time to mentally prepare yourself. In your case it has been made harder to find time and space to deal with your own feelings because of focusing on your dad and his state of mind. It sounds like you need to start making some time for yourself, and specifically time to work through your feelings. You are worried about your dad but you are important too so you mustnt let yourself and your needs be entirely overshadowed by his.

If I were you I would be considering a combination of professional counselling, reaching out to close friends who are good listeners (and huggers), and just putting aside some time to do whatever makes you feel good: a walk, a run, a dance, a massage, a hot bath, a good book. Sounds trivial but it all helps you feel like you.

Be kind to yourself.

( I lost my mother and father in the last few years, both relatively young)

Sorry to leave the thread for so long. Busy week, including my dad being uncontactable (not answering any phone, or responding to messages), so my brother and I trying to figure out what's going on and if he's ok. (He is. Said he didn't hear the phone ... on any of the many attempts to call him.)

Rosa it's not really "waiting for your dad to die, because he is making you miserable" (I appreciate you asking so I can clarify.) He is making us miserable, and stressed, at the moment. I would rather he turns back towards life and engages with people and activities he enjoys. I feel like he is just waiting to die, and that feels like a transient stage, so it's like the situation that started with mum's illness hasn't resolved yet. It's that feeling of transience that I'm finding is blocking a resolution. Sorry - v. tired and finding it hard to express things that I don't understand myself.

He's had a few hospital stays (hernia, followed by impacted bowel). The latest was precipitated because I called him and he couldn't get out more than a couple of words without gasping for breath. Initially thought it was asthma, but he was diagnosed with heart failure. He hadn't taken any action to get help so I told him to ring the doctor immediately. He ended up in an ambulance.

I don't live near him, and I am a carer for my disabled child, so am limited in how much time I can spend at his house so not doing practical care (he was discharged with a care package).

Thanks sandwich and regular. I really am doing my best to look after myself too.

OP what an awful lot to have to deal with.

I said what I said because I wanted to give you the freedom to say it in case it was that....I once saw a therapist who said a lot of people stop needing therapy after their parents are gone. I don't have therapy regularly but went to a couple of sessions after my dad died. Even with mum trying to be positive, her state of mind was clear and it was harder to cope with that than losing a parent frankly.

anyway, I digress....I'm not sure how, or if, you can get him to re-engage with life. I see mum all the time but there are some things she refuses to do e.g get a call alarm thingy, and she doesn't like me to phone early in the day, it's always after work. I think it's partly because she doesn't want to lose the opportunity to just quietly die IYSWIM and this for a woman who took up her social life, voluntary work etc after the loss of a spouse.

I wonder if your best option is to protect yourself and speak with him less? Or if he is going on about depressing things, tell him bluntly that that kind of talk is not fair to you?

I really feel for you and him

You have my sympathy for the situation, which sounds really hard.

If you think that you want to start processing your mum's death - and I can totally see that your dad is occupying the front and centre and totally getting in the way of that - I would really recommend CRUSE. You pay what you can afford and although it was a really different situation when my mother died, they were unbelievably helpful in just allowing me to unpack all my conflicting feelings. You sound as if you could do with a space where you are the centre of attention rather than either your father or your child, even for just an hour a week.

I once saw a therapist who said a lot of people stop needing therapy after their parents are gone quite shocking but it makes sense when you think about it!

OP how are things?