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Elderly parents
Original poster

FiL wants DH to buy his house. How awful an idea is this?

55 replies

batvixen123 · 29/05/2019 19:20

I'm not sure if my knee jerk response is fair or not. FiL is in his late eighties and is pretty frail. He's never been good with money - DH says he's the kind of guy who will win £10,000 on the horses and then invest it immediately in some hair brained scheme set up by a mate of his down the pub. He did have a fair amount of money when he retired but decided to invest it in a couple of business ventures set up by "mates" which promptly failed and left him in a financial hole. As a result, he took out a mortgage on his house a few years ago, which was apparently fine because MiL did have a civil service pension which covered the costs of the mortgage.

She has since sadly died, and in addition the fixed rate on his mortgage has come to an end and he is now struggling to make repayments. He has therefore asked DH if he can buy the house and get a new fixed rate which he thinks will bring his mortgage repayments down to something he can afford. I think the idea is then that DH gets the house when he dies. He's also putting a fair bit of pressure on DH - comments about 'not being able to keep your mum's home that she loved' and 'this place is all I have left'.

I'm freaking out a bit. I don't even know if it's legal - I think it highly unlikely FiL will be a fit state to remain living independently for the next seven years - and if it is legal I am very worried that he'll get himself in a state, stop paying the mortgage, tell no one and put our house at risk. DH, I think, is torn between my anxiety and his feelings towards his DF.

Can anyone talk some sense into me, either way?

OP posts:
Beautiful3 · 29/05/2019 20:21

Terrible idea. I would suggest that he sells it, to down size. Don't put your family home at risk for anyone else.

HopelesslydevotedtoGu · 29/05/2019 20:28

I would absolutely say no. Your FIL can downsize to something within his budget more suitable for him long term. Crazy to get yourselves in debt to keep him in a house he can't afford and may not be able to live independently in much longer. He could have chosen to prioritise his mortgage himself, but didn't.

Aquamarine1029 · 29/05/2019 20:29

My god, no. This is a terrible idea and something that could absolutely fuck up your financial future. Your husband needs to let go of his misplaced guilt and think of his own wife and children. Your FIL is going to have to come to grips about the reality of his situation.

Hiphopopotamous · 29/05/2019 20:33

So many problems with this - deprivation of assets, inequality between siblings in inheritance, DH will be liable for maintenance costs, FIL has no money to pay rent, capital gains tax on second property, rental agreements etc etc.
I'd not go anywhere near this.
He needs to take his £150k equity and downsize or rent.

Original poster
batvixen123 · 29/05/2019 20:38

Why does your dh need to buy the whole property? Can he not just buy 1/3 thereby paying off the mortgage. Your fil would then need to pay him some rent but more manageable than paying full rent for the property.

Is that possible? How would that work with a mortgage? Or would he just need to extend our own mortgage to cover it or something?

OP posts:
Applesandpears23 · 29/05/2019 20:38

Can you find put if there’s enough equity left for an equity release mortgage. This is essentially like selling part of the house to the bank who will take the money back when your FiL dies.

Original poster
batvixen123 · 29/05/2019 20:40

I suspect you'll be relieved to find - pretty quickly - that you won't be able to get a mortgage on the house

Oh god, you're so right! That would be honestly the best outcome. Flowers

OP posts:
truthisarevolutionaryact · 29/05/2019 20:43

Not sure where you are OP but £150,000 would buy your FIL an independent one or two bedroom flat in a senior citizens complex in many parts of the country (not central London obviously). He keeps his independence but is in a supportive community.

Original poster
batvixen123 · 29/05/2019 20:49

We have suggested that. He has issues with the idea of an old people's home. I agree, it's by far the best option, especially with the state of his health.

OP posts:
Babdoc · 29/05/2019 20:57

Does DH have power of attorney for FIL? And could it be argued that FIL now lacks capacity to handle his own finances, given the bad investments etc? Because the simplest thing might be to consult a financial advisor with a view to taking over FIL’s affairs and making more sensible decisions on his behalf - which might involve selling and downsizing to a sheltered flat, or taking equity release on the house so FIL can stay there but have some cash to live on.

AvocadosBeforeMortgages · 30/05/2019 00:33

Might he consider a retirement village? It's very different to an old people's home

NotStayingIn · 30/05/2019 00:43

I really don’t think your DH could do anything without involving his sibling. Even if they aren’t financially able to help some agreement needs to be had. It will cause an utter shit storm if you do something like this behind their backs. (Whatever it is you end up doing.)

Original poster
batvixen123 · 30/05/2019 08:27

Thanks to everyone for the advice. DH and I are going to tell FiL that we think we may need to talk to sibling as disinheriting them may have legal repercussions (untrue, but will get the conversation starting) and go from there. Having looked about on the net, FiL can't pay commercial rent so the odds of our getting a BTL on his house seems minimal. All we'd realistically be able to do would be extend our own mortgage and give him the money which is obviously a very big ask.

Argh! So stressful. I'm sure my kids will be saying the same about me one day.

OP posts:
NotStayingIn · 30/05/2019 09:52

Good luck OP, hope it all gets sorted. And yep, something fun for us and our kids to look forward to in old age. :-)

MereDintofPandiculation · 30/05/2019 10:33

Not sure where you are OP but £150,000 would buy your FIL an independent one or two bedroom flat in a senior citizens complex in many parts of the country That shocked me, because the ones near us are around £250000 ... but yes, you're right, further into the city 1 bedroom flats retirement costs start at around £60000. But you have to look carefully at the on-going costs - both for maintenance and for access to the assisted living facilities, which can be quite eye-watering.

My DH was distraught at selling his individually designed house to move nearer us; it broke his heart that we didn't want to move into it. He'd always thought of it as a family home, to be passed down generation to generation. Despite throwing himself into local activities and making new friends, it took him a while to come to terms - over about 5 years he moved from complaints about the inadequacy of the local library to comments that "people are so helpful around here". And he admits he couldn't have continued to cope in his old house, with no bus service and steep hills to all facilities.

BbbathT1me · 03/06/2019 13:18

Why does he have a mortgage in his 80s ?
Surely this is bad planning

Belindabelle · 03/06/2019 17:37

I was wondering the same re having a mortgage in your 80's. My MIL is living in a large family home that is slowly falling apart. We would love her to downsize and maybe move closer to us but she won't hear of it. No mortgage though.

Whosorrynow · 06/06/2019 11:37

You must manoeuvre him into downsizing
If you don't you're making a rod for your own back, he will become more and more demanding and insist that you do everything humanly possible (no matter how it irrational or inconvenience to yourselves) to enable him to stay in that house
Get him to move into appropriate housing ASAP

Whosorrynow · 06/06/2019 11:40

the reason they won't hear of moving out of their large and unsuitable homes is is because they don't want to let go of this thing (the house) which enables them to control everyone
Once she establishes that it is her right to stay in the house that gives her grounds to insist that everyone spend all their time and energy enabling her.
This is a very difficult situation because it's hard to be tough with an 80 year old!

ItsReallyOnlyMe · 06/06/2019 11:57

Has he looked at doing this via an Equity Release with mortgage approach ? I think it does what he wants but without you being involved. He needs to take proper advice before he signs up to this though, obviously your inheritance would be affected longer term.

Whisky2014 · 06/06/2019 12:15

I don't understand. If your husband buys it, why would FIL get a fixed rate? He doesn't own the house anymore I'd dh buys so wouldn't need a fixed rate mortgage Confused or am I missing something?

MereDintofPandiculation · 07/06/2019 08:11

he reason they won't hear of moving out of their large and unsuitable homes is is because they don't want to let go of this thing (the house) which enables them to control everyone That's a very cynical and unempathetic comment which is not backed up by anything the OP has said.

Readytogogogo · 07/06/2019 08:18

As pp has said, your DH needs to put his own family first. Putting financial pressure on a child is not the act of a loving parent. Neither of you should feel guilty about saying no. And I really think you should say no. FIL needs to downsize and live within his means, as the rest of us do.

Quartz2208 · 07/06/2019 08:22

He needs to look at a flat in a retirement village his equity should easily find one that he can afford and having got two grandparents who have made the move it’s definitely for the best

Berthatydfil · 07/06/2019 08:23

Can he buy £80k worth off fil for whatever the %age of the current value that makes.
Fil can then sort his will however he likes re the other sib.
Bear in mind that any will will o it cone into effect when fil passes and he may need care etc during his lifetime so fils share of the jointly owned house could be taken for care fees (but dhs share will be unable to be touched) so there is still no guarantee sib will get any inheritance.