Is it usual to feel angry with parents when 1 is terminally ill?

[thesurreyyouth]

Elderly FIL has a terminal illness, he’s slowly getting worse after his 2 courses of chemo finished. The chemo was never going to cure. It has made him ill and weak and he has continued to lose weight on top of the 4 stone he lost before diagnosis. He has had excellent advice from oncology dietitian and from the hospice he visits weekly. But MIL continues to cook roast dinners, chops etc that FIL tries to eat, though he then suffers with pain when the food becomes lodged, or worse he’s sick and he continues to lose weight. We’ve all talked to her, offered help but she won’t changed. I know it’s hard as this is all she’s known for 50+ years and she’s very frightened of being alone. I’m focusing on MIL as she’s always been the one to provide food/meals as she has never had a job. There are 4 siblings, they are all becoming cross with the situation yet feel so hopeless. It’s not nice feeling angry when you can see her fear, but things could be easier for FIL if only she would follow the advice given.
FIL also wants to go away for a few days, to a special place (whether that’s achievable I’m not sure) but MIL just won’t hear of it. No one is allowed to talk to her about it as FIL says she’s really struggling. So again we have to hear his desire to have one last time away but not be in a position to make it possible.
Please help, is it usual to feel angry?

I think I would feel angry in that situation OP. It's as if she isn't focusing on him, just what makes her feel more secure.

Oh goodness what a difficult situation. I feel so sorry for MIL - as well as FIL and all their DC. It's a horrible time for everyone. Can you talk to someone involved in his care (or a Macmillan nurse or similar) and ask them to help? I'm sure this won't be the first time they've encountered a spouse in denial.

Can anyone offer some practical help and organise some home-cooked meals that are suitable for your FIL?

I agree that a GP/Nurse (does the hospital have a nurse you can ring) will be used to this and could suggest some way of sorting this out. Take care.

I don't know about "usual," but that's kind of irrelevant - that is how you're feeling and so it's valid.
I think it's just part and parcel of the whole package of "difficult" that is coping with terminal illness, whether it's you, a spouse, child or in-law.
for you all.

DH has gone to every appointment with both of them, he asks the questions, as agreed, as both parents are finding this hard. When he takes them home he ensures MIL has food in to prepare a nutritious but easy to swallow meal FIL needs & goes through again how to prepare it, only for a roast dinner to served the next day, gah!
I think the best plan is for FIL to have a short stay in the hospice to get some rest (he’s upset with his decline so still tries to go out and about, then suffers for the next couple of days), correct food and upbeat company. But how to arrange without upsetting them both?

Does MIL need a mental health assessment as well? Perhaps she’s not coping. Can you talk to the health visitors about this? It sounds like she is rejecting the reality completely. I don’t think her behaviour is insignificant.

Has he raised 'coping' as an issue at the appointments, they must have seen this so many times.

If their GP suggested a hospice stay as a respite for your MIL would this be helpful? Most nurses based at a GP practice will have info on the support they can access, for example, respite care which might sound better than saying hospice to them.

Why is MIL cooking unsuitable food?

I guess snog it’s all she ever known, dinner at midday, tea at 5. The 4 brothers have all tried to explain the little and often rather than ‘proper’ meals but things don’t change. It’s always been about meat, potato and veg. DH never ate rice or pasta until we got together.

Thank you to everyone who has replied so far. I’ll discuss with DH as he will be going to the hospice again on Wednesday

Does MIL need more support to make different meals? Having different ingredients might not be enough. Often to change habits people can require coaching and support through the process.

Maybe DH can ask why she isn't using the ingredients he has made sure she has. Maybe a batch cooking session with another family member or friend could help or even a supply of appropriate ready meals?

It's really not unreasonable to feel angry but MIL is unlikely to make the changes you hope for if you are angry with her. As you say she is probably in a place of fear and it's hard to operate when you are feeling like that. Understanding and collaborative will probably get you further. It sounds really difficult OP.

You can get liquid food which are cartons that look like milkshake with vitamins. I think you can get them on prescription or from the chemist. These are not diet aids.
These are for people who are struggling to eat solid food. Your local pharmacy should be able to help

Look up the stages of grieving. Denial is a big one. All of you will be grieving in different ways, and it can be very difficult to cope with a family member in denial when another one is angry and someone else is processing these complex feelings in a different way entirely.

If you (perhaps you in particular as not immediate family) can hold onto an understanding of why your MIL may be reacting in this way, trying to keep control of the only normality that is left - maybe it will make it a tiny bit easier to retain some patience with her and working out how to help. I hope some support from somewhere can help. Can you explain to the dietician that she doesn't seem able, psychologically, to change what she is cooking at the moment, and have they any other suggestions to help FIL get nutrition from something he can manage, while trying small mouthfuls of "normal" if that pretence is what will help both of them cope?

It sounds like your MIL just doesn't have the flexibility of thought to make changes - whether this is the upset and grief, or whether there is something else going on that is making it harder for her its not possible to know over t'internet. But sticking to a rigid routine is very common in the elderly who are experiencing mental decline as it keeps everything on track.

Could the sons provide cream cakes/chocolates/dessert pots for FIL to 'snack' on which would give him lots of calories with no effort and let MIL keep making the food she obviously needs to. Maybe FIL could fancy some cauliflower cheese or another side dish she is comfortable with to have as his main food, but is soft and easy to eat - also mash with butter and cheese. Think of ways to work with her

Yy to meeting her half way. Fortisip pots would be much better than cream cakes and would give him all of the nutrition he needs to eat during the day. Then if she could make sure that she does mashed potatoes rather than roast, he could eat some of those for his main meal. A hand held liquidiser might mean that she could start to liquidise other veg or even some of the roast for him to eat. If he is not relying on the main meal for his nutrition then he can start to get her used to giving him small portions which he can nibble at without making himself ill. She can then eat her meal, and feel that she is still cooking for him, even if he can't manage so much now.

Easier said than done, of course, and she may still insist on dishing up a full meal as it is her way of looking after him. However frustrating for you, and dangerous for him, she is unlikely to change at once. Small steps if you can.

And yes, it is completely normal to feel angry in these situations but it is ultimately unproductive. So as with small kids, leave the room when feeling stressed, count to ten then think about how to move towards achieving what you need to constructively.

Best of luck.

He does have the prescription drinks but after being a big eater all his life it doesn’t satisfy him like a plate of food. Arrgghh can you see? Neither is helping as he’s giving her the message he needs a meal.
They have every gadget going - soup maker, blender, stick blender, smoothie maker. He does love soup and if well enough he’ll make some, but she won’t eat it.
Everyone has given suitable food & chocolate as gifts so he has it available, also given ingredients to make smoothies but once gone it’s not continued. I am never angry ‘at her’, I talk gently about options or ideas, but feel tearful and angry when I’m back at home that I can’t do more than that.
At least I’ve had replies to say other posters would feel angry too as that eases my guilt that I can’t improve things.

I would be angry too. Has any one plainly told her that it is making him more ill?

Ask to see a social worker, get him referred, you can ring it in yourself (or DH). The fact that DM is giving him food he can't swallow and is in denial and stressed, is a concern and the LA can help your family and DPIL with that. In this instance due to the risks, it Safeguarding, even though care is loving and the difficulties are unintended and misguided, LA will want to offer support and approach gently.

Ps. The anger and frustration you are feeling is natural. You want to help, she's not coping but declining help and she's also ignoring dietician advice and what he wants. You are right to advocate for your Dad. Is it SALT advice on pureed food? As if it is, then it absolutely is a safeguarding concern that will be treated very carefully. (It doesn't have to be maliciously done to hit safeguarding concern criteria- it can be misguided but loving care) and those can be the cases that sometimes may be easiest to resolve with kind and supportive professional intervention. Much of what is done via safeguarding enquiries in this sort of situation, can and is done with gentle negotiation.