Feeling like a shit daughter

[feelingguiltyaboutmum]

Hi, I've NC for this and will alter a few details as might be outing.

My mum is going on 80 and is lovely and we are very close. I'm in my 40s and a single mum of 3. I'm not working at the moment and we do lots together such as our shopping, days out and short breaks. We all enjoy being together and it's automatic to include her in what we do as long as it's something she'd enjoy.

She's fully independent and mobile but prone to tripping and losing her balance.There is no known reason for this.

In the past 3 years she's had 3 serious fractures due to tripping over resulting in surgery twice and lots of care from me. It was really hard but I was happy to help her. She's also been ill on nearly every short break we've had.

My dilemma is this: we are going away next month and I'm worried about her either falling or being ill. We aren't going far but I don't drive and will be relying on public transport (train and bus) to get us there and back. On the worst injury occasion we were in London and we had to leave her in hospital there and arrange for an ambulance to bring her home once she was well enough. It took 5 hours and she needed months of care once home. It scared us all and we've been nervous ever since and feel awful that we are. There's been some close calls since too with trips.

Is it possible to get insurance even if you are holidaying in the same country that you live? It seems daft to get insurance for something similar to Blackpool! I've never considered it before but it would be a good idea if available. I'm so worried she'll fall or be ill and we'll be stuck 2 hours away with her in hospital.

She's already said she doesn't think it's a good idea for any more holidays as she feels like she might spoil it for us if anything happens and today she fell having somehow missed the chair. She doesn't seem to put her arms out to protect herself, she just goes splat. It's left me feeling quite tearful and anxious but I would feel awful saying I'd rather her not come. Of course she might decide not to come anyway after today but I'm feeling awful about things.

It's so sad seeing her get older.

Sorry to hear this. Has she been referred to a falls clinic? Ours has been very good with aids and physio, plus equipment.
You can get insurance- her age might make it harder.
Sounds like she realises it might be too much for her.🌺🌺

Thank you for your reply. I don't know if she's been to a falls clinic but she's had lots of input from physio and has just been discharged from the programme she was doing at the hospital following the break she had last summer.

I get annoyed that she does things without taking into account her inability to to those things. She often turns as she's walking for example and she can't do that as she trips over her own feet!

You can get insurance even though you live in the same country. There is usually an age limit - I don't know about insurance for her travelling with you, but cancellation insurance usually has an age limit of 80. Insurance won't pay out on predictable risks, so they might refuse to pay out for a fall, arguing it was a risk already identified before you took the insurance out. Make sure you declare everything relevant and read the small print. It might be an occasion when arranging insurance through a broker might be helpful.

Try and curb your annoyance - it's rubbish getting older. You either give up and don't do anything, and therefore accelerate the ageing process, or you deny it and carry on as normal. There doesn't seem to be a middle ground.

I'll look into it, thanks. I get annoyed that she's not careful I think. Then there's only me to look after her. One time she broke her neck so these are severe injuries. It makes us all nervous.
I've had to tell her she needs sensible shoes now and sturdy walking sandals, not I'll fitting and flimsy footwear.
I feel she's my responsibility. She's not but it feels that way.

Thank you. I feel better tonight, I think I was just upset to find her on the floor and frustrated that she's not more careful. She'll have a few bruises tomorrow I imagine. It's not like when my ds falls and just bounces back within minutes, she needs months of care and there's only me who is willing to help her daily. The care package she was offered was neither use nor ornament. The psychological strain is huge on us both too but in different ways. The children are very anxious about her falling because they witnessed the worst one which was very traumatic. It's so hard to see your parent age and rolls to be reversed.

Has she tried using a proper walker/rollator (not the shitty ones the NHS hands out) to give her better balance and something to hold onto if she stumbles?

I think she'd rather die tbh She's capable of walking a few miles, doing gym classes (at physio), a keep fit classes and is going back to the gym and thinking of taking up dancing! She just trips with catastrophic effects. She's fully independent, drives, shops, gardens. I give her the pushchair to keep her more steady when out now as we both feel happier but I very much doubt she'd use a proper aid.

I've heard Tai Chi is good at promoting balance. But if she's tripping it doesn't sound so much of a balance thing as a failure to lift her feet properly.

I've been telling her about picking up her feet properly for years. She says her legs ache and feel tired. She actually drags one foot ever so slightly if she's tired which is most of the time. They do tai chi for health at local park and I've been trying to encourage her to go. She did it years ago but didn't like it it however I've said she needs to think of it as therapy like physio. I'll speak to her again today.

Has she been to the optician recently? I am just wondering if the falls are related to her eyesight - possibly cataracts / macular degeneration etc. I would get that checked out, it might be something solve-able.

Yes, she's had new glasses and always wears them so it's not her eyesight. She does wobble sometimes and veers off to one side. Her balance has improved since going to the physio gym group but if she trips or wobbles she's not able to correct herself and stop falling. She tripped in front of family friends as she turned to wave as they were passing and went face first. She didn't even put her hands out. That worries me that that reflex isn't there. Maybe she needs a referral to neurology?

I don't know OP

I'm horrendously clumsy so I know not to turn and wave at people while walking IYSWIM. I suppose perhaps it is taking time for her to catch up to her new reality.

My mum is very wobbly and she is very careful.

I sympathise with feeling that she is your responsibility but tbh I get round it by limiting what we do. I did a day out recently alone, and I realised that just walking from the Underground to the main line station would be too much for my mum (we had been talking about a day out but I think now it has to be somewhere we can get a cab to).

is your mum simply doing too much? Then losing concentration and falling?

Speaking bluntly, I wouldn't be able to go on holiday with someone in that situation but I don't go on holiday generally so it would be stress x 2.

I don't think you are a bad daughter at all. It sounds like you are doing a great job.