Help! 90 yr old dad pushing my buttons

[Viviennethebeautiful]

Hi I love my dad but he is driving me mad with his unintentional hurtful comments. He has always favoured my brother, who is older. Bro sees dad 3x per year for 3 hours a visit. I see him every week often several times and phone him every day for 30 mins. He tells everyone about his son’s wonderful support for him, his sister (me) gets a mention occasionally. It really hurts as it’s always in front of me. He had a 90th birthday party where my bro is in most every photo, I am in only 2 as I was hosting. Dads comments on photos is he is glad bro is featured so often. He often comments he is better looking, more successful and brighter than me. Actually only some of this is true but it hurts to hear.

He hadn’t been on holiday for 30 years as mum was ill and refused to leave the house. Since she died he and I have been on short holidays in UK, but we are now going on a cruise he booked (without asking me) for 14 days. I am really concerned as recently he has either been making more comments about being less important to him or I am noticing more. It really hurts as I have put my life on hold for him, giving up work and rarely going away without him.
I had an appointment booked with a Counsellor to get some coping strategies to handle his tactlessness. She had worked with me for a couple of years until a few months ago to help me sort out my feeling on a lot of issues, including this. Unfortunately she has had to cancel for totally legitimate reasons.
I therefore need to find some strategies myself. Can anyone suggest either specific things I might do or reading that will help?. I have 3 weeks till we go. I don’t want a horrible holiday or to keep getting upset. He is not going to change. All help really really welcome
Thanks

Don't go and suggest brother goes end of....

Headspace or calm apps? Have a look at fear,obligation and guilt.
And find ways to enjoy yourself- use all the facilities!!

OP " It really hurts as I have put my life on hold for him, giving up work and rarely going away without him."

this is worrying - you gave up work for him?

also, excuse my ignorance, but how do you book someone on a cruise without them knowing - don't you need passport info or anything?

quite honestly I'd refuse to go. he won't change, so the only factor that can change here is you.

I would tell him bluntly that you feel completely underappreciated and like he's taking the piss.

Why can't you tell him how you feel? Straight up no beating around the bush.

You are horrible to me. I feel unappreciated and bullied and I don't want to go on holiday with you. So where shall we go from here? Is there someone else who would be prepared to go with you?

And when you get back I think you need to find someone else to help you out.

As it is he'll get worse and worse with you. End up costing you everything else you value in life and ten do some final spiteful act in his will.

I don't know how old you are, but can you go back to work part time or full time ?

If you are going on the cruise, spend plenty of time talking to other people, if there is a pool swim, join in the activities

Thank you all for your responses. I am 57 now, 54 when I stopped working. I have being doing a bit of contract work abroad ( around 2 weeks at a time) which I adore. Thinking about it, the comments have escalated since I started that.

Dad is honestly a lovely man, he is just very poor with his choice of words.

He also creates stories which are the world as he wants it to be rather than how it is. Eg my ever attentive brother who in reality he sees just a few times a year, even though he is older than me and fully retired.

Thanks for the suggestions about using the facilities and Calm etc. They will definitely help.

He did book the holiday without me, and paid in full. Passport information only needs to be supplied after.

I do need help when we get back. Don’t think he would be spiteful just very old fashioned and men are to be valued more highly than women. Mum left her share of the house to me and my brother, with his full knowledge and he has a mirror will.

He acts well towards me but, by golly, some of his words don’t half hurt.

Thanks again

I'm going to give you a comparison
A relative asked me to give up my job, life to go & live with them, with their rules, in their house, they worded it as 'I would have no bills to pay.'
I said no
I live several 100 miles away, I still work FT & have my own life & freedom & hobbies & holidays
I visit relative approx once a month, I visit more if they have been sick. They have a weekly cleaner, I help with garden, admin & we have at least one holiday & days out together.
This has worked out on for both of us so far.
Surely, you are missing out on paying into your own private pension, when you could be working ?

I'm not saying either choice is wrong
However, 54 is relatively young to retire. My state pension age is 68.
I would book yourself some more holidays, travel while you have good health

I am puzzled about why he booked a holiday for both of you without checking with you first. Would he have done this with your mother? It sounds as though he doesn't really appreciate that you are a person in your own right.

I would definitely not go on a holiday booked in that way.

Thank you again for all the inputs. I don’t live with him, I am 15 miles away so it is a bit of a pain to go over several times a week, I have fallen into this.
I had a very successful career so am financially independent ( though I could be more comfortable had I continued to work) . The idea of planning more travel is a good one.
I suspect I will come back from this cruise, fit and with a good tan, as sun and gym are beyond him.
Do appreciate all the “don’t go” comments. I think he has lost sight of me as a person in my own right. However at his great age I don’t want to be on bad terms, I should have addressed all of this years ago.

Your brother needs to ensure that each and every time they speak, and your dad says things like this when he's there, he corrects him. 'No Dad, Viv does loads more than I do, where would you be without her?' kind of thing.

In some ways I have heard/been treated similar to you (not as bad). If your ddad is of sound mind, tell him in a firm and confidant way that you are the one spending time and effort, not your db. Then proceed to tell him that if he continues to do this (he probably hasn't noticed) you will withdraw a lot and that he will then have to rely on db.
Do not make excuses for him, you both need to treat each other nicely.
Best of luck, sadly my experience is it doesn't get easier, so you better set some boundaries.

My philosophy is older people are not going to be round forever, so enjoy (as much as you can your time together)
Treat people as you wish to be treated
Do the best that you can
However, make time for yourself & look after your health

re bad terms

I was on very bad terms with my father the last two years of his life. It didn't matter in the end, because we both recognise that we are human beings and were very different people. He was a very angry man, I wouldn't tolerate that, and he thought it was unfair that I wouldn't tolerate it....anyway, he had cancer for a year before his death and even in that period, he had to observe behavioural limits with me because - well, I knew where the door was.

it didn't matter in the end. We both probably knew we didn't like each other, but we loved each other and I looked after him when it came to it.

I would set some boundaries. It's not too late and it's not mean. A 90 year who is well enough to go on a cruise - wow. Mum is 80 and is exhausted if we go for lunch in the local high street.

You sound like you are going there an awful lot, to the detriment of things you want to do. That doesn't sit well with me and interestingly, though dad was a bit selfish, I think he'd probably say it was far too much to expect from a child as well - you should be allowed to get on with your own life and it sounds as if you've given up a lot.

When you gave up everything to help him he took that as permission to walk all over you

Yes I get this. Brother lives a mile away has no kids (he looks after anyway). I live 20+ miles away, got aspergers teen, wife with fibro and a 5 year old. I am the one who doesnt pull my weight apparently -i.e. dont do everything he wants when he wants.

My wife is the devils spawn too apparently. She refuses to collect his washing, do it and deliver it back to him. (Long story - he retired years ago aged late 50s and refused to ever get a washing machine because "its womens work").

OP - sorry do you have partner or kids?

To be honest, I eventually saw the light. I was neglecting my kids and wife and would be divorced by now. To this day, I'm sure this was Dads plan (so I could live with him).

I could tell you some stories about how hes behaved. He cares not a monkeys about me - his views are unbelievable. He ignore my kids, they are just an annoyance that takes up my time. He knows son has got Aspergers - his answer "no such thing in my dad, give him a back hander to behave". Nice..... In other words, sort it out and then get back to putting me first.

Now hes a nasty, selfish, spiteful man. He'll always be my Dad but I honestly can't say I like him at all. Its sad really.

OP - hope you can get yourself out of it.

Hmmm, IMO it's a generational thing and and he's looking to you (the female) as the main carer as that's how he sees the world. However that's still no excuse.

My Mum has similar views. She's very much we women are here to keep the menfolk happy and all her comments are centred around that philosophy. I have two brothers, both retired and both with kids up and out the house. Although I don't work, I still have teenage kids at school but I am also the one who takes Mum out once a week. My brothers tend to just visit her, one will occasionally take her out the other (let's call him Peter) never does.

However when I visit she tells me all about the fabulous things they are doing but never asks what I've been up to. If Peter drops in for a visit you'd think she'd been visited by the Queen the way she goes on but my weekly trips, well that's just expected.

Amazingly her Mum (my Granny) was exactly the same. My Mum would visit every week, do her garden, other wee jobs etc. but my two Uncles who visited once or twice a year were waited on hand and foot.

This will most certainly not be happening with me and my kids.

I can handle my once a week visit, though sometimes listening to her 'Alf Garnett' views can be tiresome. I just get on with it coz she's my Mum.

I am reading your situation in that it's been a drip feed process and you're now quite embroiled in it, which will make it harder to draw boundaries, but I think you need to stand up for yourself.

OP, you seem to have lost sight of your own life and wishes. You’ve totally subordinated yourself to what your father wants, and are only now, years later, beginning to realise what’s going on and resent it.
You desperately need to regain control and establish healthy boundaries.
This ungrateful old man is walking all over you, while taking you for granted and belittling you to others.
Stop. Sit down, and write a list of how your life is now, and how you actually want your life to be.
Then think about the steps you need to take to get there. Decide how often you want to visit your dad, how much shit you will listen to before pulling him up on it, where your boundaries are with regard to holidays etc. Then start enforcing them. Be prepared that he won’t like it. He will be annoyed that his servant wants time off. But you need to renegotiate this entire relationship. I’d suggest you start by booking a holiday abroad without him, and go and be unavailable for a couple of weeks. During which you can start reclaiming your life.
And yes, counselling is an excellent idea, to strengthen your resolve and aid your march to freedom! Good luck.

Long story - he retired years ago aged late 50s and refused to ever get a washing machine because "its womens work"
what!!
he'd rather go without clean clothes than stain his soul with 'women's work' I would mercilessly take this piss out of a man who did that, and refuse to be near him because of the smell:o

Whosorrynow - Yep. In the past when hes stuck hes washed the clothes by hand in his kitchen sink when hes got no choice. That works well.....

He is a minger to be honest too. Took him away for the weekend a few months ago. He took NO clothes at all apart from what he was wearing. I nagged and nagged but he said no way do you need to change your clothes for 2-3 days. (It was easter when it was boiling hot too).

It was quite funny in the end. He peed himself in the car on the way there. (stuck in traffic jam). He was all up for "I'll put my trousers on the radiator in the hotel they'll be fine" but I refused to walk into the Hilton with him soaking wet. Stop off at M&S to buy some clothes - he was not happy. Hes tight as a gnats chuff and hates spending money.

Trouble is in the past, the rest of the family have enabled this. When he first moved into his own place I tried to get him to get washing machine but his older sister offered so it was dead in the water.

She did it for years then got too old. Since then various brothers GFs have done it. I've point blank refused MANY times. Of course, I've offered to sort out a local laundrette but no.

My Dad likes everyone to know their place to be honest. Hes in charge. Women do this, men do that....

Whosorrynow - Dad also thinks that women should do as they're husband says......

Also, men work so women should make all the childcare arrangements. Men should not do anything to upset their employer and expect to be given time off. Can't risk it.

Hes been divorced twice. I just celebrated my 23rd wedding anniversary. Something tells me my approach works a little better....

Of course, he thinks my wife is the anti-christ lol.

He does sound extremely difficult...unable to see that he is painting himself into a corner with his authoritarian mindset and will end up in a position where no one wants to have anything to do with him