My FIL has dementia. My MIL has been covering it up for about 2 years. They don't live close by and MIL and DH both have an inherited condition that causes severe visual impairment, so neither of them drive and nor do I as we've never been able to afford it. So we haven't seen them for about 18 months, though MIL made a few plans to visit (with FIL driving) but cancelled each time because he was unwell. It's one of those things that's obvious in retrospect, but as it was gradual it just became 'normal' that they didn't visit. They did used to live very close to us, but moved while they were still in good health. MIL called every week and we called her, she seemed fine.
Four weeks ago, he went out in the car and vanished. We found out when MIL called to see if he was with us. He was found after about 12 hours, having had a minor but head on collision with another car in a town 120 miles away. He got some fractured ribs, thankfully no one else hurt and insurance have already paid out. After a night in hospital he came home.
Two weeks ago my brother in law phoned to say he was with Mum as she was suicidal after being kept awake for days on end by FIL getting in and out of bed and waking her. He didn't know why his chest hurt and had no memory of the accident. It seems to have accelerated his condition, which was already much worse than we had been told. He was taken into hospital that day and moved to a temp care home from there.
Because I have a degree and read books, I've always been the family's go-to person (they have actually lived their lives rather than reading about it- there's also a strong family history of dyslexia). Now I've gone from 'things are jogging along fine' to constant phone calls from MIL and BIL asking me about things, keeping me up to date and needing emotional reassurance. FIL is not eating in the home and was down to 2 weetabix a day long before he went there. MIL is distraught that he might die from not eating (which I see from other threads here is a common problem- not eating, not dying!). I've had to send emails to her doctor, find out about different meds, find out about dementia and care home policies, the works. No chance husband can do any of that as he is autistic as well and simply can't stay calm and rational in this situation.
I'm going up there on the train on Friday to see MIL and hopefully FIL as it is very difficult to do everything from miles away and with a MIL who's not able to read things any more.
I think this is more of a vent-type post (except I'm not angry) rather than having questions. I have Clinical Depression myself, and it has already been a very hard 12 months. I was just relaxing a bit and boom! I love my in laws, have always called them Mum and Dad but I can't get upset right now because I need to be the strong one.