Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Elderly parents

Flip

Original poster

Dad is dying, mum panicking about where to live afterwards...

17 replies

Anonymum40 · 02/05/2019 11:27

Two weeks ago we were given the prognosis that dad has leukaemia and weeks to live. It's now a very weird time where we nurse him and try to make plans at the same time.

Mum seemed keen to move out of their marital home as soon as poss. I think she is terrified of finding herself alone with all the memories and so is keen to move on asap.

We went to view some sheltered accom flats the other day (with dad in tow which was all a bit surreal). She initially really liked one of them but is now thinking she doesn't want to live alone there either and thinks a care home would be better. She imagines a structured day and being surrounded by people will help her readjust. But the thing is she's not really old enough for all that just yet. She's a sociable, though slightly wobbly and deaf, 80 year old. I've viewed a couple of care homes and I just can't imagine her there.

There's an awful lot going on and this isn't really a priority I guess (priorities are all over the place at the moment), but how would you cope with it?? All advice gratefully received...

OP posts:

AvocadosBeforeMortgages · 02/05/2019 13:13

This sounds like it's been a massive shock for you all - it couldn't really be anything else.

I wonder if she's latched onto this issue because her brain is currently unable to process the really distressing matter of her DH's terminal diagnosis, and this is her mind's way of finding something else to focus on. A subconscious form of self protection if you see what I mean.

I'd encourage her not to make any big or irreversible decisions until after DH has passed and the initial shock has worn off. She may feel very different at that point and you wouldn't want her to regret any choices she makes at a time of crisis.

Would she be able to come and stay with you for a few weeks after he passes? That way she can put off making big decisions without the fear of being alone in the marital home if she doesn't want to be.

If she does decide that she doesn't want to live alone, a couple of thoughts spring to mind that might not have occurred to you

a retirement village - no idea where you are in the country but I'm thinking of this sort of thing www.stmonicatrust.org.uk/villages/westbury-fields
a Shared Lives arrangement - there are a few different schemes, but the basic format is that someone in need of lower cost housing takes a room in the house at a lower rent in return for providing companionship and some housework, but not personal care.
a bit of a left field suggestion, but I know two friends, each divorced, who decided they didn't want to live alone in retirement so bought a house together and live as relatively ancient housemates - I wonder if she has any widowed friends who are feeling lonely?

Shadycorner · 02/05/2019 13:17

Great post from Avocados who has said everything I was going to say! I think the advice is not to make any huge life changing decisions within a year of a major bereavement. I'm so sorry you are all going through this

HollowTalk · 02/05/2019 13:19

So sorry about your dad. It sounds as though assisted living would suit her better. I know my mum had never lived alone. She'd never spent a night alone. I can see how scary that must be. Now, though, she does live alone and though she gets bored and worries about falling over, she's actually coping very well. In her place, though, I'd go for assisted living.

MereDintofPandiculation · 03/05/2019 07:37

A lot of people in care homes have dementia, and activities are pitched accordingly. She might be even more lonely in a care home.

TitianaTitsling · 03/05/2019 07:42

I do agree with mere. And for local authority funding there is a criteria of needs that have to be met, otherwise bills of over a thousand pounds a week will need to be met. Could she try looking at staying in one for maybe a week as a 'respite' break to see how she finds it? Still expensive sadly.

Fairylea · 03/05/2019 07:46

At 80 she certainly isn’t too young for a care home - my mum went into one at 70 because she had complex medical issues and needed the nursing care and support, but you do have to visit lots of different ones- they are all so different. Many are dementia specialist ones which changes the entire set up in terms of staffing and type of people etc.

Sheltered housing may be a better option with some organised activities to keep her busy.

Sorry about your dad.

thereinmadnesslies · 03/05/2019 07:53

MIL actively chose to move to a care home after FIL died. We worried that she was too active to suit the care home but it worked really well. The home she chose had two separate sections, one for dementia and the other for ‘well but frail’ people. The care home staff respected and facilitated her remaining independence, eg she could pop to the shops by herself. She was also given helper roles at times.
We felt worried about her decision to move to a care home but it worked out very well

ineedaholidaynow · 03/05/2019 07:54

I am so sorry about your DF

Like others have said, don’t make hasty decisions. Do your parents live near you or other family?

When DF died my DM moved into a retirement flat near us. They had lived over 2 hours away in a small village with no amenities.

DM is in mid 80s and reasonable health but not very mobile. She stayed in their old home for 6 months. The move has been a very positive thing for her. She can have her own space but can be sociable too. She has made some lovely friends and be pretty independent eg can walk to local supermarket etc She was not ready for a care home.

stucknoue · 03/05/2019 07:54

The advice I give families is to take each step at a time and not to make decisions like moving immediately, to take time and see how you feel. Her feelings are common but after their partner dies sometimes they do change their mind. Are there family members they could stay with, or can she afford to check into a care home for a trial? I work with older people and some have rebuilt amazing lives after loosing their spouse, but it's a case by case basis. I hope the next few weeks are a time to make final memories and your father isn't in too much pain or anguish. take care

Original poster

Anonymum40 · 04/05/2019 08:55

Thank you to everyone for your advice. We quickly realised it was all too much to consider right now and not to put that pressure on her. The care home she has in mind has a trial weekend system so she can do that when she's ready and we'll take it from there.

After caring for my dad in recent weeks she deserves to be looked after herself if that's what she wants. It's been so stressful. We're hoping the hospice can find him a bed this weekend...

OP posts:

RosaWaiting · 04/05/2019 10:09

I'm relieved to see your update

the only thing to focus on now is your dad. also he might have been told he has weeks to live but it could be months. Poor chap should not be thinking about homes for his wife!

I hope you can get a hospice place asap.

it sounds like your dad is home at the moment? You might find your DM feels completely different after staying in her own home alone for a while.

sorry you are going through this

Reallyevilmuffin · 04/05/2019 10:14

Don't underestimate the importance of regular social contact. I go into a lot of homes as my job - there are people in their 50s and 60s in there, I wouldn't say she is too young, but more 'not frail'. I see so many pensioners who basically sit in front of the TV all day waiting for the next carer/family call to their house, it's rather depressing. If anything is think she is sensible for not wanting the social isolation!

Reallyevilmuffin · 04/05/2019 10:15

Also she could normally do a trial few weeks in most home places to see how she likes it.

RosaWaiting · 04/05/2019 10:20

OP I've just realised you posted about nursing care at home

I mentioned on that thread that we had a similar experience with Dad having cancer. I really would simply focus on the next few weeks. I realise your mum might fixate on the home thing to avoid what it is front of her, but really there's enough to do in the near future without thinking about this kind of thing.

AvocadosBeforeMortgages · 04/05/2019 10:22

Only tangentially relevant, but this might be good for your mum to go to - monthly Sunday tea parties. My elderly relative loves going www.contact-the-elderly.org.uk/

Usingmyindoorvoice · 04/05/2019 10:32

Would something like this be suitable?
www.housingcare.org/housing-care/facility-info-159856-beaufort-lodge-woking-england.aspx

Windygate · 04/05/2019 10:37

My professional advice to you and your DM would be to nothing in haste. Take a year to explore options and see how DM feels as the weeks go by.

My personal advice based on losing both my DF and DSF weeks apart twelve months ago is take as much time as you and DM need.

My DF and DSM were already looking at downsizing and had found a assisted living scheme being built locally to them that they both liked. She went ahead with 'their' plan and moved in a couple of weeks ago. It's been very, very hard for her physically and emotionally.

DM is still in the flat they have lived in for years. She isn't coping at all, won't have the carers she needs but expects DSis and I to do everything. It's to soon for a care home and assisted living wouldn't suit her. We need to carry on waiting to see what happens next.

I'm so sorry your family are facing such a tough time. I found those last weeks of DF and DSF's lives both difficult and helpful. Be kind to yourself

Flip