New to care - advice please

[DogsLoveLakes]

Hi - I’m in despair over my current situation and looking for some support and advice. I know this topic is called elderly parents but what about when the parent isn’t particularly old, just disabled and incapable of looking after themselves? I’m only in my 30’s with a busy young family (children 0-primary school age) and find myself responsible for a parent in their 60’s who is resisting external care and support and won’t engage in conversation about forward planning in terms of what support I am able to reasonably provide. They just want to take a day at a time and get help as and when which I am finding immensely stressful. In fact I feel quite ill about it today which is why I’ve ended up here. There’s no other family around and I don’t know what i should be doing.

what you do in a crisis has a danger of becoming the new normal
Wise words indeed 👍
in fact I feel like writing it on my forehead today

OP can the person pay for care?

Also, sorry if I missed it but are they able to do anything like microwave food etc?

Can they use the microwave? Make toast or a sandwich? If the answer to all that is no then you need to call in social services as pp have said. Otherwise you need to order online shopping deliveries and take them at their word that they don't need care. Sounds harsh but I've been through this denial of reality with my dad and you can talk till you are blue in the face about how you can't cope anymore but nothing changes till you take action.

No, no ability to make or get any provisions that aren’t directly served. I’m going to find out about this assessment of carer’s needs hopefully as evidence of my lack of capacity. The assumption is that it is my job. My responsibility. Would it be social services who would do that assessment for me?

Op I’m not an expert but I’m sure more knowledgeable types will be along shortly

When my dad was needing care, it was Adult Social Services who assessed him. We did say that there were limits to what family could do, but I can’t say what would have happened next because our next step was care homes and then he died anyway, may he rest in peace and sing with the angels 👼

I think you will have to be very clear about not being over involved. Would you consider completely stepping back?

Do you know what the financial situation is?

Re “the assumption is”
That is the assumption of the parent, not the state, I think. I have had one friend simply refuse to be involved with parental care in daily terms.

The assumption is that it is my job. My responsibility.
Honestly, you will find that once you tell social services your situation, they accept that it can't be your job - much more readily than family members will. In my case, I explained that I worked full time, had a child and lived x distance away, so couldn't do daily care. For you, I don't know if you're working but tell them that if so - but most importantly, you are the main carer for your young children and therefore cannot do daily care for this person. Once you say that, social services will look at what they need and how that is provided. It may be that you agree to do certain things, like laundry once or twice a week, or online shopping so that they have food delivered and in the house for when carers come -
I do these things, for example, though even these can be worked around as needed for things like holidays. But SS will not expect the daily care to be your responsibility. Make that call and start the process of gaining your freedom.

Second what gooseberry said - social services much more accepting of limitations on what you were prepared to do. I'm retired, but they were very supportive of my need to keep my social networks going and continue my voluntary work in order to maintain my mental health. (Of course, it helps enormously on a personal level that my Dad feels the same).

Think hard about what you agree to - laundry twice a week sounds trivial but will morph into searching house for dirty items, persuading parents that "no, those trouser can't do another day", putting clean things away and then discovering that they've been taken out and muddled with dirty things, suddenly finding that there are NO clean pants ... in other words, even the most straightforward job can turn into a monster, so monitor what's happening and recognise when it's not working for you any more.

Hi OP, you need to go and see your GP and explain the situation your parent is in. Secondly, you may need to see her GP, although they can't tell you anything, they can listen. They may be able to go and do a mental capacity assessment first of all, and then help with getting social services involved.
Look up meals on wheels around where you are as they delivers meals daily to the person.

You have to put yourself first. Caring for people as well as your own family is so hard. We did it for my gran and gramp, but was more of us to share the work, and I was a professional career at the time so had a lot of experience etc.
the GP's were so helpful in both cases. My gramps declined carers, but with the help of the GP, he agreed to it and actually really enjoyed their company...
Don't go on like you are...your life matters too! And don't be bullied by parent into doing it...that is very selfish from their part. They need to except they need help, and that you can't be it all the time...good luck xx

Like many on here I've been through similar. I contacted Adult Services direct and requested a care assessment under the Care Act.
Social Worker came out to see DParent at home by appointment and I was present. I was very honest about what I was able to provide. They were reasonably supportive and there is now a care package in place. It's not perfect but it does help.