My dad died last year and had been ill for a while - he was also quite a difficult man during his life, very driven, not that interested in the grandkids and ran my mum's and his 'financial' life for them - . My mum is in her 70's and had been caring for him at home with some outside help. They had a very typical relationship of their time - quite traditional with him doing all the "business" stuff and her not working or working part time at points in her life - both quite independent and a good set of friends and family - but she is an amazing Grandma /Mum. In her relationship with my Dad, she had no handle on the finances (and almost chose not to get involved) - he was working for himself for many years before his death so there was nothing "regular" other than a small state pension and then he just got what money he did from his business so it was quite ad hoc.
When Dad died she found out he had more debt than she realised, although it is mostly in his name and she is not liable. For now though, her day to day living (until the house is sold when she can buy a smaller house and create an income for herself) is tricky and she is finally not only having to deal with her grief but also face up to the fact that life, going forward is not going to be quite how she thought and she has had to start to budget, be careful etc. She has not always been that good with money when she's had it and is feeling quite resentful of the whole situation she now finds herself.
I have two sisters and one brother, all of whom are helping out financially (to be repaid once the house is sold).....
I see her regularly as I live the closest and the others live 1-2 hours away. They are all really good though and do what they can. I work part time.
Every time I see my mum, she talks about money, about how she's lonely but can't do the things she wants to do because she "can't afford it" - about how her friends are going to nice restaurants, going on nice holidays blah blah, they had a pretty good standard of living before my dad got ill but it now transpires that might have been on the never never. I feel really cross that they didn't sort out their finances years ago when I suggested that they do that and I had a difficult relationship with my Dad because I often suggested that they might downsize and create some kind of living fund rather than hope that there would be enough money in the business later (when too old and at the risk of illness).
We are comfortable financially but we budget - our kids are off to secondary soon and I don't just spend what I want - we save and are careful but also do nice things. I take her out for lunch on my own in the week or have coffee, invite her over and she sees the kids, she has friends and my siblings come out to see her when they can and am also helping with sorting out the admin relating to my Dad etc for her.
I suppose I just feel guilty that I can't make it right for her, cross that my Dad left her in this position, cross that she didn't take more responsibility during her lifetime and now we are the ones to pick it all up and wondering if I should do more for her financially or whether that wouldn't help matters at all.......I am very much the person who runs the day to day finances at home and my husband does the long term financial planning - and my husband and I are very open about what is what and what we can afford (as are most of my generation I think ?!) - so I am sort of resentful of her being cross about being not able to afford the things I don't even spend money on myself - does that make sense ?
Occasionally I have almost had to treat her like a child and gently tell her that we all have to budget and can't always afford things we want,.....my sisters do the same.
Sorry, I just needed to get that off my chest !..... and never feel like I'm getting it quite right.......
Any tips or suggestions would be much appreciated......