Mum being verbally abusive to her husband

[worrieddaughter99]

Name changed for this and posting for advice.

My Mum can be extremely nasty and I was no contact with her for 5 years (back in contact for about 2). My step father has dementia. Both are in their early 80s.

My Mum admittedly finds it difficult to cope with his dementia. He is mobile and continent but cannot do the simplest task for himself - getting dressed, putting cereal in a bowl etc etc. He also gets extremely anxious when he can't see her, following her around the house he even waits outside the toilet when she is in there. He consequently refuses to go to a day centre or any activity to give her a break.

If my Mum is annoyed she will simply not let it go but go on and on and on for hours with nasty comments, screaming and shouting for hours. I have been on the receiving end hence the no contact for a few years.

She quite openly admits reducing him to tears and I think she is making his life a misery.

I don't know what to do. Her behaviour is abusive. They live in a rural area. They have had some contact with the local authority and Age UK but not much support has been provided, not sure what anyone can do anyways.

I live at the other end of the country and don't see her that often for financial and logistical reasons, my sister lives abroad.

I don't know how to go about tackling this, I feel I should contact social services or something, but really don't know if they can help.

Definitely contact SS.

I'd put her in touch with Alzheimers.org and Age UK.

She can talk to the helpline.

Also, if there has been a diagnosis, she ought to have been given a big booklet on how to manage someone with dementia. This included coping strategies like leaving the room, getting personal space, etc,

She needs to understand that she needs support.

Thank you for your comments. They have been in touch with Age UK but fairly useless. I agree she needs some sort of help but not sure what form that can take given his anxiety. I will check out Alzheimer's, thank you.

Maybe a call to her g.p. both of them are struggling and unhappy. Adult social services safeguarding team can arrange a visit and Elder Abuse UK have a good website. If he is at risk of physical or mental abuse he needs help and the right to safe care. Maybe a short stay in respite for him might be the answer, they could assess his needs, her needs and the home situation.

It might be worth finding our if anyone has power of attorney and also if he has had a capacity assessment to assess his mental understanding of his illness and his ability to make decisions.

I used to work in care, and alot of my time was spent giving respite to tired and exhausted carers who were way past the end of their sanity. She has to get more help, whether he wants it or not.

I'd say contact your local SS helpdesk and explain very clearly that you think your mum isn't coping. The awful thing is that often the carer dies before the person needing the care due to sheer exhaustion. Don't be too hard on her, she's dealing with this 24/7 and it is a thankless task.

Thanks Catniss and everyone for your comments, you have brought a lot of clarity to the matter. I will call Social Services on Monday and ask about the possibility of respite care.

My sister spoke to her today. Mum doesn't want respite care as he is so anxious and she feels it will be cruel but she needs some time to herself.

She needs a biopsy under anaesthetic but couldn't book it because there is no one close that can really mind him and he refuses to let the neighbours stay with him.

Good luck with it all, respite for him would give them both a much needed break and time for the experts to see what help they can offer.

Medication could help too with his anxiety. Have you spoken to your Mum about what he's taking?

That's a good point Catniss I will mention it. At present he starts crying if she even mentions a Carer looking after him for a couple of hours let alone respite care.