DM lives with us but I'm thinking of leaving

[kennelmaid]

My DM83 lives with me and my H in our annexe. She's happy and settled. We live in an out of the way village. She finds walking difficult but enjoys trips into town with me. Trouble is I'm thinking of leaving my H because he's controlling and we have no intimacy and I want to be on my own. What can I do, though, I feel trapped here because of my DM. She knows I've been unhappy in my marriage but her view is that me and H get along alright together and that should be enough. I don't know what to do.

Why would you have to leave? Could you and your dm buy out your dh? (I did this with my dm in a similar situation).

You know what to do. You aren't married to his mum. All you can do is make sure she has some support in place, possibly look into a companion or some home care before you leave if that makes you feel better. There is help beyond you that she can receive which leaves you free to exit a controlling marriage.

Oh I really feel for you. She is in a vulnerable position but you can't live an unhappy life for the sake of her living arrangements. I am guessing you may be 50ish and feel you need to make a new life asap. The only thing you can do is tell her that you are planning to leave and discuss options for her, being stay where she is (may not be possible, let alone ideal), move somewhere together perhaps with independent living for her (may be expensive), get two flats close together. I'm sure she doesn't want her boat rocked but if you facilitate her move too then it could even work out much better for her too if you are happier. Good luck.

Oh FFS, note to self don't try and reply when you've just woken up!

Why do you need to leave at all? Agree with above look into you and DM buying him out. Is the house jointly owned?

It's the OP's mum.

It's her mum

Noted and rectified 😳🤦🏻‍♀️

Yes to buying out too though I'm guessing dh may not be at all amenable to that.

(You could rent out the annex to pay towards buying your dh out).

How would that work Fairylea ? DM lives in the Annex. Doubt if DM 83 wishes to take in a lodger even if there was space. Moving DM to main house in a situation where a couple are separating (presuming the DM can get up the stairs to any possible spare bedroom) is literally moving her into a battle zone. Especially if he is controlling and doesn't want to move.

DM moves in with DH.OP lives in the annexe.

No, I mean if the dh moves out the dm could move into the main house with the op and then they could rent out the annex to increase their income to be able to afford the mortgage if that would be an issue if the dh moved out.

It DH lives in the annex and DM lives in the main house with OP if DH doesn’t want to be bought out?

My friend rents out her annex £500 a month as it’s a nice area. I think she can put that towards a mortgage application too

I think you need to start looking at places that both you and your mum can move to. You’ll probably split the value of the house 50-50, so unless there are substantial other assets, you’ll probably have to sell it anyway. It’s understandable that she doesn’t want to move, but you shouldn’t sacrifice your happiness for that, just make sure she knows that you’re not planning to abandon her.

Thanks everyone I didn't expect so many helpful replies so quickly

If your husband is controlling then it might be also useful to post this on the relationship board where there is a wealth of experience and support to help you navigate the break up.

You are putting your mothers needs above your own here but I’m sure that she wouldn’t want you to continue in misery because of her situation. I think that given his controlling nature a clean break and moving away is absolutely vital so that you are both removed from his influence.