Can't do it any more!

[IamTheMeg]

Wrote a huge long post and deleted it but don't want to out myself.

What to do when you can't do it any more? And that feeling comes all the time that you end up screaming at the person you're caring for.

When you research best ways to harm yourself that won't cause disruption to your children but will give you a break. When you think of ways of crashing your car so someone else will drive or heaven forbid they would take a taxi or transport. But you are stuck because you have a job and 5 children who also have hospital appointments and needs.

There's just no escape. No solution, no support.

And that was my short post!

Meg
I'm going to offer hugs but also flag this up on the Elderly Parents general thread

I have to be off board for rest of tonight and tomorrow probably but I will check back and hopefully you will have some advice and hand holding.

Assuming you are in the UK phone Social Services in your area and tell them this. They will help. In my experience as long as you are coping they will try and get you to do it but once you've made it clear that you can't then they have no choice but to get involved.

Sorry you're struggling so much Meg, sounds like you're more than at the point where you need to step back from being a carer and make yourself the priority.

What's your situation, if that's not too outing? I.e is your parent at home with you, living alone etc?

Yes, what helpfulperson says. And try your GP in addition, again assuming you're in the UK. And contact the GP of the person you're caring for and say you can't any more and it's now a safeguarding issue.

We're assuming you're caring for an elderly, or is it your children you can no longer cope with?

Tell us more, if you can, we may be able to help more.

Meg your not alone and you won't be judged. Vent away

Thank you for moving the post -I thought it was in the right place

And thanks so much for he support. If I write it all out here, I'd be writing what I have read here before and writing what has swirled around my head for almost two years with no solution at all.

It's a parent who is very frail and ill and difficult because they are depressed and extremely introvert and only wants me so can be manipulative. It's my Father. He's ill and I'm soft and we are close but sometimes the fact that he relies completely on me for almost everything is too hard. My children are neglected, my work, my marriage.

He's very poorly, it's not his fault. I just wish there was someone else who cared as much and saw his pain and helped too, at the same time I am furious with him for putting me in this position as his carer when I had no choice.

I couldn't live without him but at the same time I've had fantasies of putting a pillow over his face. Which obviously I would and could not do but I've imagined how easy it would be.

He lives in an kind of annex next door - I didn't have contact with him until he became ill- so he's right there which is good and I do get a break to be with my family in the evenings. But it's also bad. I can't go out, I have to work from home now. He has pets which are helpful to him so I look after them.

My siblings are selfish and useless. My Dh is amazing.

In the nicest possible way, there are various solutions which you appear to be rejecting out of a sense of guilt or duty. If you're not happy with the situation - and you sound exhausted and depressed - then take steps to change it.

Go see your GP - would anti depressants help you and give you more resilience? And disengage from having to be a carer. Will you thank yourself if your life falls apart just so you feel that you haven't failed your father?

We made the decision to put my mother in a care home a few years ago and it was a sensible decision that was best for everyone.

Get in touch with social services. Get a full time carer in for him if funds allow. Step away and let someone else deal with this. If you're fantasising about death/serious injury in order to have a break then something is very wrong indeed.

You're absolutely right. I would have no guilt at all about carers/home. He's barely into his 60s though and every time the hospital offers physio/ transport he tells them no I don't need it but he does!

Detaching sounds a good idea. It might make him realise. He is so so manipulative- maybe the answer is therapy or antidepressants to stop enabling his manipulation and behaviour. It doesn't help that his sister rings me every day from afar telling me what I should do and asking how he is etc.

Meg as you said many of us on this thread have variations on your story. I have a manipulative, elderly very poorly and frail parent and a 80 mile round trip. I have the benefit of my DSis who helps as well. That doesn't mean that DSis and I are any less stressed, overworked and left feeling guilty. Our families are fed up with the situation as well.
Asking adult services for a care assessment has been a great help. Adjustments were made and outside carers brought in. It's made a huge difference mainly because DSis and I have solid boundaries.

Just chipping in because my mum is in a similar situation and I will be following for advice.
My mum is Caring for her elderly father who now lives with her. She works full time, gets no help from siblings, gets 30 minutes support a day through social care (to provide a meal whilst my mum is at work). Grandad is up all night and demanding all day but miraculously copes okay most days whilst my mum is at work. He refuses care from anyone else, he says he wants their help but then manipulates the situation to say their care is harmful and inadequate so my mum fees guilty and takes over.

He says he will go into a care home but then starts crying and says he might as well kill him self. My mum is beyond exhausted but feels guilty about putting grandad into a care home and worries he will kill himself or the move will kill him and then she will feel she is to blame.

It’s made worse by my grandad continually telling her that he didn’t put her into a care home when she was little so she shouldn’t put him into a care home.
My mum has no life now and I don’t think she realises how much this is impacting on her own health but I can see it and I’m incredibly worried.

He's barely into his 60s though and every time the hospital offers physio/ transport he tells them no I don't need it but he does! Try to be at critical appointments and challenge him - "Dad, I can't take you, how are you going to get there?" "Dad, you say you don't need X, but you have difficulty in doing Y... how are you going to manage that?" Maybe you have to step out completely and let something happen that gets through to him that he needs to accept support from elsewhere? You've recognised that you're at breaking point, if you get to breaking point you won't be able to help him again ever.

You say your DH is supportive - could he possibly field your aunt's daily calls, and ruthlessly shut her down if she gets on to what you should be doing? It might be easier for him to do that than you. (Presumably she's only in her 60s, DH could mischievously suggest that she moves nearby to share the care ;-) )

Thank you for your replies. I agree it is the situation. I've tried explaining to my dad Cant cope with it all and yes he starts crying, saying what would he do without me I'm keeping him alive etc.

I'll think about all the advice- I do need to be direct and tell him. It's possible I could do everything and survive but I just don't want to be in this situation. I know all of you here don't either.

What one thing would make a difference?

Have a night off,have a day when your father has a carer and you do not visit him?

Find one thing, set up a plan and make it happen.

Interestingly my mother hated the idea of carers but she now loves telling me about the lovely people who come and see her . She is stimulated by seeing new people. So in one way you are not doing your Father any favours by being his only support.

However I do feel for you and have/am frequently in the place you are it is hard very hard.

Meg - I dont blame you love. I see my Dad about once a week and he completely does my head in with his demands etc. If he lived next door I'd have throttled him by now.

I've had meltdowns and lost my rag with him when he takes the p@ss. In the past he caused real grief because he was rude to my wife, my kids, and basically made it clear I had to put him first. That had to change or I'd be divorced by now.

BUT, his good behaviour lasts about 2 days then its back to ME, ME, ME again.

Fair play to your DH though. I know its tough when its your own parent but when its your partners parent you see if from the outside. If my wifes mother did 1/4 of the stuff my dad did I'd be demanding she tell him. You've got a good one there.

My Dh is an absolute star yes- he only gets angry seeing the effect it has on me.

What would make a difference is him considering how hard this is for me but he's too wrapped up in his illness and fear of abandonment. Sometimes I get stubborn and angry and don't go which lasts from about 5pm until 9am and I go and find him curled up in a ball under a blanket.

I agree the fear of carers is worse- he did a Have a nurse coming in at one point and we both used to giggle about her. He won't leave the house, I can see how he gets so down staring at four walls or his resentful daughter!

Meg, there are several ways out. You do know that no adult can be legally forced to care for another adult, don't you? If you get Social Services involved, and tell them what you have told us, they are obliged to provide help. Also, I bet anything that your aunt's daily phone calls are more of a source of stress than you realise. I would decide how often you are prepared to talk to her (once a week?) and stick firmly to that. Shut her down if she starts telling you what you need to do - you could tell her that she is welcome to come and do whatever it is! Good luck - I know exactly what it's like, believe me. I've been there.

Also, I bet anything that your aunt's daily phone calls are more of a source of stress than you realise.

Yes! And she has told me I HAVE to care for him, be his carer.

I read on here that someone was advised to say they were their Mothers daughter not carer.

Meg - Sounds exactly like my old man. Will do ANYTHING like sulk, bully, blackmail to get what he wants regardless of anyone elses wellbeing.

Your DH is a saint btw.

Yeh I've had that from relatives. Got to look after your Dad, do this, do that. When it came time for them to help one time they were no where to be found. Ignore the rest of the family.

Yes! And she has told me I HAVE to care for him, be his carer

Well, she's talking rubbish. You really, really don't.