Should you treat elderly parents with kid gloves?

[tobee]

Just wondering.

My dsis and I have always had a robust relationship with our parents. Always encouraged to debate/argue, not have secrets etc. We respect them for themselves, not because they expect us to. Df always great for educating us about the wider world - his interests etc but likes to be the "teacher". Dm was a professional counsellor, quite forward thinking. So great for personal advice. Now they are in their early 80s - heath not too bad.

My dsis has always been a bit more combative with them. I'm, these days, more averse to argument with them.

I just don't know how I should treat them now, really. Is it patronising to avoid arguments at all cost?

Obviously, all situations are different but wondered how others have dealt with this .

I guess it depends if it's serious or trivial

my dad passed recently - we had some serious disagreements probably about a year before he died, - and several over the years - but that was okay. We genuinely disagreed and it was a problem, but I don't have any issues with it after he died and he didn't have any issues when he got sick. I'm sorry if this is a crap explanation, but I guess what I'm saying is that sometimes serious problems will occur and you can't necessarily sit there thinking - what if someone dies.

there was a poster around Xmas who said something about petty arguments and "what if someone dies" but it depends what you mean by petty. I don't feel that I did the wrong thing by disagreeing with dad just because he's now gone, if you see what I mean.

I have known people who have had issues with parents or grandparents trying to play the card of "I might die soon" in order to get their way and that's a different thing altogether.

I'm not an argumentative person so disagreements only tend to occur if there's a serious issue involved. My mother is very fragile now but if she did or said something that really pissed me off, I would say so, yes.

PS bit puzzled by the comment about not having secrets - you need some privacy from parents surely?

It depends. I would have still argued about politics or stuff like that with my elderly parents - but wouldn't argue to win if that makes sense. I wouldn't let it get too serious whereas when they were in their 60s and I was early 20s I'd have argued as hard as I felt like.

I agree with Grace too - if you need to have a disagreement, then you have to have it. In an otherwise healthy family, it shouldn't really affect your overall relationship. The way I reckoned it I had a long lifetime with my parents. I wouldn't judge the relationship by one moment.

What I did stop doing when they got to that stage was I didn't really share my serious worries with them anymore. I might say "I'm a bit worried school will be ok for dd" but I wouldn't say "dd is depressed and having a hard time at school". I figured they were a bit more fragile as they got older - just physically getting through life took more out of them and they had done enough worrying as parents, so I pulled back.

In practical terms disagreements will become inevitable if they lose orientation and you need to set boundaries.

One example. DM was determined she did not want to be seen out with her carer. She could take herself to the doctor. No she couldn't, as she could not remember who her doctor was. The "parent-child" relationship had to be flipped, which was really uncomfortable. But save argments for the things that matter. Unless of course your parents enjoy debate.