My step dad is my mum's carer - what do I do if he dies first?

[yellowumbrellas]

My mum had a stroke in her late 40s which left her quite disabled. My stepdad is her full time carer, though they do get a couple of carers in twice a week to get her out of bed, showered and breakfasted to give him a break. I don't live near them (5 hours drive away).

If my step dad goes before she does I have no idea what to do. Both in the short term and the longer term. I work full time and have two DC (teen and pre teen). My house doesn't have an easy access shower and we have no spare room to house my mum here.

Does anyone know what our practical options would be if she becomes a widow? What types of care are available to her and are the costs for these covered or would I as her daughter have to pay? They are currently on disability benefits and live in a housing association home.

I would say it's good that she is in social housing as she is much more likely to get a care home than if she owned and had money . I doubt much you would be liable to look after her or pay but I don't know the law ( it just doesn't seem fair does it ?)

If she is in a housing association home and has no savings, she will be entilted for a NHS care home

It's out of the question for her to come and live with you, OR for you to go to her. You need a benefits specialist to give you information about what she would be entitled to. Hopefully there's someone on here who can help

A lot of it will depend on her wishes and also if she meets the criteria for NHS funding for a care home. To be eligible someone usually requires overnight care such as changing pads or turning to prevent sores. Social services will be able to answer a lot of questions.

It may be worth keeping a diary of everything you step dad does at night to provide evidence if it comes to that. Just a few weeks updates every few month in case the worst happens to form a picture.

I need to think about this. My dad had a stroke 5 years ago (age 55) and my mum sorts everything and still works. If she dropped dead my sister and I would have no idea what to do!

The most at home care that social services will offer is 4 visits a day, which could be as little as 15 minutes - if she needs more care than that they will fund a care home and you may be able to negotiate that being closer to you but the local authorities obviously aren't keen.
I'm guessing your mum and her dh don't have more than £16k in assets as they live in an HA house and are on benefits so her care will be funded.

My dad cares for my mum, and as he is in poor health, I have looked at homes close to them that would be suitable for mum as respite care, and close to us if dad dies - just so I know how things are really. So far mum has only had to have a few nights in respite and SS organised that as they have a scheme to allow for carers illness.

Different rules may apply for those under 60 so flag this part up.

Thanks everyone, this is all very useful to me.

She might be able to manage if she had home visits, I'm not 100% sure, I probably need to have a discussion with her.

Does anyone know if I'd be able to move her to HA housing nearer me?

Its possible to move authorities - my grandparents were able to go from their HA house 3 hours away to a bungalow very near my mum. But if your mum is under 60 and needs a fully adapted property that could be a harder transfer - but some areas have longer social housing lists than others and only your local HA/council housing unit could tell you what might happen

Thanks CMOTDibbler, that's good to know. She's now early 70s (sorry, left that out of my OP).

One of the things that has been a massive help for me is that dad is signed up for the emergency carers scheme - their county details are here, and that means that there are immediate emergency carers or funded respite sorted if dad can't care for mum. If their area have something, then your stepdad needs to get signed up for it as it would cover you instantly if something happened.
You do need to have the difficult conversation with your mum though, and find out if they have had an SS assessment, what her care needs are, and if they've had any thoughts about the future.

www.nhs.uk/conditions/social-care-and-support-guide/money-work-and-benefits/nhs-continuing-healthcare/

Not true that social services will only provide you with visits a day.
Mother in law gets 4 visits a day for up to an hour as well as 8 hour care in the day.
She's entitled to 12 hours Care in every 24.
Through "continuing healthcare" provided on the NHS.
Please look into it

Thanks again, it's great to start getting an idea of what's available, I'll look at those links. Because she's been cared for for over 20 years now, it's only recently that I'm starting to realise that I need to be prepared for whatever happens next.

CMOTDibbler you're right, I'm going to start talking to her about the future and ask them both for more details about their current assessments / set up etc.

I feel a lot better having started to get some information and started to think about this (rather than just leaving it to the 'panic' stage if my stepdad goes suddenly).

Even though it would be difficult, I like the idea of her moving closer to me and being able to be more involved. A few years ago I tried moving closer to them but couldn't find work in the area.