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Elderly parents

Dad and healthcare/illness

14 replies

paulfoel · 09/01/2019 11:33

Some of you will have seen my other threads....
Dad has really done it this time - not with me.

Hes always been a bit funny about illness. Slightest cough and hes down the GP. He always "expects" the GP to give him a prescription too like a magic pill. No way can you say to my Dad go home its a virus.

So as he got older he got to calling the GP out. Too ill to go to the surgery (not!). They eventually twigged and put their foot down a bit. Refused to come out any more. Hes not happy with this...

He just won't listen to me when I say GPs really aren't keen to come out unless they have to. But his attitude is "paid taxes all my life its their job".

He takes warfarin. So needs his bloods checked. Managed to wangle a district nurse to do it. GP surgery is lterally 300 yards away. But thats Dad for you, why bother if you can get someone else. He complained that they were coming too late in the day (he likes them there before 10 for some reason).

My wifes a district nurse so I know how busy they are. Even more so with people like my Dad who dont really need them. I tried to explain to him that there is no way they are able to offer times like this. In one ear and out the other - I even said get taxi to GP, they would do 10am appt, but his attitude is "why should I pay for a taxi?".

It got worse this week. Hes got an alert thing (Around his neck). Thats been pressed about 20 times in last few months. Ambulance turns up, take him into hospital. Nothing wrong bring him home. LAst time ambulance turned up 16 hours later (they've sussed him I think). Now they've told him no more ambulances.

He can't see hes doing anything wrong. Most of these occasions have been when the GP has told him hes fine, so he decides to get a 2nd opinion by calling an ambulance. Won't listen to me.

A few months ago, he got an idea in his head that he was so ill he needed to be in hospital. Two GPs and ambulance staff thought not. He moaned and moaned and moaned about it.

Then I get call from hospital. Hes banged his head on cupboard, fallen over and is in hospital. I get there - hes happy as larry now because hes being fussed over.

Like I said, my wifes a District Nurse. She sees old people with bumps, falls all day every day. She said his injury was not something she'd seen before - looked very much self inflicted (which fits in).

At the time, I tried to speak to GP about what he was up to. Not interested. Nor were social services.

I always say, Im going to find him dead in the chair one day after no-one believes him that hes ill. And then go "oops he was ill this time!". Funny in a way but no really!

Any practical advice?

OP posts:
cheesywotnots · 09/01/2019 11:50

Would he feel safer living in residential care, he sounds lonely and if he were surrounded by other people maybe he would feel more confident. Getting angry is not good for your own well being.

paulfoel · 09/01/2019 12:09

Point blank refuses the residential care idea. I agree - he'd love it.

His idea is "no way are you sending me off to die in one of those places".

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Bombardier25966 · 09/01/2019 12:24

Hi Paul,

I recall your father from the other forum. Are you visiting him more often now?

cheesywotnots · 09/01/2019 12:34

Oh dear, what about warden controlled or is that no go too. You're going to make yourself ill if you carry on worrying about this. How would he manage if you took a step back.

paulfoel · 09/01/2019 13:13

He gets ideas in his head. It might be a brilliant idea but he'll dig his heels in.

Know what you mean - he does make me ill with worry. If I took a step back he would manage because he'd have to make the effort himself. Trying to do that now.

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cheesywotnots · 09/01/2019 13:35

Could you just say to him that you feel nothing you do is ever good enough, neither of you get any pleasure out of your visit so maybe it might be better not to see him for a while. He will be ok, he has friends and other family to help, let them take over for a while.

mammy0f0ne · 09/01/2019 13:48

That sound awful, I agree you dad is probably lonely.
My partners dad is the complete opposite, he's currently got a clot near his heart and the hospital won't do anything until March but he won't go back to the doctor and tell him how he's feeling, it's really draining!

paulfoel · 09/01/2019 14:20

Thing is I DO want to visit him. I just don;t want to be blackmailed into it and I certainly dont want to be made to feel guilty when I've got things with my own family.

He has loads of friends etc. and my brother visits too. To be honest, for his age, his health isnt at all bad to be honest. There are old people way worse off than him thats for sure.

My wifes Dad was the opposite too. Heart problems and just would not go to the hospital. Died of a heart attack which was really sad.

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paulfoel · 10/01/2019 15:01

Forgot as well. He went through a phase of telling us/GP/ambulance he couldnt breathe and had chest pains (he didn't). Of course, sure fire way to get someone there......

In the end, I used to take my wife with me - shes a nurse. She knows full well whats chest pain and whats not.

Problem now is like I said, even the ambulance people have seen through this one and wont come out any more.

It does worry me. Is there anything I can do? I can see they're point of course...

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unicornsandponies · 12/01/2019 08:39

Your dad may be elderly and lonely but he knows what he's doing. He's manipulating everyone to get his own way. It's like they revert to toddler stage where the world has to revolve around them. Selfish personalities don't mature well they just become the worst version of themselves.
He has to take responsibility for his own actions and know there are consequences. Toddlers learn that stamping their feet doesn't get them the attention they want. Your dad needs people to stand firm and refuse to say how high when he says jump.
It's tough op. I know from experience just how hard.
But look after yourself and your DM and DC first. Put in boundaries you will not cross and stick to them. You are no use to anyone of your own MH breaks.

unicornsandponies · 12/01/2019 08:41

DW not DM !

unicornsandponies · 12/01/2019 08:49

To be clear. Id say leave him to it. Nothing you can or should do.
He needs to take responsibility for his own actions and face the consequences. I.e. Gp and ambulances not responding in the event of a real emergency. Sorry if that seems harsh.

Gina2012 · 12/01/2019 08:52

Visit once a week for a couple of hours

Leave him to it, the rest of the time

He's safe and well looked after by the system

paulfoel · 15/01/2019 11:42

You're right. Its just so sad that hes like this. But yes I can see how he was a little selfish before and its all been magnified a lot.

I would have done anything for him but hes pushed it so far I've had to step back now.

Nothing I can do about the GP and ambulance. I told him and told him it would happen and he carried on doing it.

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