elderly parents abroad - how much do you do?

[IamAporcupine]

I posted about related issues before but I need more advice.

I live in the UK, I'm in my 40's, work FT and have a 6yo. DH works PT. We have no other family or help around.
My mother (86) and my brother (60s) live in a European country (which is not our home country).
My brother works independently and has grown up children who also live in the same city.

DM was in hospital last year and has recently been diagnosed with pulmonary hypertension. She is at home now, with oxygen, but stable. She lives by herself in a retirement home; they have nurses and doctors on site, so she is relatively well looked after. She is quite independent so this works out well for her.

Up until now I would travel every 3 months or so to see her and we would go on holiday together for 7-10 days over the summer. I have taken her to a couple of appointments in the past. We talk on the phone almost everyday.

My brother is understandably getting anxious about her care. They do not get on that well, so he gets very stressed/annoyed when she needs his help. He has implied many times I do not do enough. I have already said to him that I would travel more often and I would take her to doctor appointments as much as I can, but I feel he wants me to do more, almost as if I was physically there.

I have started considering bringing her to the UK, at least for a while, but I do not think this would actually work for her as she would lose all her independence and social life. Plus I am not sure what would happen to her health care etc.

I feel intimidated by my brother so I find it difficult to think about all this rationally.

If you have parents abroad - how do you deal with it?

Apologies for the assay!

I live in Englad . My elderly, frail mother lives in Ireland.
My two sisters expect to share her care equally. I don't.
I work full time (term time ) and have two teens (one is Autistic).
I have had no help from them or my mother ever!
Mum lives with my sisters, alternating between houses every two months, but the situation is far from ideal. They want me to have her live with me for two months in a rotation system. My partner and I have pointed out how illogical this is but they persist in bullying and harranging us!
We have had and will have her for holidays and I go over every three months which is enough.

Thanks roisi
A rotation system like that sounds crazy!

Anyone else?

I would love to hear some opinions from siblings who didn't move away on this issue as sometimes I feel unfairly got at while understanding that there will be resentment.

Did your DM and DB choose to make their home in a different country? If so then this situation was always going to happen wasn’t it. Does your DM live independently or in a care home? For me knowing that my DM is in a place where she is safe, warm and regularly fed means that I don’t worry about her as much as I did when if I didn’t visit or take her shopping, she didn’t eat. It’s not what she would choose and she’s not happy or content but it’s the best of what’s available. She wouldn’t have changed her life completely to help me in the last 30 yrs and refused to stop smoking etc despite many warnings so tbh I do what I can but try not to lose sleep over things I can’t fix.

Hi OP. I am the sibling who lives near elderly parents (same small town) . My other siblings live abroad and visit once a year.

So I do all hospital appointments/help with shopping/other errands. I am the one they call on when they need help. My siblings visit for a nice lunch and day out/catch up

however, my parents helped me with childcare when my boys were small, have been very active and engaged in our lives. We have taken more from them than I am now giving back.

I feel no animosity about this at all. My boys have gained considerably from having grandparents so close by (for trips out/sleepovers/picking up from school etc)

I think caring for them in their dotage is a very fair trade off, and I do it willingly, with love, and no resentment to my siblings.

My family have faced exactly this situation - four children, but only one (my sister) living in country of residence of parent. It has been extremely difficult. My sister lives an hour airplane journey away, the rest of us more than 9 hours.

My sister has been amazing. Visiting every six weeks for two or three days and the rest of us once or twice a year for longer. It became very clear that the situation was unsustainable and we had to bring in a private social care manager who visited once or twice a week and provided all the family with feedback on our mother's condition. This continued for eighteen months until my mothers death.
The situation with my father is now the exact opposite. I am the one in the country of residence and the others are overseas.
The situation of having an elderly parent in a different country to the family is very difficult and I would proffer the following advice.

1. Understand fully the legal position of the country of residence and have a lasting power of attorney.
2. Have a very frank discussion with your mother about what she wants. This should take place with your brother present and any other close family members. If there is a care plan manager this person should be present too. It is vital that your mother is able to express her needs whilst she can and that you all listen to what she wants. It is also important for you all to understand what is possible and what is not.
3. Your mothers health will inevitably decline and your brother and yourself need to be very clear about what will need to be done by one of you and what can be done by staff in her care home. Also consider that your brother has grown up children who could be called on to help.
4. It is understandable that your brother is getting stressed, but you should not feel guilty. Having a sick or elderly parent is stressful for everyone. Take the time if you can when you visit next time to talk to him about this. Do this with professionals present so that he cannot intimidate you. They can explain to him that the situation is difficult for both of you.
5. Do not do more than you are now unless you really want to and can manage it. It is not your fault that your mother lives in a different country to you. It is also not your fault that your brother doesn't get on well with your mother. That's his business not yours.

On a number of occasions I had to remind one of my brothers of this fact when he complained that I was not doing enough in his view. Particularly irksome since he was doing nothing at the time. In my experience many men seem to consider that this is women's work, particularly men who have had stay at home wives who have done everything for them.

Try to enjoy the time you spend with your Mum and enjoy the phone calls. Do what you can and rely on care home staff for the rest.

Thank you everyone, and thanks @oldestmumaintheworld for all the detailed advice.

I think to me the main point is how much I do out of love and how much I do out of guilt. As you say, I need to be very careful not to do more than I can truly manage.

We (DB and I) were talking the other day and he more or less told me when he thought I should be traveling to see her. He even told me that I should 'make space in my diary'

@Inforthelonghaul - my DB emigrated about 40 years ago. 20 years after I emigrated to a different country. A couple of years later my DM joined my brother.
DM live in a sort of retirement home - she has her own flat, with kitchen, livingroom etc, but there are several facilities on-site too: doctors/nurses, cleaning staff, a canteen etc

@Gottalovesummer - it is very interesting to hear that there is no resentment on your part.

OP , I'd be interested to know if your brother had help/involvement with his children when they were younger?

I'm not saying that that is always the reason to "give back" to our parents as they get older. But he's putting the guilt trip onto you, but did he benefit from your parents help ? I suspect he did, and maybe he should take that into account now your DM needs more help?

@Gottalovesummer - to be fair, no, he didn't.
He left our home country in his 20s with one child and had his second child a few years later. my DM only moved to the same city when his children were in their 20s, and before that my DM would see them once a year at the most.